


Stability

by SuzySue



Series: Gabriela Trevelyan [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Ambiguous Female Inquisitor, Ambiguous Relationships, Angst, Angst and Humor, Bipolar Disorder, Bipolar Inquisitor, Complicated Relationships, Depression, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Heroism, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Impulse Control, Impulsivity, Loss of Control, Mania, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Multi, Obsession, One Night Stands, Psychosis, Rejection, Responsibility, Romance, Self Confidence, Sexual Content, Suicidal Thoughts, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-02
Updated: 2016-05-08
Packaged: 2018-05-17 22:10:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 33
Words: 77,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5887225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuzySue/pseuds/SuzySue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gabriela Trevelyan's life is changed forever when after the events at the conclave, her role changes from an emotionally unstable young woman to the Herald of Andraste - the one who everyone believes was sent to save Thedas from destruction. It is not a role she is even remotely prepared for. </p><p>This story describes Gabriela's long and emotional battle against herself as well as Corypheus, the choices that she makes and the consequences of those choices, and also how the people around her respond to an Inquisitor that seems to be losing herself.</p><p>It is not the first time in her life that Gabriela loses control. This time, however, she has something she never had before - the love of a man who knows what it is to have a troubled past.</p><p>~~<br/>Focuses on mental health problems and coping. Please forgive any mistakes, English is not my first language! And I learn a lot from feedback, so please, don't hold back!<br/>And most of all.. Enjoy!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Beginning - Adapting

**Author's Note:**

> As Gabby grew up in Ostwick, Bann Trevelyan and his wife watched helplessly as their youngest daughter blundered her way through life, making one mistake after another. When Gabby suggests to them that she attend the Conclave in Ferelden, mostly to escape her life, her parents agree, hoping that it might give their daughter a sense of purpose and bring her closer to the Maker. 
> 
> ~~
> 
> This story is divided into 5 parts, which on their own consist of several chapters.
> 
> Part 1 - Beginning (pre-mania) - at Haven, where Gabby is mostly stable. She has some trouble adapting to her new life and new responsibilities, and the weight that is now on her shoulders. But very soon she finds that that life adapts to her quite quickly. 
> 
> Part 2 - Euphoria - First weeks in Skyhold, where Gabby revels in the idea that she might really be chosen by Andraste to save the world. She's on the front line at every battle, every new rift to close, new people to save. She's immensely inspiring to the people around her, and everybody seems to love her. Some promiscuity and explicit sexual content in this part. 
> 
> Part 3 - Deterioration - At a certain point, Gabriela finds it hard to keep up the pace she sets for herself, and she starts to lose oversight of things in her desperate attempt to stay in control. People around her are starting to see through the cracks that are appearing in her formerly air-tight persona. Irritation and obsession start taking over her life.
> 
> Part 4 - Crash - After a terrifying visit to the fade, Gabriela is left physically and mentally exhausted, feeling melancholic, hopeless and ashamed of herself. Trigger warning: Detailed description of suicidal thought process in this part.
> 
> Part 5 - Recovery - In which the final confrontation with Corypheus happens, and beyond that. How Gabriela picks up the broken pieces of herself with help from those around her, and reflects on everything that happened in her life since the Conclave. 
> 
> This story will mostly focus on what's going on inside Gabby's head, the way she views the world, the way she interprets people's reactions to her behaviour.

_Dear father, mother,_

_I am safe._

_I received your letter today, and I am sorry that you got frightened when you heard about the explosion at the Conclave. I am unharmed, though a few things have transpired that I feel I should inform you about._

_Firstly, I have no memory of the explosion, or the events leading to it. The people here tell me I stepped out of the Fade at the ruined temple of Sacred Ashes, but all I remember is waking up in a cell in Haven, heavily guarded._

_Secondly, I now have a glowing green mark on my left hand that burns like... well, like nothing good. I'm sure you've seen the breach in the sky by now, though I'm confident I have a better view of it than you do. At first, the people here thought_ I _was the one who opened the Breach (hence waking up in a cell), but they very quickly changed their minds about that. T_ _here have been other rifts to the fade opening up all around Thedas, and it seems like the mark on my hand is the only thing that can close them again._

 _People are calling me "the Herald of Andraste" now. They believe I was sent by Andraste herself to save Thedas. I don't know what to think of that. It can't be the truth, but then why don't I remember anything? And then why have I always been so different from other women? Maybe I was truly meant for this, but that idea seems more preposterous the more I think about it._ _I am now a member of the Inquisition, stationed at the town of Haven, and I'm traveling around to close rifts and help people. It's certainly not an easy task, but I am glad to finally have found a purpose in my life._

_I am well. The people here are good to me, I've made some friends and I feel driven, determined to make a difference. I walk into danger daily, but if I die now, I will die in service of the Maker and Andraste. Do not fret too much though, you've raised a daughter that is quite capable of handling herself._

_I miss you very much. Please tell Jayden, Alex and Matthew that I love them, even though I'm sure that Matt will say that I'm not strong enough for the task that's ahead of me. Maybe I will finally prove him wrong._

_I love you,_

_Gabriela_

* * *

 

Gabby put down her quill and read through the letter one more time before folding it and handed it to the messenger that was standing next to her. "I will have it sent immediately, Herald" the messenger said with a sharp nod.

"Thanks, Jenna. And call me Gabriela, please. Or Gabby. Either will do. This _Herald_ business makes me a little uncomfortable" Gabby responded with a smile.

Jenna chuckled. "Truly? It makes a lot of other people feel much better. Calling you the Herald of Andraste gives them hope. But I will call you Gabriela if that's what you please. Or Gabby". She smiled back at Gabby and then took her leave.

Gabby sighed and lifted herself out of her chair, wincing at the soreness of her muscles. She'd just come back from a trip to the Storm Coast and she was to leave again in the morning to meet with the leader of the Templars at Therinfal Redoubt. The armour she wore did a good job at covering her bruised and battered body, but it didn't make her hurt less. She didn't mind them so much, though. The pain kept her sharp, kept her awake. It reminded her of what must be done. And truth be told, the fights with demons, bandits and other such bad folk that she had almost every day, made her feel more exhilarated than she'd felt in a long time.

A long time, indeed. Gabby had spent the months before traveling to Ferelden locked up in her room, not speaking to anybody, and feeling utterly lost. She remembered her brother Matt's voice clearly, as he yelled at her to grow up, and that she was bringing shame to the family. She shivered a little when thinking about that, and shook the memory away. All of that was in the past now. The future was what mattered, and for now, even with the nightmarish doom and gloom going on in the world at this moment, her future seemed pretty optimistic.

She stretched her back before stepping out of her cabin, outside into the cold. She halted, closed her eyes and drew a deep breath. Here in the mountains, the air seemed deliciously pure, and she loved walking around in Haven to clear her head. She made her way slowly to the Chantry, making her usual stops in between. Her first stop was at Varric's tent, where the dwarf was polishing his crossbow, as usual.

"Varric!" she said with a grin, "I wish I could find a man who would treat me as well as you treat Bianca".

"Well, Freckles, I'm sure there's a line of men eager to fill that position for you. I am, however sadly, already taken" he chuckled in response. "How are you feeling? Ready for the big meeting with the Templars? I'm sure Curly was very pleased with you for making that decision".

"He was. And he did make some good points,  but it's mostly the power of the mark that I'm afraid of. Asking the mages to pour more power through that thing seemed like a very bad idea. I want to do as much as I can, but I'd like to stay alive through it, you know? And I trust Cullen when he says the Templars can supress the rift"

"I sure hope so. If they can't, well... that would be very shitty. On your way to the war room I take it? Or are you here for more of my spectacular stories? I'd be happy to oblige"

Gabby laughed. Of all the people in Haven, she liked Varric the most, because his sense of humour and calm composure always calmed her a little too. And he had the most amazing stories to tell about his time in Kirkwall with the Champion. She'd read his books cover to cover, always amazed at how the great Marcus Hawke always seemed to bluff or fight his way through the most impossible situations. The feeling of adventure had drawn her in. It was hard to believe she was living her own adventure now.

"Unfortunately, I've no time for your fabulous stories. I'm meeting with Cassandra, Leliana, Josephine and Cullen to think of a strategy to get into Therinfal Redoubt. It would be a waste of time if we made that trip, only to be stopped at the door. Lord Seeker Lucius was not exactly warm and welcoming when we came across him and his men in Val Royeux. Josephine and Leliana have somehow managed to get the support of some big Orlesian noble houses, who are to meet us at the gates. That's as far as our plan goes for now" she said.

"Well, don't let me keep you then. Important stuff to take care of, Freckles, good luck with that".

Gabby ruffled up the dwarf's hair playfully before she continued her stroll. The next person she came across was the Iron Bull, the huge, bulky Qunari mercenary she'd recruited in the Storm Coast, with two enormous horns sticking out of his head and an eyepatch over one of his eyes. Though his appearance was very intimidating, Gabby had found out on their way back to Haven that he was actually quite sweet and gentle, in his own way. He was a hell of a warrior, though.

"Hey, Bull. Krem." she said, and greeted the two men with a nod and a smile.

"Hey, Boss" the Iron Bull responded. "How's it going?"

"Not bad. Still a little sore from that last fight we had, but other than that, I can't complain. Are you settling in alright?"

"Yeah, Haven is not a bad place to shack up in. And the Chargers seem to have found the tavern easily enough, so that's all good" Bull said with a shrug.

Gabby smiled. "Good to hear. I really appreciate your help, Bull" - her eyes turned to Krem then - "and of course the help of your Chargers too".

"Not a problem, Herald" Krem said in response.

"Well, I gotta run. We'll talk some more tonight, okay? Drinks on me?" Gabby asked.

"Now you're talking! Count me in, Boss!" Bull said while slamming his fist to his chest, and Gabby walked away laughing.

She ran into the Commander next, who seemed to be on his way to the War room as well. He acknowledged her with a nod and a short "Herald" and they walked into the Chantry side by side, in silence. Gabby smiled at Vivienne when they passed her, and then looked back at Cullen when he cleared his throat.

"Are you well?" he asked.

"As well as I could be. Ready to get things moving. The sooner we close the rift, the sooner everybody can go back to their lives" Gabby responded. As soon as she'd said it, a small voice in her head said _liar_. As much as she talked about getting back to their old life, hers was not exactly calling her. She didn't want to think about going back to Ostwick, again feeling without purpose. She liked this life, she liked Haven, and she liked the people around her. As much as she missed her family, Ostwick didn't feel like home anymore. She looked back at Cullen, and her heart jumped a little when her eyes met the amber eyes of the handsome Commander.

"Did you write to your family, like you said?" he asked. She lowered her eyes.

"I did. I feel slightly embarrassed now, that I didn't before. I never thought of how worried they must have been until I got their letter this morning" she said softly. It wasn't exactly true - she'd thought about writing her family before, but just didn't know what to say out of fear that they would not approve of her choices. Now that she'd made a bit of a name for herself and the Inquisition, she felt more confident that maybe she could convince her parents and brothers that she was finally doing good things with her life. Surely, they'd must have heard about the 'Herald of Andraste' by now, even in the Free Marches. She felt a little pride swell up when she thought about that. It was a curious feeling, for her to be proud of something, and not one she was very familiar with. 

"What matters is that you wrote them now. I'm positive they will be very happy to hear you're alive, and doing good work" Cullen said, and when Gabby raised her eyes again she saw the scarred side of his mouth curled up into a half-smile. Her heart jumped again. He was indeed a very handsome man.

Cullen raised his arm to allow Gabby  through the door to the War Room first, and then followed and shut the door behind them. The three women were already there, and three pairs of eyes raised from the War table to greet Gabby and Cullen.

"Commander, Herald." Leliana said with a nod. "Cassandra was just filling us in on your progress of the last few weeks. You've managed to spread the Inquisition's influence quite a lot in your travels, it seems" the spymaster looked at Gabby with a smile, and Gabby felt that unfamiliar feeling of pride rise again for a second.

"I couldn't have done it without Cassandra and the others" she said, and she saw Cassandra smile at her in appreciation.

"To work?" Josephine said, and the five of them gathered around the war table to discuss the plans for the next weeks.

Gabby's eyes passed over the people around them, and pride swelled up once more that she was allowed to be a part of such an exquisite group of people. Her eyes lingered on the man standing next to her a little bit longer before she lowered them to the war table again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the first chapter! It is a little slow and this first chapter was a little short, I know, but I want you to meet Gabby when she's at her best.
> 
> Please let me know what you think.


	2. Beginning - Height

_My dearest Gabriela,_

_We were overwhelmed with relief when we received your letter. Our only daughter is alive, and nothing else seems important right now._

_It worried us to read about what's happening in Ferelden, however. We see the Breach in the sky, and stories about a woman sent by Andraste had reached our ears here, too. Our surprise was immense to read that the person they were talking about is our daughter. I don't have to tell you how proud we are of you, and yet I fear it is a great responsibility and weight on your shoulders. Please be safe. I hate to say it, and to make you feel as though we don't support you with all our hearts, but we all know what it does with you to be in a stressful situation._

_I understand the importance of your mission, but I pray you return home safely, and swiftly. Please do not linger after you've closed whatever that thing in the sky is. We are all waiting for you with open arms._

_We love you. Your brothers love you, Matt as well. He has strong opinions sometimes, but he does love you very much._

_Your father,_

_Bann Robert Trevelyan_

* * *

 

_Gabriela,_

_Father warned me not to write this message, but I feel that he is too prejudiced to tell you what we all feel is the truth._

_You are_ not _a Herald of Andraste, and it is not on you to save Thedas. You have no control over yourself, sister, and at some point that lack of control will get you and others around you killed. Everybody would be best off if you just return home. Those people in the Inquisition will surely find a way to do what they need to do without you._

_Mother and Father are worried about you, and if you choose to stay in Ferelden, I would think it very selfish of you. And though I don't think you're beyond selfish behaviour - you've shown it often enough before - I wouldn't think you would do it at the cost of Mother and Father's peace of mind._

_Don't do anything stupid, sister._

_Matthew Trevelyan_

* * *

 

Gabriela stared at the second letter and a nauseating feeling spread through her body. She swallowed hard, trying to fight back her tears.

"Is everything alright, my lady?" Jenna the messenger, who was waiting for Gabby to compose her reply, asked her gently.

Gabby shook her head. "My brother is very direct sometimes. He doesn't mean to hurt me, yet he does. His letter was not exactly one filled with pride towards his younger sister". She sighed. Jenna softly put a hand on Gabby's shoulder and Gabby looked up.

"He does not know, your grace... Gabriela. If he were to see the good work you do here, I'm sure he would be proud" Jenna said with an encouraging smile.

Gabby snorted bitterly. "If you knew my brother, you would not say such a thing. But thank you" she said. "I will write my response later, I need some time to think about it. I'll let you know, alright?".

Jenna curtsied. "Of course, my lady. If there's anything I can do, just let me know".

The girl was gone, then, and Gabby was left to stare at Matthew's letter a little more. She wiped her eyes to prevent the tears from rolling down her cheeks, and then shook her head. She put both letters on the corner of her desk and got up from her seat.

The negotiations with the Templars had been a success, all in all. But it had cost them good men as well, and her trip to the Fade in Therinfal Redoubt had set her back, emotionally. The fact that the Envy demon had chosen her as his prey, the one he wanted to imitate, had spoken to her confidence while she was there, but the things he'd shown her had rattled her more than it should have. The memory of the demon imitating Leliana as he slit the throats of Cullen and Josephine still haunted her. The task that lay ahead now was not an easy one - today they would travel back to the ruins of the Temple of Sacred Ashes to close the breach. Doubt and insecurity nagged at her since they'd started the trip back to Haven, and the fear that she might not be able to do what everybody expected of her closed around her throat like an iron glove. The letters from her family did not exactly inspire any confidence either.

Her hands were resting on her desk still, and her body felt heavy. There was a knock at her door. "Herald?" came a familiar voice. Leliana.

"Come in," Gabby responded, and raised one hand to massage her forehead. The door opened, and the spymaster slipped inside without a sound.

"Are you ready, Herald? We leave soon" Leliana said softly. Her eyes scanned Gabby's face, and she must have seen the exhaustion there. "Are you okay? Varric told me you have not been sleeping well since Therinfal Redoubt".

Gabby shook her head slightly. "I have not. It hasn't been easy. But I really have no choice, do I?" she said.

"Unfortunately not. You are a vital part of our operation now. But I believe we have the means to close the breach, and even if that does not close the remaining rifts as well, it will be a great victory. We will see how we deal with other things afterwards" Leliana responded, and smiled encouragingly.

Gabby sighed again, and nodded. "Let's go" she said.

She followed the spymaster to the Chantry, where her companions were gathered in front of the doors. "You ready, Freckles?" Varric asked her with a wink and a small pat on her back.

Gabby forced a smile on her lips, and said "With you by my side? Always".

Her eyes caught the Commander's, and he stepped closer to her. "Our soldiers are right behind you, Herald. As are the Templars. We depart on your leave".

She thanked him and gestured to master Dennett to bring her horse. She patted her horse, Storm, on the head softly before climbing on his back and then signalled to her companions that they were leaving.

The trip to the Temple seemed very long, and they encountered a few rifts on the way that slowed their progress. Her left hand was throbbing by the time they reached the Temple, and the fear that she wouldn't be able to close the Breach almost overwhelmed her. They made their way slowly through the mountains, and her heart was pounding in her chest by the time they reached the highest point. Cullen aligned the Templars so that they were standing in a circle around Gabby, straight underneath the breach, and she nodded at the Commander to tell him she was ready. She really wasn't, but she wanted it over with.

The Templars raised their hands to work their skills on the breach, and loud crackling sounds thundered through the air. "Now!" shouted the knight-Captain. Gabby closed her eyes, drew in a deep breath of cold air, and raised her own hand.

It felt like the life was sucked out of her and her knees buckled underneath her as she connected to the breach. Strong hands wrapped around her body, holding her up, but her vision was blurred and she couldn't see who it was. Even if she'd wanted to break free now, she couldn't. The breach was pulling at her mark as the mark pulled at the breach, and her shoulder ached from the pull. She was trembling at first, and then shaking violently. There was a loud ringing in her ears, and she couldn't hear anything else around her anymore.

 _Don't do anything stupid, sister._ The words from her brother's letter rang through her head as though he was standing next to her speaking them, and she thought to herself _is this stupid?_ A feeling of hot panic rose up to close around her throat, and she screamed out in pain, anger and stubbornness. She would not let it break her, she decided in that moment, she would not prove them right. So she guided every inch of her determination into her hand and it was as though her mark responded to her renewed confidence. The sky lit up sickeningly green, and she closed her eyes. And then there were no more crackling sounds, there was no more pain, only the ringing in her ears. She fell back against the steel armour on the body behind her, and kept her eyes closed.

"You did it" Cullen's voice rang softly in her ear, and pulled her back to consciousness a little right before falling out of it entirely.


	3. Beginning - Downfall

_Dear Matthew,_

_I will keep this short. I'm sure you've noticed the Breach in de sky is gone. That was my work. Right now, Haven is celebrating to honour me._

_You are wrong. I am_ _needed here. A lot of small rifts to the fade remain, and I am currently the only one who can close them. People are depending on me._

_So no, as much as I would love to see mother and father again, I will not be coming home, not when there is still good work I can do. I've finally found my purpose in life, Matthew, and I will not allow you to make me feel bad about it._

_Tell mother and father that I love them._

_Gabriela._

* * *

 

Gabby leaned back in her chair and read through her message once more, a smug smile appearing on her face. She would prove Matt wrong. She _had_ proven him wrong. Her left hand still throbbed a little but the euphoric feeling that followed their victory drowned out any other unpleasant sensations. She rolled up the parchment and handed it to Jenna, who had patiently been waiting next to her. "Thanks Jen" she said, "As soon as it's sent, you should join in the celebrations. It's a good day, and you should have some fun for a change". The girl smiled widely at Gabby before curtsying and hurrying out the door.

Gabby stretched the still sore muscles of her back before getting up. She blew out her candles and stepped from the serenity inside her cabin into the music, singing and dancing going on right outside. She spotted Varric immediately and grinned. "My favourite dwarf! Is that for me?" she nodded towards the two tankards of beer he was holding.

"Of course, freckles!" Varric laughed. "Tiny ran off with some girl, so I assume he's not coming back to claim it anytime soon". He handed one of the tankards to Gabby, and raised his own to her. "To saving the world!".

"To saving the world" Gabby replied, pride filling her entire being.

"You should go mingle, Freckles" Varric said, "As much as I like to talk to you, the Herald of Andraste is a very eligible woman tonight"

"Right," Gabby responded with a chuckle, "I'll see you later, Varric". And she went off to make a round through Haven. Like Varric had predicted, people were almost lining up to shake her hand, slap her on her back or simply thank her. Some people even kneeled and bowed their heads at her. Gabby's head was spinning from all of it by the time she spotted Blackwall. She thanked the women who was elaborately praising her, and dismissed herself as fast as she could without seeming rude.

"Hey, Beardy" she said with a smile to the Warden who stood on his own, as usual, with some distance between him and the festivities.

"Herald" he said with a nod. "It's nice to see something good happening in this world for once".

"Is that an actual smile?" Gabby said with mock astonishment. "Is my broody Warden smiling?". She threw him a bright grin. He chuckled deeply.

"You are a beacon of hope to these people, Herald. I hope you realise that. What you did today, will be remembered as a heroic deed in Thedas' history. I'm proud to have played a part in it". Blackwall said in his usual earnest voice. Gabby bumped her hip against his.

"Flatterer," she said. "You do know how to make a girl feel special". Blackwall lowered his eyes to lock them on hers and her breath caught. He was quite handsome, she realised now.

"You _are_ special" he said, and her heart jumped a little.

"Well, thanks..." she said, at a loss for words. "I couldn't have done it without you and the others, you know". With all his praise, she felt it only appropriate to show a little modesty, but he was relentless.

"You underestimate yourself. But like I said before, it has been an honour". It was his way of dismissing himself, and he left her standing there, feeling a little flustered.

Gabby's eyes scanned the crowd and her eyes caught Cullen's for a second. She raised her hand to him and he responded by nodding at her with that small crooked smile of his, before turning his back and return to his post. Gabby shook her head. That man never stopped working. She caught herself smiling, though. Cullen was the one who carried her back to Haven after she closed the breach, and he'd sat at her side until she woke up. His golden eyes were the first thing she'd seen when she finally woke, and it was a lovely thing to wake up to. Though the two of them weren't exactly close, there was something about the Commander that intrigued her. He was always very calm and chivalrous, strong when he needed to be. He was an extremely good commander, the Inquisition's forces followed him without hesitation. But there was something else about him, too. A sadness, or darkness, that she recognised, maybe because she was so acquainted with it herself. She'd asked Leliana about Cullen's past, but the spymaster just shrugged and said "That would be the Commander's story to tell you, Herald. Not mine". She'd decided that she would ask him someday, maybe after getting to know him a little better. Aside from that one conversation they'd had where she'd unthinkingly asked about whether he'd made any chastity vows when he joined the Templars - a question that elicited an adorable blush on the Commander's cheeks - any other communication with him had been in the war room, in the presence of Leliana and Josephine.

She looked for Cole, the weird young man - or whatever he was - who had helped her in Therinfal Redoubt, but she'd learned in the short amount of time since he'd joined the Inquisition that he only showed himself when he wanted to be seen.

"Boss!"

Gabby grinned widely. She knew before turning her head that the voice belonged to the Iron Bull. He'd become her constant companion on her quests whenever Cassandra wasn't with her. He was an unstoppable force of nature, as well as a fun guy to be around. "Hey, Bull," she said. "Varric said you ran off with some girl?".

Bull grinned wickedly at her, and said "I did. She didn't last long".

Gabby chuckled. "That's your own fault, Bull. You're always going for the small, fragile types. And whatever goes on in your bedroom, I don't imagine "small and fragile" is the proper job description for those who dare to enter it".

"You're not small and fragile, Boss. Care for a ride sometime?" Bull said with a small nudge. Gabby's eyes shot up to the huge Qunari mercenary. She smiled at him mischievously, and shrugged.

"I don't know if that's such a good idea, Bull. I'm not sure you could handle it" she said in a husky voice.

Iron Bull barked out a loud laugh. "oohh, nice one, Boss! I'll take that as a challenge!"

The relaxed atmosphere changed quickly all of a sudden, when Cullen stormed into the town shouting that there was a large force approaching Haven from the mountains. Gabby ran after him towards the gate without a second thought.

"If someone could open this, I would appreciate it!" a voice sounded from the other side of the gate. Gabby jumped forward and pulled the gate open just enough to see whose voice it was. Her eyes widened when she saw a mage standing outside, with a circle of bodies around him. He was lean, with black hair and a black moustache that curled up at the tips. He had a black line around his eyes, and Gabby immediately recognised him as Tevinter.

"Who are you?" she demanded.

"I'm here to warn you," the man panted, "Fashionably late, I'm afraid". He stumbled, and Cullen caught him. "Mite exhausted. Don't mind me. My name is Dorian Pavus, and I bring grave news from Redcliffe - an army of rebel mages, right behind me. They are under the command of the Venatori, in service to something called _the Elder One_ ". He turned around and pointed. Gabby's eyes followed, and she gasped when she saw what he pointed at. A woman was standing on a hill overlooking Haven, next to a huge - darkspawn? - creature. "The woman is Calpernia" Dorian continued, "She commands the Venatori. For that - the Elder One". Gabby's heart sunk into her shoes.

Cullen spun around to look at her. "Haven is no fortress. If we are to withstand this monster, we must control the battle" he said in a sharp voice. "Get out there and hit that force. Use everything you can!" he gestured towards the trebuchets that stood not far from them, and Gabby nodded in understanding. Cullen turned to his soldiers to rally them, and Gabby looked around for her friends. Varric, Iron Bull and Cassandra were at her side in under a moment, as though they'd felt her looking for them.

Gabby turned to Dorian. "Thank you, friend" she said. "Get inside the Chantry, you'll be safe there". Dorian opened his mouth like he was about to protest, but he must have felt as exhausted as he looked, because he closed it again and nodded, and then ran into the village. "Guys" Gabby said, turning to her companions now, "we need to fire those trebuchets, slow them down. You ready?"

"Yeah!" Iron Bull roared, and already started running towards the first trebuchet. The rest followed him. Gabby turned her eyes back to the hill once more, to see that it was now crawling with mages. Her stomach twisted into a knot. _Please let this work_ , she thought to herself.

They fought through the mages that had already reached the edge of the village to fire one, two and then three trebuchets. The last one caused a huge avalanche, burying the army of mages still marching on Haven. Those standing around Gabby were cheering before she realised what had happened, and then she laughed. Their victory was short-lived though, because not long after the thundering sound of the avalanche had subsided, another roar filled the air and a shadow fell over her and her friends. It was the most terrifying sound she'd ever heard, and Gabby didn't need to look up to know what was above them. A huge fireball crashed into the trebuchet, causing it to explode, and the dragon from which it had come flew over them shortly after.

"Back to the gates! GO!" Gabby shouted, and started running.

Cullen hurried them through the gates and then shut it behind them. "We need everyone back to the chantry!" he bellowed, a hint of desperation in his voice. "It's the only building that might hold against... that beast!" His eyes met Gabby's shortly, and he said "at this point, just make them work for it". Gabby's insides turned to ice. _He thinks we'll die_ , she realised with shock.

She and the others followed Cullen to the chantry, rescuing some of the villagers from burning cabins on the way there. A lump formed in her throat when she saw the amount of wounded people in the chantry. How could such a fantastic day turn into such a disaster so quickly? _Is the Maker punishing me for my arrogance? For the way I responded to Matthew?_   She thought for a second, and then pushed the thought away. It was ridiculous. But then why was she constantly being pushed into these situations?

"Herald!" Cullen's voice sounded, and Gabby saw him running towards her. "Our position is not good. That dragon stole back any time you might have earned us. There has been no communication, no demands. Just advance after advance".

Dorian walked over to join in. "There was no bargaining with the mages, either. This Elder One takes what it wants. From what I gathered in Redcliffe, it marched all this way to take your Herald".

"Me?!" Gabby said, her eyes widening. "Why?!"

"I don't know, Herald. But he will destroy Haven and everybody in it to get to you. And such a promising start with the landslide". Dorian let out a bitter chuckle. "If only Trebuchets remained an option"

"They are!" Cullen said. "If we turn the last of them to the mountains above us".

"What?" Gabby said, shocked. "But to hit them, we'd bury Haven! And all of us with it!"

Cullen sighed. "This is not survivable anymore. The only choice left is how spitefully we end this".

Gabby's mind was racing. She tried to find another way - _any_ other way - to solve this, but she drew a blank. _This can't be the way this ends,_ she thought, desperation flooding through her. Her eyes flitted to Cassandra, Varric, Bull, Solas, Vivienne, Sera, and all of the other people she'd come to know in Haven. The mood was grim in the Chantry, and the eyes she met were filled with the same hopelessness she felt herself. She turned back to Cullen and Dorian.

Dorian crossed his arms in front of him and frowned. "It's not acceptable" he simply said. "I didn't race here only to have you drop rocks on my head".

"Should we submit? Let him kill us?" Cullen said, his voice filled with anger and annoyance.

"Dying is typically a last resort, not a first one. For a Templar, you think like a blood mage!" Dorian responded with an equal amount of irritation.

"There is a path" a weak voice sounded from behind them, and Gabby spun around. It was chancellor Roderick, who sat on a chair, badly beaten. "You wouldn't know it unless you'd made the Summer Pilgrimage, as I did. The people can escape. She must have shown me. Andraste must have shown me, so I could tell you".

Gabby processed the chancellor's words slowly. Aside from everybody, including her, dying in this chantry, this seemed like their only option. But she knew very well it wasn't as simple as everybody escaping and getting out safely. Somebody would have to stay behind to aim and release the trebuchet. She closed her eyes. _I don't want to die, not now. Not now I've finally found a purpose in my life. But... maybe this_ is _my purpose. If I stay behind to allow these people to escape, to survive, then surely that is a worthy sacrifice? I always wanted my life to mean something, to be worth something. And this is my fault, whatever that thing is, it wants_ me. If _I tell somebody else to stay behind, I would never forgive myself. And it might still come after me, who knows, maybe he can feel the mark. The mark, that's another reason why it has to be me. If that... Elder One, if he opens a rift, I'm the only one who could close it. ...I'm the only one..._

Her eyes snapped open as the decision formed in her mind and turned back to Cullen. He was looking at her intensely, obviously allowing her the time she needed to think about it. "Would it work?" she asked softly.

"Possibly," the ex-Templar said in a sad voice, "If he shows us the way. But what of your escape?"

Gabby shook her head. "Just get these people to safety, Cullen" she said.

"Perhaps you _can_ surprise the elder one" Dorian said.

Cullen readied everyone to follow Roderick, and Dorian supported the chancellor as he got up from his chair. "Herald.." Roderick said softly. "If you were meant for this, if the Inquisition was meant for this... I pray for you". Gabby nodded at him, the pressure on her chest raising.

"Go" she half-whispered, "get our people out".

Cullen sent a few soldiers ahead of her. "They'll load the trebuchets" he said sternly. "We'll send a signal when we're above the tree line. If we are to have a chance, if _you_ are to have a chance, _let that thing hear you_ ". He grabbed her upper arm. "I've seen you fight, Herald, you can do this. And if there is any time... get yourself out of there". Gabby shivered at feeling his blazing eyes on her, an she swallowed.

"I'll try..." she said in a half-sob. Cullen pulled her into a brisk, one armed hug, and then let her go and followed the rest of the villagers. The only ones who stayed behind with her were the Iron Bull, Varric, Cassandra and Vivienne. She looked at them questioningly.

"You didn't think we were letting you do this on your own, did you darling?" Vivienne said.

"Guys, you need to get to safety..." Gabby started saying, but Varric stopped her by putting his hand on her arm.

"We're not going anywhere but with you, Freckles" he said, and Gabby felt her eyes get a little teary. She felt immensely grateful for her friends in this moment. She wanted to argue, to tell them not to sacrifice themselves for her, but there was no time and they really didn't seem to have any intention of leaving her side. So she forced her tears back and nodded.

"Let's go" she said.


	4. Beginning - Awakening

Gabriela awoke in darkness. She searched her mind for the events that had happened before she blacked out. She and her companions had fought their way to the trebuchet, they'd aimed it and then there was the dragon. Gabby had told her friends to run, and they had, but she remembered Varric turning around at a certain point, and seeing the desperation and shock on his face through the flames, when he realised she wasn't following. Corypheus had found her, threatened her,  told her of his plan to enter the Fade and the Golden City. He'd picked her up like a rag doll, and thrown her away with the same ease. She didn't know how, but somehow she'd managed to get to the trebuchet and release it. The projectile had hit its target, and caused an enormous landslide. Corypheus escaped with his dragon, and Gabby had started running without a destination. She just ran, until the snow hit the ground behind her and she was launched into the air. That was the last thing she remembered.

 _I'm alive_ was the next - astonishing - thought that came to her. _How did I survive that?_

She got up slowly, every muscle and bone in her body aching. The mark on her hand glowed bright, and her hand throbbed. _What did Corypheus do?_ she wondered. She remembered him raising some orb and when it connected to the mark on her hand, it was like all life was sucked out of her. Nothing, not even closing the breach, had caused her as much pain as she'd felt in that moment. And yet she'd still found the strength to fire that trebuchet. A small smile pulled on her lips and turned into a loud hysterical laugh, that echoed through the tunnel in front of her. Before, it seemed like a ridiculous notion that Andraste had chosen her, but it seemed more and more likely. How else did she keep escaping from these impossible situations?

She started shuffling through the tunnel, grateful for the light coming from her mark. It was cold, but she was wearing her thick leather armour and there was no wind in the tunnel. _Maybe they haven't gotten so far yet,_ she thought, _maybe I can still catch up._ That hope warmed her as well, though the possibility of her people having left with the assumption that she was dead, nagged in the back of her mind.

A faint light shone at the end of the tunnel, and Gabby moved towards it slowly before a sense of dread hit her - the light was green. That could only mean one thing. She stepped forward into a small area and looking around the corner, her fear was confirmed - there was a rift here. There was no way of passing it without the rift responding, and she did not have the strength to fight demons right now, alone and injured. But there was no other way. So she shuffled closer, to try and close the rift without disturbing it, but before she even set three steps, the rift crackled and opened. _Shit,_ she thought. _Andraste preserve me_.

Two demons materialised. Despair demons. _Shit, shit, shit._ She'd fought them once before, in the Hinterlands, with Bull, Solas and Varric, and they'd needed all of their healing potions to get through it alive. She didn't have her friends to back her up now, and she had one healing potion left. One of the demons shrieked, and she covered her ears from the sound. She jumped backwards to avoid his ice beam, and threw her hand up in a desperate attempt to close the rift before the demons could kill her. Something else happened though, something she hadn't anticipated. Instead of the beam of green light she was familiar with, a green ball of energy rose from her hand, to float in between the two demons. To her surprise, the ball seemed to suck the energy out of the now frozen demons, until both of them dematerialised and the rift pulled them back in. Without another moment of thought, Gabby raised her hand to close the rift. The rift crackled and lit up, and then the room was completely dark. Gabby looked at her mark, but now only a faint green haze was left. _What was that?_ she thought. It seemed like the mark had discharged somehow.

Gabby giggled softly, amazed that once again, by some miracle, she had been saved from what had seemed an impossible situation. The giggle turned into another loud laugh, and tears formed in her eyes while she steadied herself with her hands on her knees. _I'm either the luckiest woman alive, or Andraste is indeed watching over me_ , she thought.

When she finally calmed down, she tried to look around in the dark, but could see nothing. She heard the sound of the wind outside, though, and followed it. At one point, she stepped on something and it cracked underneath her foot, and she tried not to think about what that might have been. The more she went in the direction of the sound, the louder it got, until she turned a corner and saw an opening that led outside. Relief flooded through her, but disappeared when she stepped outside and felt the sharp bite of the cold. She recognised the feel of it -  this wind was the beginning of a snow storm. _All the more reason to press on._

After walking for what felt like hours in the middle of the snow storm, Gabby had a hard time dragging herself through the thick layer of snow that now lay on the ground. Her fingers, toes, ears and nose were all numb, and her cheeks burned from frostbite. She shivered violently, and her eyes kept fluttering shut. She was exhausted. She'd drunk her last healing potion already, and it had helped her get this far, but now she wished that she'd kept it. _Come on, Andraste,_ she thought, _after all these times I've survived, it would be anticlimactic for me to die in a snow storm._

The storm finally calmed down, and Gabby kept dragging her frozen body forward, in the hope of finding her friends. She was counting her steps now, to just focus on something. Her eyes narrowed when she saw a faint light in the distance, but she wasn't sure if it was real or if her mind was tricking her. Shadows moved now, coming towards her, and the closer they came, the more she could make out their shapes. _Please let it be them, please..._

The man running in front of the group, carrying the torch, was closest to her so she recognised him first by the red and black fur around his neck. "Cullen..." Gabby muttered to herself and smiled widely, making her dried lips crack. She winced.

"It's her!" she heard Cullen shout, and she knew she was safe. Her legs gave out, and she dropped face first into the snow. It wasn't long before strong arms rolled her around and lifted her. Gabby kept her eyes closed while she buried her face in Cullen's cloak. "She's so cold" Cullen said to someone else in a desperate voice.

"Let's get her back, Solas will heal her" Gabby recognised Cassandra's voice now.

"How did she get out of there?" a gruff voice sounded, that Gabby knew to be Blackwall's. She smiled softly again. She was safe.

* * *

When Gabby woke up, her mind was hazy. She had pieces of memories, of Solas warming her with his magic, of Varric holding her hand, of Cullen sitting next to her, his eyes filled with worry. She couldn't remember anything else. She looked around the tent she was in, and spotted Varric sleeping on the floor next to her. "Varric" she whispered, and the dwarf responded with a small grunt. "Varric!" she hissed again, and the dwarf shot up from his bedroll, looking around wildly. His eyes landed on her, and a wide smile spread on his face.

"Freckles! You're awake!"

"How long was I out?" Gabby asked. She cleared her throat, it was quite dry.

"Three days. You gave us all a scare. Though it's a miracle that you made it out of there in the first place. How _did_ you do that, exactly?"

"No idea. Sheer luck, or divine intervention. Who knows. Could you get me some water, maybe?" she croaked. Varric handed her his water skin. She drank deeply, realising now how thirsty she was. Varric watched her intently. "We tried to spoon some water into your mouth while you were sleeping, but you kept smacking us away" he said, chuckling at how fast she drained the water skin. When she pulled it away, she gasped and wiped her mouth. She gave the now completely empty water skin back to Varric.

"Thanks" she said dryly. "Where are the others?"

"They're asleep, probably. It's late. You should try to sleep a little more, too. We can present you to the others tomorrow"

Gabby nodded, putting her head back down. "Varric?" she said after a short silence.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for watching over me"

"No problem, Freckles"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm writing ahead, pieces of the later parts. That means that I will post the next few chapters a bit slower but after those I'll have a lot of material to post all at once. 
> 
> Please let me know what you think about the story, any feedback is appreciated!


	5. Euphoria - Invincible

Gabriela stopped her horse and looked around. Varric stopped next to her. "Something the matter, Freckles?" he said.

Gabby took her left glove off and looked at her hand. "There's a rift nearby" she said in a low voice.

Varric frowned. "What? How can you tell?"

"I can feel it... it's hard to explain". Gabby turned towards Cassandra and Dorian, who had just caught up to them. "Get ready, guys" she said.

Cassandra and Dorian looked at her confused, Varric just shrugged. "There's a rift, she says" the dwarf said. Before Dorian and the Seeker could respond, Gabby had already jumped off her horse and started marching away. Her companions hurried to follow her. Sure enough, when they followed the road around the corner, a rift appeared before them. Gabby didn't hesitate for a second, and drew her daggers to run towards the demons that materialised from the rift.

"Inquisitor!" Cassandra said in an alarmed voice, running to catch up to Gabby with Dorian and Varric. Gabby felt unstoppable though. She killed the first rage demon in only seconds, and jumped to the side to avoid the claws of a terror demon. She took a running leap towards it and twisted around in the air, twirling her daggers around like a deadly hurricane. Her heart was beating like a war drum, and a wide grin was on her face as she took demon after demon down. She didn't even notice her companions fighting for their lives around her. After she'd sliced off the last demon's head, she spun around immediately to close the rift. Her hand still throbbed when she did that, but it didn't bother her anymore - it made her feel stronger.

"Inquisitor" Cassandra panted, "I do not think it wise for you to just storm off like that when - ugh! Inquisitor!" she grunted when Gabby already marched away again. She went straight for what seemed to just be a rock. She circled around it and said in a cheery voice "It's okay, you're safe". The two men who'd been hiding behind the rock stood up slowly.

"Are you.. the Inquisitor? The Herald of Andraste?" one of the men stammered. Gabby flashed a bright smile at them in response.

The other man dropped onto his knees in front of her. "Thank you, Blessed Herald of Andraste, for saving our lives" he said, his head lowered. Gabby chuckled.

"Don't be silly, my friend. Get on your feet. My name is Gabriela. Are you merchants?" she said, offering her hand to the man kneeling in front of her. He stared at it for a second and then took it.

"Y-Yes! My name is Robert, and this is my brother Liam. We gather herbs and make potions, and sell them. We were travelling to Denerim, but the roads are much more dangerous these days. We can deal with a few bandits, but _demons..._ "

Gabby smiled. "Well met, my friend. My father's name is Robert too, and he is a very good man, so you must be too. You have nothing to fear from us. Our camp is just up ahead, you can join us, at least then you will have a safe place to spend the night. As a matter of fact..." Gabby said, thinking to herself. "If you're interested, we would have a position for you in the Inquisition. You could travel with us to Skyhold when we return".

Both of the men looked at her, baffled. "We... we would be honoured, your grace!" Robert said. He looked at his brother. "A position in the Inquisition, Liam! Do you hear that?". Liam nodded frantically.

"Then that's settled. Let's go to camp first" Gabby said with a nod. She looked at her companions to confirm, and they nodded in agreement, though Cassandra did it with a deep frown on her face.

After Solas had told Gabby about Skyhold, she'd led their people to the fortress. Miraculously, almost everybody made it out of Haven alive. On the day of their arrival, Leliana, Josephine, Cullen and Cassandra had asked Gabriela to be Inquisitor, and she was deeply honoured. She took the position with pride. Within a week, they had turned the abandoned Skyhold into a fully functioning stronghold, and Gabriela had become certain that Andraste was watching over them, over her. Whatever happened at the Conclave, whatever it was that she didn't remember, it was then that her life had changed. She'd faced rebel mages and templars, bandits, an Envy demon, Corypheus and his dragon, and she'd survived all of it miraculously. She felt now that she could do anything, that she was invincible. And that feeling was incredible.

They reached the camp swiftly, and Gabby helped Robert and Liam set up their tents. "Thank you so much, Inquisitor" Robert said again, and Gabby shook her head with a chuckle.

"It's not a problem at all, Robert. We're happy to have you join us" she said, and she left the two brothers to themselves.

They cooked some Druffelo meat and ate around the fire, and Varric was telling his stories again. His stories about Kirkwall seemes so much more vivid now that Gabby had met Marcus Hawke, and he was actually there with them to fill the gaps in Varric's stories. Hawke was a very handsome man, and amazingly down to earth for a legend. She'd talked to him about Corypheus, about his adventures in Kirkwall and about random things while enjoying a glass of whiskey. Hawke had a warden friend who she was excited to meet too, because he turned out to be Alistair Theirin, who had travelled with the Hero of Ferelden in the fifth blight. Gabby had admitted to Hawke with a chuckle that she had a bit of a hero-obsession. The reason why they were meeting Alistair was grim, though, because it seemed like something strange was going on with the wardens. That's why they left for Crestwood the next day, where Alistair would be waiting for them. At all other places they'd visited, people were all looking to her to solve all their problems and Crestwood was no exception. There had been a huge rift in the middle of the lake, which caused dead to rise and corpses to crawl out of the water. They'd spent their first day by draining the lake and travelling to the rift to close it. They'd stumbled into old Crestwood on their way, and made the shocking discovery that it was actually Crestwood's mayor who'd flooded the town along with the townspeople. The mayor had confessed this in a letter - that Gabby had found in his house later - and fled. Gabby had immediately written to Leliana so the spymaster could send people to find the man. By then the day was almost at an end, and Gabby had decided they would meet Alistair the next day. It was on their way back to the camp that they'd discovered the other rift, and Robert and Liam.

Gabby got up from the ground and stretched her back. "Where are you going, boss?" Bull asked.

"Just to relieve myself, Bull" she said, sticking her tongue out at him. To her surprise, Blackwall got up too.

"It's not safe for you to venture away from the camp on your own, Inquisitor" the warden said in a gruff voice.

"I can take care of myself, Blackwall" Gabby said with a sigh.

"I will stand guard, Inquisitor. I insist" Blackwall said stubbornly, and Gabby grunted at him in frustration. She knew better than to argue about this. The Warden always felt like he needed to protect her whenever he was around, which was secretly why she often chose to not take him along with her.

She marched out of the camp at her own pace, not caring if Blackwall could keep up with her. She found a small stream and washed her face before pulling her pants down to relieve herself. She saw the shadow of Blackwall's back in the darkness, a few feet away from her. A wicked grin spread on her face. She pulled her pants up, and crawled to hide in the bushes as silently as she could. She waited until he finally turned around, and could hear him gasp before saying "Inquisitor?!" in an alarmed voice. She waited until he reached the spot next to the stream where she had been sitting, and he had his back turned to her. She giggled silently before jumping him, and he roared in surprise when she landed on his back. He drew his sword, but she was faster, spinning around him to show her face.

"Inquisitor!" he exclaimed in surprise. She giggled again.

"Sorry, Blackwall" she said, "I told you I can take care of myself though".

He looked at her with a deep frown for a moment, and then he exhaled and smiled back at her. "I suppose you're right. You startled me" he said with a low chuckle. Gabby felt it against her chest, since her body was still against his, her arms around his neck. His skin was warm through his leather armour, and Gabby suddenly realised how good it felt to feel a man's body against hers. It had been a long time since she'd felt that.

A seductive smile crept up on her face as she said "well, we do have some privacy here. We could stay a little bit longer". She couldn't really see his face clearly in the dark, but she was sure that he was blushing.

"What are you suggesting, Inquisitor?" he said, his voice deep.

Gabby leaned forward. "I'll give you a little hint" she whispered in his ear, and kissed him softly on his neck. Blackwall's body stiffened against hers, and his hands flew up to her hips.

"Are you sure that's such a good idea, Gabriela?" he asked.

It was a rare thing to hear him call her by her name. That, and the lust that she heard in his voice, told her this was an _excellent_ idea. She pressed her lips against Blackwall's, and started walking forward, pushing him until his back was against a tree. Her kiss tamed him immediately, and his hands slid around her waist and pulled her against him. Gabby loosened his belt, and pulled his breeches and smallclothes down just enough to reveal his hardening manhood. She didn't pause as she pulled her own pants off, and steadied herself on his shoulders to jump up and throw her legs around his waist. Gabby was already soaked, and she lowered herself onto him in a smooth motion. Blackwall groaned and thrust upward, and Gabby bit his lower lip playfully. Blackwall spun them around so she was now with her back against the tree and he could thrust into her more easily. Gabby let out a small moan. It felt so good to have a man inside her again, to be fucked again. It made her feel desirable, irresistible. Blackwall was grunting with every thrust, and Gabby felt tension build in her to announce her approaching climax. Her fingernails dug into the skin of his neck, and she dragged them slowly. She wanted to leave a mark, she wanted him to remember this. _Not that it's very likely that he'll forget,_ she thought and grinned to herself, right before letting out a loud moan as she exploded around him. Blackwall was sweating heavily now, and his fingers pressed into the skin of her back as he groaned and thrust himself into her once more before following her over the edge. His cock twitched as he emptied himself into her. A small warning went off in the back of Gabby's mind, but she pushed it away.

She was still catching her breath when Blackwall pulled himself out of her and set her down on the ground. He kissed her one more time, and whispered against her lips "You are a goddess..."

Gabby felt a little flutter in her stomach. _A goddess, huh?_ her mind shouted in victory. _Well, who knows..._


	6. Euphoria - Impatience

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aw man, I somehow lost the whole chapter and had to retype the whole damn thing. But I think it turned out okay. Emphasis here on Gabby's growing impatience and confidence. I hope you'll like this chapter!

_Dear mother, father,_

_I'm so sorry for not having written you for a long time. A lot has happened since my last letter. I closed the breach, came face to face with a darkspawn magister and his dragon, and have been named Inquisitor. It has all been a bit overwhelming, but for the first time in my life I feel proud to share my experiences with you. I'm sure Matt might have a thing or two to say to that, but that doesn't matter to me right now. I'm doing really good work._

_Haven was destroyed while fighting the above mentioned darkspawn magister - his name is Corypheus - so any letters you have sent me would have been lost. I hope you haven't been too worried. The Inquisition has established a foothold at Skyhold, a previously abandoned fortress in the Frostback mountains, and is growing each day._ _Aside from my duties as Inquisitor , which mostly keep me at Skyhold, I am also still the Herald of Andraste and the only person who can close the remaining fade rifts all over Thedas. Also, Corypheus wants to take over the world and has gathered quite an army, and thus we are now at war. The Inquisition has grown quite large too, however, and I am confident that we are able to win any battle at this point. You can imagine that my days are quite fully booked._

_However, I miss you and my brothers dearly, so I hereby invite you to come visit me at Skyhold. We're throwing a banquet eight weeks from this date, and I would love for you to be there. Please let me know if you will be able to come._

_With love,_

_Gabriela._

* * *

 

Gabby rolled up her letter and handed it to Jenna, who had been, as usual, waiting patiently until Gabby was finished. Gabby smiled at the girl. She still remembered how she found her, a skinny, fourteen year old girl who had tried to steal Gabby's pouch the first time they'd visited Redcliffe. When Gabby caught her, the girl had turned red as an apple, and she had explained with a stammer how she was providing for her little brother, how it was just the two of them, and how she'd never stolen anything in her life but they'd run out of money and she was desperate. Gabby had followed Jenna home, and when she saw that the two children were living in squalor, she hadn't hesitated to offer them a place in Haven. Jenna became her personal messenger, and Gabby had made sure the girl and her brother had wanted for nothing. Now, months later, Jenna had become more of a little sister to Gabby.

"How's Dennis?" Gabby asked. Jenna smiled widely.

"He's good! He's always talking about you, always asking about you. Maybe you would visit us some time? Maybe you could join us for dinner?" Jenna blushed then. "I - I mean, if you have the time, and if you want to, of course".

"I would love to. I've been very busy of late, but I'm sure I could make time for that in the next few weeks" Gabby responded with a smile, while she put her hand on Jenna's shoulder. The girl beamed back at her.

"That is wonderful! I will go tell Dennis immediately!" the girl blushed again and lowered her eyes to the floor. "I - I mean, after I send your letter, of course".

Gabby laughed. "Off you go" she said warmly, "you can take the rest of the day off. The weather is lovely".

Jenna's eyes shot up again and she nodded frantically, smiling widely again. She spun on her heels and skipped towards the stairs.

Gabby sighed and turned around to walk towards her balcony. She leaned on the balustrade with her hands and closed her eyes. It really was a lovely day. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the warm sunlight on her face. She breathed in the cold mountain air and in that moment, she felt exultant. It was not just the weather, but also the success of their mission in Crestwood, her growing confidence in the Inquisition, and maybe also the memory of her little tryst with Blackwall. Her stomach fluttered when she thought about it. The trip back to Skyhold had actually been quite torturous, since the warden hadn't followed her anymore whenever she excused herself from the camp. She was sure he was worried about getting caught, or damaging her reputation, or he'd just wanted to stay professional. Whatever the reason was, she knew it wasn't because he hadn't liked their encounter. Why else would he have called her _a goddess_? And besides, there were a lot of things Gabriela was insecure about, but her skill with men was not one of those.

She smiled to herself and kept her eyes closed, and did not turn around when she heard footsteps on the stairs behind her. "Trying to get a tan, Freckles?" her favourite dwarf said behind her. "You do realise we'll be getting plenty of time in the sun when we go to the west, right?".

Gabby opened her eyes and turned around. "Hello Varric" she said with a smile, "I do know that. But it might be a while before we hear from Alistair. Have I mentioned, by the way, that he's _delicious?"._

Varric chuckled. "Several times. Just like you mentioned that about Hawke. You know they're both taken, right?"

Gabby sighed dramatically. "All the good men are taken... Alistair, Marcus, you...".

Varric shrugged. "I would love to, Freckles, but Bianca gets jealous. Besides, you seem to have something going on with Beardy. Or am I wrong?"

Gabby's jaw slacked. "What? How did you - I mean, when... What?!"

The dwarf barked out a laugh and slapped her on the shoulder. "Oh, come now, Freckles. You were not really as subtle as you hoped you were". He added with a wink, "but then again, I am quite observant. I won't tell a soul".

"You'd better not" Gabby grumbled. "what are you doing here, anyway?"

"Can't I just visit my dear friend in her chambers to have a little chat? And maybe tease her a little bit?" Varric responded. Gabby grunted in response. "Also, nightingale asked me to _fetch you_ \- her words, not mine - to get to the war room. You still owe your advisors a full report on our adventures in Crestwood".

Gabby sighed. "Maker's breath, we came back just this morning. Can't I have a little time for myself?"

Varric shrugged again. "You're the Inquisitor now, Freckles. Your time is never really yours anymore. Anyway, that was the message. Drinks at the tavern tonight?"

Gabby smiled and nodded. "If they let me out of there before Cabot closes up, anyway. See you later, Varric".

Varric left her chambers and Gabby turned to the sun to enjoy the warmth for another minute, before she followed him down the stairs and went on her way to the war room.

* * *

Gabby had given her advisors a fully detailed report on Crestwood. About the mayor, old Crestwood and the flood, about Alistair and his knowledge about the wardens, and about Robert and Liam. Well, she didn't give them _all_ the details... She smiled a little to herself when the memory of Blackwall surfaced again. "I suppose we'll just have to wait until we hear from Alistair before we can proceed with that" she concluded. Her advisors nodded.

"There are a few other matters that require your attention, Inquisitor" Josephine said, and Gabby's stomach jumped a little at hearing the word _Inquisitor._ She'd taken a real liking to her new title. The four of them looked over the war table and they slowly went through all the operations that were currently available. Far too slowly for Gabby's liking, and after a while she sighed and looked out the window to find out that the afternoon was coming to an end, which meant that they'd been at it for at least an hour. Suddenly, she didn't like her title as much anymore. They'd sent out the orders to acquire some "arcanist" who supposedly was greatly talented, and a few unique new mounts for the stables. Josephine was reading another letter to her.

"... _During a ball in the south quarter, I witnessed a cousin five times remove from Lady Trevelyan threaten to have the Inquisition fight his rival! He quickly left the party after I made my connection with the Inquisition clear, but the problem..."_

Gabby waved her hand dismissively. "Yeah, yeah, I get it. Some distant relative is using the Trevelyan name to make idle threats. Denounce them. What is this?" She grabbed another letter from the pile.

"Oh, eh..." Josephine said, apparently needing a moment to adapt to the Inquisitor's quick switch. "That is... from Sera, actually. It's quite... strange".

"Sera? This I need to see" Gabby said with a grin and read through the note, and then laughed out loud. "She wants jars of bees as weapons? That's _brilliant!_ Leliana, can you find this man?"

The spymaster looked at her with one eyebrow raised, and said after a moment of silence "If he's peddling them to fighting forces, my people will find the trail". Gabby nodded.

They went through more of the letters and Gabby was getting increasingly impatient. She wanted to just get out of that stuffy room. Josephine was just reading out loud a letter from Arl Teagon of Redcliffe when Gabby grunted and said "yeah, I get it. Cullen, deal with it". She looked up to her commander, who was looking at her with a surprised expression. She realised now that she hadn't really looked at him much during this meeting, and decided that she should do so more often, since he was a very pleasing man to look at.

"Yes, Inquisitor. I know the mine the Arl is talking about. I will deploy troops at once" Cullen said.

"Good. Anything else?" Gabby said, hoping they would say no.

"Actually..." Cullen began, and Gabby groaned in response. He frowned at her. "There is still the matter of the dragon near Redcliffe. It is becoming more of a problem. Last week it took flight and scared the villagers greatly. It didn't do anything, but the risk is too great. Also, her dragonlings have been feeding on cattle nearby, which is costing the farmers more than they can afford".

Gabby's eyes opened and she smiled widely. "Now _that_ is something I can deal with".

Cullen immediately raised his hands in protest. "Inquisitor, no! That's _not_ what I meant. We can send some soldiers to take care of the dragon".

"Or I can see if there is any way to lure it away, so it will take up residence in a different area" Leliana added.

Gabby shook her head. "First of all, Bull would never forgive me if I took away his chance of taking down a dragon. Secondly, _I_ would never forgive _myself_ if we send soldiers to fight it and they all die. The most capable fighters we have are the ones that travel with me. We will deal with it".

Cullen scowled. "It's too dangerous, Inquisitor! We can't let you..."

Gabby raised her hand to stop him. "Let me _what?_ Last I knew, _I'm_ in charge. _You_ put me there. I will deal with it as I see fit". All three of her advisors looked at her with baffled expressions, but none of them spoke. "Now, if you'll excuse me. I believe the oxygen in this room is running out. And I would like to have a little bit of time for myself before I leave again. We will depart for the Hinterlands tomorrow". She didn't wait for any of them to respond, spun around and marched out of the war room, feeling very pleased with herself.

She heard the footsteps behind her, but didn't bother to turn around. She was already at the doors of the great hall when the person following her caught up to her and she felt a hand close around her wrist. She stopped and turned around. It was Cullen, she was surprised to see.

"Inquisitor, I -" he let go of her hand, and rubbed his neck. It was something he did when he was nervous, she'd discovered, and it was quite endearing. "I apologise if I offended you in the war room. I still think it's not wise for you to fight a dragon, but you were right. You are the Inquisitor, and rightly so. You've gotten through many impossible situations already, so I should not doubt your ability to take care of yourself. It's just..." his eyes flitted around, he was obviously uncomfortable, and it irritated Gabby a little. "...I just worry about your safety sometimes" he finally said.

Gabby's eyes widened. "You worry about me?" she said in a small voice.

Cullen blushed. He _blushed_. "I do. I hope that doesn't... bother you?"

Gabby laughed at that. He could be so _silly_ sometimes. "It doesn't bother me, Cullen. I think it's sweet. But I'm still fighting that dragon".

Cullen chuckled a little in response. "I would have expected nothing less" he said. "I should get back to work. Good evening, Inquisitor".

"You too, Commander" Gabby responded. While she watched him leave, she remembered watching him in Haven and promising herself that she would try to get to know the man better. She decided now that she would definitely do that, because something still told her that there was so much more to the Commander than what she'd seen from him so far. She stored that notion in her mind, and then started on her way towards the tavern.

It was already dark, so her friends should be there, she thought. She was right. "So, finally decided to join us, have you?" Dorian said as Gabby sat down next to him. "Important Inquisitorial business to conduct, I presume?". Gabby chuckled.

"Very important. Feel like killing a dragon with me?" she said.

"Somebody say something about killing a dragon?" a booming voice sounded from behind them, which of course belonged to the Iron Bull. "I'm invited, boss, aren't I?".

Gabby slapped him on the back. "Of course, Bull. I wouldn't even dream of killing a dragon without you. What about you, Varric?".

Varric sighed and drained his tankard before responding. "Well, shit. Who am I to say no?".

Gabby grinned at him, and then looked around her. "Wait, where's Blackwall?" she said. Her companions threw knowing looks at one another, which made her think Varric hadn't quite kept his promise, but nobody said anything. She shrugged. _His loss._ She raised her hand to signal at the bartender.

"Cabot! Two more over here!"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two more chapters, I think, and then I can post a lot of stuff all at once, because I wrote a few chapters in advance. No promises though, because I might still decide later I don't like any of it and delete it all to start again. You never know with me. 
> 
> Anyway, I want this to be as close to reality as possible, and some days I can relate to Gabby's current emotional state more than others. So like I said, no promises!


	7. Euphoria - Boldness

It was almost morning already. Gabby had spent most of what was left of the night after she left the tavern reading about dragons and their weaknesses, since in only a few hours, she and her party would depart to the Hinterlands. She knew she should be sleeping, that she would need the energy, but at the same time, she didn't feel like sleeping at all. There were just so many more important things to do. The tray next to her was empty, and she wished she would have kept some of the cakes that had been brought up to her the night before. Of course, she ate all of them at once. She laughed to herself.

Somehow, she fell asleep for a few hours anyway after a while, but woke up when the first sunlight shone through her window. She felt invigorated, like she'd in fact slept for a full night. She put on her leather armour and left her chambers to meet her companions. She was the first one at the stables, of course, and one by one her friends showed up as well. Varric was first, and he looked like he didn't quite get up as easily as her that morning. Gabby chuckled. "Good morning, Varric!" she said, a little too loudly.

Varric winced, then yawned, and said in a sleepy voice "You are way too cheerful for this early in the morning, Freckles".

Gabby opened her mouth to respond, but she heard two other voices behind her. "Well then maybe you should just admit that not all of us are quite as bad as in all those horrific stories you've heard" Dorian's voice sounded.

" _Heard?_ Lived, Vint! But fine, yeah, you're not so bad" sounded Bull's response. "Morning, boss! Ready to leave?".

Gabby smiled. "Not quite yet. Sera is coming too. Solas and Cassandra are as well, but I suspect they're already waiting for us at the gates".

"Chuckles is coming? He wanted to fight a dragon?" Varric asked, surprised.

"Not exactly. He'll stay at the camp. I thought it might not be such a bad idea to have a healer with us, just in case Bull decides to take on the dragon by himself". Gabby said.

Bull barked out a loud laugh, and said "good thinking, boss!", and Gabby grinned.

They waited for Sera, who was, as usual, complaining loudly that it was ridiculous to have to get up this early in the morning. Cassandra and Solas were indeed waiting for the rest of them outside Skyhold's gates, both of them with grim expressions on their faces. "Inquisitor" they said in unison, and Gabby chuckled a little.

The journey to the Hinterlands went easily enough, but in the area itself they were all of the sudden surrounded by bears. While they all fought the animals off, Bull and Varric seemed to be having a contest who would kill the most of them, and Gabby was laughing while she fought for her life. The adrenaline in het veins lifted any fear she might have felt, which was not that much to begin with because this was not the first time they'd fought bears in this particular area of the Hinterlands. It was almost like there was some hidden collection of bears in a cave somewhere. When Bull struck down the last one, everybody stood to catch their breath for a moment.

"That's four to three, dwarf" Bull said with a wide grin.

"Not exactly fair, Tiny. Seeker helped out with that last one" Varric responded.

Cassandra cut the dwarf and qunari off by saying "We should go to the nearest camp and regain our strength".

Gabby immediately protested. "No, come on! Let's keep going! We could be where the dragon is in a few hours!".

Cassandra frowned disapprovingly, and said "it would be dark by the time we arrived, which would be to the dragon's advantage and our disadvantage. Besides, I think it's wiser to engage with the beast at full strength, do you not, Inquisitor?".

"She's right, boss. As much as I want to kill it, if we're not prepared, it will most likely kill us instead"

Gabby wanted to protest again, but she knew they were right. She just really, _really_ wanted to go find that dragon. She nodded sullenly.

So they went to the nearest camp, and soon enough, the sky went dark. Like every night, they sat around the campfire telling stories, aside from Solas, who always sat at a distance from the rest. Way too soon for Gabby's liking, everybody went to bed. "Aww, no, come on! One more story! Guys!" she said, and her companions turned around to look at her with surprised looks on their faces.

"What's up with you, boss? You've been running around like somebody is holding a flame underneath your arse." Bull said.

"Yeah Freckles, I don't know about you, but we're all exhausted from travelling all day and fighting bears. Didn't you say you spent most of last night doing research? How can you not be tired?" Varric added.

Gabby blushed. "Fine, fine. I get it. I'll go to bed too. No need to make a fuss about it".

So she went to bed, but she didn't feel like sleeping _at all._ It was the last thing she wanted to do. But she tried to tell herself what her companions had said as well, that they needed their strength, they needed to be well-rested, blah, blah, blah... Gabby's mind wandered off to the memory of her and Blackwall, as it had so many times in the last weeks. She remembered his surprised look when she jumped him, his big, strong arms on her back, the smell of his breath. She remembered the way he'd groaned when he finally entered her, and the sounds he drew from her lips while thrusting into her with force. She remembered his cock twitching as he came inside of her, and the feeling of his seed being released into her.

She replayed the events of that night over and over in her head, and found herself slowly wriggling in het bedroll. Her hand slid over her belly and between her legs, and she pushed a finger into the wetness that had started forming there. She let out a small moan and clasped her other hand around her mouth when she realised the sound had come out louder than she'd intended. Before she could really think, her tent flap was pulled open.

"You alright, Inky? I was just out takin' a piss, and I heard you... oh!" it was Sera, of course. The elf covered her mouth with both her hands and half giggled, half snorted when she realised what Gabby was doing. The sound of it was so infectious that Gabby started laughing as well, despite the dark shade of red that her cheeks had taken.

"Sera, please. Don't just stand there with the flap open like that. In or out" Gabby said jokingly.

Sera stepped into the tent and dropped the flap behind her. "Is that an invitation, then?" she said with a naughty smile. "Thinkin' of beardy, were you? Too bad he isn't here then, innit?" she stepped closer to Gabby, who started to feel very warm all of the sudden. "I could help you, you know. Release some of that tension. If you like" Sera continued, and Gabby blinked at her. She knew exactly what Sera was offering, but she'd never been with a woman before. It seemed exciting, though, and any form of excitement was, right now, better than lying in a tent alone, staring into the darkness. And also, she liked Sera. Didn't really understand her most of the time, but she liked her.

So Gabby smiled and said "that sounds like quite an idea", which encouraged Sera to come closer still, taking her clothes off while she moved.

"Just for fun, yeah?" Sera whispered after she'd sat down next to Gabby, her lips brushing Gabby's ear.

"Just for fun" Gabby responded, a little breathless, and then Sera's lips were on hers.

And fun it was. Gabby had never been with a woman before, so she didn't know how it was, but Sera knew how to do things with her hands and tongue that Gabby had never experienced before. Sera left her tent very early in the morning, with just a few hours of sleep left for both of them. Gabby felt properly pleased, since Sera had made sure to give her several orgasms before calling it a night. Gabby had tried to return the favour, but Sera had pushed her back every time, claiming this was about Gabby's tension needing to be released. Gabby had half a mind to try that with Sera again some time, but this time with the roles reversed, even though she would probably not be even half as skilled as Sera was.

She fell asleep with a smile on her face, to wake up only a few hours later, just like the night before. This time, her companions were already up and dressed and breaking their fast when Gabby exited her tent.

"Morning, boss! Ready for that dragon?" Bull said cheerfully. "Or did you make it a little bit too late last night?". He winked.

Gabby blushed and looked at Sera, who started laughing out loud. "Don't look at me, Inky! I didn't say anything!".

Gabby saw Cassandra, who'd looked away with a slight blush on her cheeks, and then turned her eyes back to Bull and smiled sweetly. "I feel great, actually. Ready for anything".

Bull let out a booming laugh and said "Good to know, boss!".

Varric held out a bowl of druffalo stew for her, and she took it with gratitude. They finished their meals, and then got ready to depart. Gabby felt the excitement flowing through her entire body like electricity when she thought about the fact that they would be taking on a dragon in less than a few hours. _A dragon!_

* * *

It had seemed like such a good idea in advance. Now that they were actually face to face with the huge, terrifying beast, the Iron Bull was the only one who was still excited. The rest of Gabby's companions looked like she felt - ready to shit their trousers. But they could not go back now, so Gabby let out a loud battle cry and ran towards the dragon. Cassandra, Sera and Bull followed, Bull shouting "Hell yeah!". Dorian and Varric stayed behind, finding their own positions from which they could fire. Gabby jumped and rolled and ducked to avoid the dragon's tail and claws, mostly staying between its front paws after she found out that was the safest spot for her.

"Aim at the paws!" she shouted at Varric and Dorian, while she and the others tried to hurt the beast's paws to hopefully make it fall over. She was incredibly glad that she'd stayed up reading all that stuff about dragons now. When the dragon finally fell on its side, Gabby aimed at the beast's belly with her daggers. The dragon let out a incredibly high-pitched scream, and for a moment or two, Gabby felt dizzy and disoriented.

"Stay sharp! There's little ones coming!" Varric shouted from up high, and Gabby shook her head and spun around. There were four dragonlings coming toward her and her companions. While her focus was on the small dragons, she responded too late when the mother dragon suddenly got on its feet again. A huge paw sweeped backwards and Gabby got the wind knocked out of her while being thrown through the air.

"Inquisitor!" Gabby heard Cassandra's voice shout, and then she screamed when her back hit the ground. Nausea spread through her belly. She lifted the hand which had instinctively clutched at her side, and it was covered in blood. Cassandra was next to her then. Bull and Sera were still fighting, she saw. All of this suddenly seemed like a spectacularly bad idea. "Inquisitor, we need to get you to safety. You need healing" Cassandra said, her voice desperate.

"Cass, stop, I'm alright" Gabby panted. "It looks worse than it is. My armour stopped most of it". And she knew that was right. Her armour was made of great bear hide, and if she'd been wearing anything less, the dragon's claws probably would have impaled her. She shivered at the thought of that. She supported herself with one hand on Cassandra's shoulder as she got up, and took a healing potion from her pouch. When she drank it, the bleeding stopped immediately and a pleasant warmth spread through the wound. "Come on" she said to Cassandra, "we need to help them".

"Ugh! Inquisitor!" Cassandra shouted with frustration while Gabby ran back towards the dragon and her friends, and then followed.


	8. Euphoria - Celebrations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some conversations in this chapter are taken directly from the game.  
> The one with Cullen because it's important. And the one with Bull... well.. because it's fun :)
> 
> Also, I mentioned the banquet in chapter 6 (in the letter) and I changed when it would take place, because it seemed like too little time to have certain events happening, then travel to Halamshiral and back in time for the banquet.

"So the dragon has been taken care of?" Leliana asked.

Gabby moved her eyes from the war table to spymaster and smiled. "Of course" she said smugly.

"I heard you were injured. Are you alright?" Cullen asked. Gabby looked at him. He looked very tired. The circles that were always under his eyes seemed darker than usual, and she noticed the hand than seemed permanently fixed to the pommel of his sword was shaking a little. His knuckles were white from how tightly he was squeezing. "Inquisitor?" he asked, and she raised her eyes to meet his again. There was worry in them, she saw, and that warmed her a little. He cared about her.

"I'm fine" she said, and shrugged. "I was injured, yes, but Solas healed me".

"I'm glad" he said, and she knew he meant it. _Damn it,_ she thought, _I really need to start putting some effort into getting to know him better._

"There is another matter we wished to discuss with you, Inquisitor" Josephine said, and Gabby shifted her attention. "We received word from our people in Halamshiral, and the assassination attempt on Empress Celene will most likely occur the night of the great Ball. We've managed to get invitations".

"Wow. Really?" Gabby said, unenthusiastically. "The great ball..."

She thought she heard Cullen snort, and her eyes moved to his face, but his expression was as serious and solemn as ever, aside from what seemed like a small glint of humour in his eyes. But she wasn't sure if she'd even seen that right.

"So...I'm guessing that I'll have to go to this ball then?" Gabby asked. Josephine nodded.

"We have seven invitations to the ball itself. Which means you, the three of us, and three of your companions. Aside from that, we will of course have a few agents to travel with us and stand guard outside, for safety. It is for you to choose which of your companions you want to bring, though I would advise against taking Sera. It does not seem like the type of event that she would... enjoy" the ambassador said, and Gabby chuckled.

"Duly noted. I suppose my leather armour will not be acceptable garb?" Gabby asked

Josephine giggled. "Sadly... no. That's why Bonny Sims will meet you in your chambers after this meeting to take your measurements for a dress".

"Oh, joy..." Gabby sighed, and now Cullen definitely chuckled. She looked at him and he restrained himself immediately, but she winked at him and saw the corner of his mouth pull up a little.

"We leave in a week" Leliana said.

"How about our own banquet? I'd hate to miss it, especially since I invited my family" Gabby responded.

"I see no need to linger long after the ball, so we should be able to return to Skyhold well in time for the banquet. This mission is a little bit more important than that, though" Leliana said coldly.

Gabby nodded. "Well, unless there's anything else to be discussed, I'm going to meet Bonny then. Wish me luck" she said with another wink to the Commander, and then spun around to leave the war room.

Bonny was already waiting for Gabby in her chambers, and occupied her time until well in the evening taking measurements, trying on dresses, pinning off fabrics, and making Gabby choose different fabrics and colours. It was already getting dark when somebody knocked on Gabby's door.

"Yes! Come in!" Gabby said, a little too loudly, hoping that whoever was here was going to save her from this torturous long fitting.

There were heavy footsteps on the stairs, and then to Gabby's surprise, Cullen appeared at the top of them, carrying a tray of food.

"Commander!" she exclaimed, "you're not here for important Inquisition business, are you?"

"What? No, I..." the Commander started to say, but the pleading look on Gabby's face stopped him. "Ah - Yes, I am, actually" he corrected himself as he put the tray on her desk. "I have a report from Leliana. Confidential information".

Gabby looked down at Bonny with an apologetic expression. "Sorry, I would have loved to continue, but if this is important..."

Bonny scoffed "do you think me a fool, girl? Fine, fine, I'll leave. You didn't have to make such a show of it. We'll continue this tomorrow, at noon".

Gabby waited for Bonny to be gone, and then stepped towards Cullen. She turned her back to him, raised her hair with one hand and asked "Will you please undo this? I can't breathe in this cursed thing".

"Y-yes, of course, Inquisitor" Cullen said, a little hesitantly. It was a moment before he actually raised his hands to undo the lacing of the dress' bodice. His fingers touched her skin slightly while he undid the knot at the top, and that moment of contact sent a shiver down her spine. "Are you cold, my lady?" Cullen asked softly, and Gabby realised she must have had goose bumps on her back.

"a little" she said, slightly breathless. Cullen's fingers were now slowly sliding down her back while he loosened the lacing, and even though there was a layer of fabric between her skin and his hands, she still felt it as though he was caressing her naked body. The air suddenly seemed thicker, making it harder for her to breathe. She noticed that he was very quiet too, as if he was holding his breath. A hot blush crept up her face and she closed her eyes. He was almost done, she knew, when she felt his fingers on her lower back. Her heart was racing now, and she tried to will it to silence, knowing for sure that he would be able to hear it. And then he was done.

"Thank you" Gabby said, her voice sounding strange to herself. She turned around, and saw that Cullen had now turned his back to her to allow her to change her clothes. Her eyes found the tray of food next, and all other thought went away when she realised just how hungry she was. To support that, her belly made a low rumbling sound and Cullen chuckled.

"You're my hero, Commander. I might've starved if you hadn't decided to come to feed me" she said.

"Well, I thought you could use some nourishment after hours of dress-fitting. I'm glad that was the right choice. I also needed to speak to you, Inquisitor".

"Gabriela" Gabby said while she pulled her trousers up.

"What?"

"My name. Gabriela. You might as well call me by it if you're going to bring me food and undress me" she said, now buttoning up her blouse. "You can turn around now".

He did, and to Gabby's delight, she saw a blush on his cheeks as well. It was nice to know she could have that effect even on a man as strong as Cullen. "So," she said, gesturing to the desk, "you wanted to talk? Do you mind if I eat in the meantime? I'm famished".

"No, not at all, Inquis- Gabriela." Cullen stammered, sitting across from her at the desk.

Gabriela looked at the tray, which had fruit on it, some bread, a cup of wine and a roasted chicken. She broke off a leg and started munching on it, uncaring about how unladylike she looked.

"I don't know how much you know about the Templar order?" Cullen asked.

"Quite a lot actually" Gabby said with her mouth full. It was true. She had once been infatuated with a young Templar recruit and in her obsession, she'd read every single book she could find on the subject cover to cover. She winced at the memory, and shook it off. She raised her eyes to look at Cullen. "Why?"

"Then you know that Templar's abilities come from Lyrium, but it controls us as well. Those cut off suffer. Some go mad, other die. We've secured a reliable source of Lyrium for the Templars here. But I no longer take it".

Gabby nearly choked on a piece of chicken. She coughed, and Cullen leaned forward in alarm to pat her on the back. "What- why?" she managed to ask.

"I stopped when I joined the Inquisition. It's been months now. After what happened in Kirkwall, I couldn't... I will not be bound by the order, or that life, any longer. Whatever the suffering, I accept it" Cullen answered, his voice grave.

Gabby put down the piece of chicken she was holding and hastily wiped her hands on her napkin before reaching over the desk to hold Cullen's hand. He seemed startled by that movement, as his eyebrows raised and his mouth opened slightly. She locked her eyes on his.

"This can kill you" she said. It wasn't a question.

"It hasn't yet" Cullen replied, a little breathless. "But I will not put the Inquisition at risk. I've asked Cassandra to... watch me. If my ability to lead is compromised, I will be relieved from duty".

That shocked Gabby. _Relieved from duty?_ She couldn't imagine the Inquisition without Cullen. She looked over the dark circles under his eyes and remembered the moment earlier that day when she thought about how tired he looked. "Are you in pain?" she asked.

"I can endure it" he said simply.

Gabby had a hard time wrapping her head around what Cullen had just told her. Something about his confession struck a nerve, too, though she didn't know exactly what it was and why. She shrugged the feeling off and looked at him again.

"I think it's incredibly brave" she said in a soft voice.

It seemed like he didn't know how to respond for a moment, so they just sat there looking at each other. He inhaled deeply before he spoke again. "Thank you... for listening".

Gabby shook her head. "Of course. I know we don't speak that often and haven't known each other that long, but we've been through so much together already... all of us have. You can always come to me if anything is bothering you". She internally kicked herself - _something bothering_ seemed to seriously understate what he was going through. He seemed to appreciate it though, because he smiled and nodded at her.

He then stood up. "I will leave you to your dinner before it gets cold" he said.

"You can stay if you like? You've brought enough food for two people" Gabby said, but Cullen shook his head.

"I still have a lot of work to do"

"Maybe you could come to the tavern for a drink later? I'm meeting Bull. We're celebrating our dragon-slaying adventure" Gabby tried.

Cullen chuckled. "That sounds like something you and Bull should do together. Maybe some other time. Good night, Inquisitor".

Gabby nodded, hardly able to hide her disappointment at watching him leave. Still, this felt like a small victory - she was now one step closer to figuring out this handsome enigma of a man.

* * *

"To killing a high dragon like warriors of legend!" Bull exclaimed, "Drink!". Gabby took a sip of whatever was in her cup, and the next second felt like her oesophagus was on fire. She coughed and grabbed her throat, and Bull laughed in response. "I know, right? puts some chest on your chest!" he bellowed.

Bull sighed contentedly. "That little gurgle right before it spat fire... and that roar! What I wouldn't give to roar like that. The way the ground shook when it landed, the smell of the fires burning... Taarsidath-an halsaam".

"Maker's breath, Bull, you should start writing poetry about this" Gabby laughed. "And what was that last thing you just said?"

"Taarsidath-an halsaam? Closest translation would be... _I will bring myself sexual pleasure later, while thinking about this with great respect"._

Gabby laughed loudly at this. "You really are something, Bull" she said.

"You know Qunari hold dragons sacred? Well, as much as we hold anything sacred" Bull said. He refilled Gabby's cup. "Here, your turn!"

Gabby inhaled deeply before putting the cup to her mouth again and taking a drink. The liquid still burned her throat, and made her cough, but it wasn't as bad as the first time.

"Yes, the second cup's easier. Most of the nerves in your throat are dead after the first one" Bull said with a small shrug. He seemed a little impressed by her, though.

Gabby chuckled, wiped away the tears that formed in the corners of her eyes and cleared her throat.

"Ataashi. The glorious ones" Bull said. "That's our word for them. Ataaaaasheee. You know, a few of the Ben-Hassrath have this crazy old theory. See, the Tamassrans control who we mate with. They breed us for jobs like you breed dogs, or horses. What if they mixed in some dragon a long time ago? Maybe drinking the blood, maybe magic? I don't know... But something in that dragon we killed... _spoke to me_ ".

"Shit, Bull, you make me feel bad for killing it" Gabby said with a small grin.

Bull shrugged again. "Nah. One of Tevinter's gods, maybe. They worshipped dragons, right? Kill the shit out of them all you like. Dragons are the embodiment of raw power. But it's all uncontrolled, savage. So they need to be destroyed. Taming the wild. Order out of chaos" he chuckled and filled Gabby's cup again "Have another drink".

Whatever the stuff was, it worked fast. Gabby already felt drunk, but it was nice. The edges of her vision were a little blurred, and she felt overconfident. So she raised the cup to Bull, put it to her lips and drained it in one go. She put the cup down, squeezed her eyes shut until the pain was gone, burped loudly and then grinned at Bull. Bull barked out a laugh and raised his own cup.

"Nicee! To dragons!" he said, drained it just like she had, and then coughed.

Gabby refilled her own cup. "To the Iron Bull!" she slurred.

"And his ass-kicking Inquisitor" Bull added, winking at Gabby.

"What was the phrase? Taarsidath-an halsaam?" Gabby said with a wicked grin, which made Bull laugh again.

"Taarsidath-an halsaam!" he repeated, and they both drank again. When they'd both caught their breath, he turned back to Gabby. "You know, if we're both gonna sexually pleasure ourselves later anyway, then you might as well take me up on the offer I made in Haven, if you know what I'm talking about".

Gabby knew what he was talking about. The night after she'd closed the breach, when he'd offered his... _services_ to her, and she'd responded by saying _I'm not sure if you could handle it_. She was feeling pleasantly numb at the moment, and the thought of finding Blackwall after this had already crossed her mind.. Bull seemed more exciting now though, especially going on the rumours she'd heard about him. She grinned at him. 

"Why not?"

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just an explanation on why Cullen's confession struck a nerve in Gabby, because looking back now I realised I never explained that - he chose to quit Lyrium, resulting in him being confronted by his darkest memories. Gabby knew this, because she read so much about it. She, on the other hand, does nothing but push old memories and pains away, and pretend they don't exist.   
> They always catch up to her, though, as you'll find out later. 
> 
> I hope you're enjoying this!


	9. Euphoria - Games

Bonny Sims was relentless the next day. She was at Gabby's door at noon, as promised, with arms full of fabrics. Before Gabby knew it, she was put on a stool again. Her head pounded. She'd hardly had any sleep either. Her night with Bull had been... exciting, interesting, but taxing as well. She was sore in places where she didn't know she could be sore, and she had bite and scratch marks all over her body. Bonny did stare at some of those spots a little too long sometimes, but she didn't say anything. _Thank the Maker._ Gabby was also sure her breath smelled like a brewery, so she kept her mouth shut, which Bonny was fine with.

Gabby smiled. It had been a _fantastic_ night though. The Iron Bull had bent her over her desk as soon as they'd entered her chambers, ripped her clothes, and slammed into her before she even realised what was going on. His manhood was _really_ big, too, and Bull kept her right on the border between pain and pleasure. He did so the rest of the night as well. He'd bound her to the bed, something she'd never experienced before, but it was exhilarating. He'd bound her hands to her feet. He'd pushed her into different positions, each one delivering more pleasure and more pain than the one before. He'd bitten both of her nipples so hard that they were now still sore, but he'd done it one of the times she was screaming out in ecstasy, so that only intensified the sensation. One of the times, yes, because Bull had made her come several times last night, more intensely than she'd ever come, with his hands, his mouth, his cock, even some random items he found lying around in her chambers. He'd entered her every entrance, and he'd made her beg for more every time.

"Turn" Bonny said, and Gabby winced. She turned and mentally tried to cool down the fire that had been building up between her legs while thinking of her night with Bull.

Someone knocked on her door. _Oh please let it be Cullen again with some excuse_ , Gabby thought. But it was Jenna.

"I have a message for you from your father, Gabriela" the girl said, and then eyed the dress Gabby was wearing. "Ooh, that's so _pretty!"._

"You think?" Gabby asked, and looked at herself in the mirror that Bonny's help was holding. It _was_ really pretty. The green fabric brought out the green in her eyes, and this dress didn't have quite as many frills as the other ones had. She let her hands slide over the silk, which felt pleasantly soft. "I like it" she said with a smile, and Bonny sighed in relief.

"I have your measurements. It will be ready in three days, Inquisitor" the Orlesian woman said. She helped Gabby get out of the dress, gathered her stuff and left.

Jenna was still waiting with the message for Gabby. While Gabby accepted the scroll from the girl, she looked at her. "Jenna?"

Jenna looked up. "Yes, my lady? Gabriela?"

"You asked if I could join you and Dennis for dinner some time. Would tonight be alright for the two of you?"

Jenna beamed at Gabby and nodded frantically. "That would be fantastic! I will go tell him immediately after I leave here".

Gabby chuckled. "Go tell him. I don't think I'll reply to this immediately".

"Yes, my lady!" and Jenna was off.

Gabby sat down at her desk and had a small flashback to last night again. She shook her head and pushed the image away. It seemed wrong to be thinking about such things while opening a letter from her father. It was a short one.

_Dear Gabriela,_

_Stories of your heroic deeds have reached us here, and your mother and I couldn't be prouder. We will, of course, come to Skyhold for the banquet, as will your brothers. We are all looking forward to seeing you again._

_Please be careful, though, because we worry about you as always._

_Yours sincerely,_

_Bann Robert Trevelyan_

Gabby put down the parchment and rested her chin in her hands. She wasn't sure how to feel about the message. She was excited at the thought of seeing her family again, though she dreaded whatever Matt would say. The last sentence, _we worry about you as always_ , irritated her as well. Was it so hard to imagine that Gabby had found her true calling? Were they so convinced she would mess up?

 _I am the Herald of Andraste,_ she thought to herself, the words she often told herself these days when she was upset.  _Andraste protects me, shows me what to do, where to go. I am a hero. It matters not what other people think._

* * *

 Gabby stepped into the garden, stopping for a moment to breathe in the scent that came from the flowers around her. She was still amazed that they could have a garden like this, this high up in the mountains. She'd gone to the stables first after reading her father's letter, to find Blackwall. She hadn't really spoken to him since their night together, and she was getting a little impatient. But of course he was nowhere to be found, which was the case very often lately. And whenever he was there, he'd be too busy with something to have a meaningful conversation with her.

After she hadn't found him in the stables, she wandered through Skyhold, talking to people she passed, and _Maker,_ was she bored. She wanted, _needed_ to do something. She ended up in the gardens, and now decided that she should really come here more often. She could take up gardening! She did love plants. She could plant some elfroot here, so she wouldn't have to look for it anymore during her quest. In all honesty, though, she hardly did that anymore anyway lately, since she often just sent people to the Hinterlands to gather herbs for her. But if she planted herbs in the garden here, then she wouldn't have to do that anymore. The garden would need some enhancements, though, and that would require some funds. She'd have to talk to Josephine about that.

In her enthusiasm, Gabby almost dropped to her knees to start digging in the earth already, when a familiar voice sounded.

"Gloat all you like, I have this one" it was Cullen. Gabby turned around to see the commander and Dorian play chess. It made her giggle. Chess! It was so... _normal._ She walked over to where they were sitting.

"Are you _sassing_ me, Commander? I didn't know you had it in you" Dorian replied.

Cullen sighed. "Why do I even -" his eyes fell on Gabby then, and he dropped the chess piece he was holding and got up from his chair immediately. "Inquisitor!"

Dorian chuckled. "Leaving, are you? does this mean I win?"

Gabby crossed her arms in front of her chest. "Are you two gentlemen playing nice?"

Dorian snorted. "I'm _always_ nice" he said, and Cullen sat down again, more relaxed. "You need to come to terms with my inevitable victory, commander. You'll feel much better" Dorian said.

The scarred side of Cullens mouth raised in a smile. It made Gabby's heart skip a beat. "Really?" he said smugly, "Because I just won. And I feel _fine"._ Gabby silently cheered for her commander. It was just so nice to see him have fun, to see him relax.

"Don't get smug" Dorian said in a bored voice. "There'll be no living with you". He got up and walked away.

Cullen looked up at Gabby, still smiling. "I should return to my duties as well. Unless.. you would care for a game?".

Gabby's heart jumped again and she sat down immediately. "Of course! Pepare the board then, commander. I'm afraid I'm not very good at this, though. I never played much chess in my life".

Cullen started putting all the pieces back. "As a child, I'd play this with my sister. She'd get this stuck-up grin whenever she won, which was _all the time._ My brother and I practised together for weeks. The look on her face the day I finally won... Between serving the templars and the Inquisition, I haven't seen them in years. I wonder if she still plays."

Gabby looked at Cullen with amazement. The man sitting across from her was so much different than the Commander she knew. He spoke of his family fondly, with a smile on his face, and that hit a nerve somewhere, but it also warmed her to see him like that. "You have siblings?" she asked, because she wanted to encourage him to share more with her. She wanted to see more of this version of Cullen.

He invited her with his arm to make a first move, and then answered. "Two sisters and a brother".

"Where are they now?" Gabby asked, randomly moving a chess piece. She was much more interested in their conversation than in the game.

"They moved to South Reach after the blight. I do not write them as often as I should". He frowned while looking at the board, and then moved a piece. Then he looked up and their eyes met again, and Gabby's heart immediately responded. _What is it about this man...?_ she wondered to herself.

"And you? How is your family? I remember you saying you have brothers as well?" he asked. He seemed genuinely interested.

"I do. Three older brothers. Jayden is the oldest, and my favourite, though I suppose I shouldn't say that. Alex is the youngest, and he is..." she chuckled, "a little strange. Crazy. But fun. I've had some adventures with him. And then there's Matthew. My relationship with him is... difficult. I don't know how else to say it".

"Difficult?"

"He reminds me of my past failures, and I have more than I like to admit. He doesn't believe in me much either. Even now that I'm-" she wanted to say _the Herald of Andraste,_ or _a hero,_ but that seemed a little arrogant. "-doing good things, he seems preoccupied with the idea that I will fail".

Cullen frowned. "He doesn't know you, not after everything you've been through here" he simply said.

Gabby nodded. "I know, and that's what I tell myself. But it still bothers me".

"I can imagine" Cullen said, reaching over the table to put his hand on Gabby's, the way she had with him the night before. She felt goose bumps rise on her arm in response again. His golden eyes were fixed on hers, and it felt as though he was looking straight into her soul. It was not a place she wanted him to look. All of the sudden it made her very self conscious, and uncomfortable, and she pulled her hand back a little too fast. If Cullen minded, he did not show it.

"Anyway," Gabby said after clearing her throat, "I've invited them to the banquet, so you'll meet them then. Maybe you could invite your family as well?"

Cullen smiled. "That sounds nice. I will think about it" he said. His voice sounded a little more professional than before, and Gabby immediately regretted responding the way she did. She lowered her eyes and moved another chess piece, and they played in silence for a while. She kept her gaze low, afraid to make eye contact with him again, for the way her body seemed to respond to it.

When Cullen spoke again, she automatically raised her eyes again though, and she saw him leaning back in his seat, completely relaxed. "This may be the longest we've gone without discussing the inquisition, or related matters. To be honest, I appreciate the distraction" he said. Something about the way he said his last sentence, and the expression on his face when he said it, made her blush.

"We should spend more time together" she blurted out, without thinking. It was what she felt, though. A big part of her wanted more of this, to spend more time with him, to get to know him better. Another, smaller part of her, though, warned her to stay away from him, for whatever reason. She wilfully ignored the last part. Cullen smiled at her again, her heart jumped again.

"I would like that" he said, his voice like velvet.

 _Oh Maker,_ Gabby thought to herself, _what are you getting yourself into this time, Trevelyan?_

She looked down at the board so he wouldn't see her blush and made another move.

Cullen leaned forward, moved one of his own pieces, and said "It looks like this one is mine".

Even though Gabby knew she wasn't very good at chess, it irritated her a little. She squared her shoulders. "Well, I haven't played this as much as you, commander. Maybe next time will go better for me" she said with a wink.

Cullen chuckled. "Maybe it will" he said.

Gabby spent the next few days and nights, aside from the few hours she actually slept, buried in books about chess. She learned everything she could about techniques and tactics. She'd already forgotten all about her plan to fix up the garden, since now she was obsessed with her plan to win the next time she'd play chess with Cullen.

When she wasn't reading, she would fantasise about her night with Blackwall, sometimes about the Iron Bull, and sometimes at night, while pleasing herself, the face in her fantasies changed, the hair turning golden, the eyes turning amber. 


	10. Euphoria - Shift

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoopwhoop, three chapters in one go!  
> Lots of craziness in this one. A few things that were not easy to write for me. Feel free to shake your head in disapproval at Gabby's actions, that's what I did a few times while writing it.  
> Other than that.. enjoy!

_Dear father,_

_I am overjoyed at the thought of seeing all of you again in just a few weeks. I will make sure that the best rooms that we have available in Skyhold are prepared for your arrival._

_I wish you wouldn't worry, though. I'm doing good. I know I've always said I don't believe in the Maker, and how much that always bothered you and mother, but now I believe I was wrong. I'm now sure it was Divine intervention that kept me from getting killed all those times I normally would have been, and Andraste will keep me safe in the future as well. That thought should be comforting to you as well._

_I will not be able to write any messages in the coming weeks, since we've been invited to Empress Celene's great ball in Halamshiral. By the time we return, you will be on your way to Skyhold. So I wish you safe travels, and I will await your arrival._

_Sincerely yours,_

_Gabriela_

* * *

 

"How is Dennis?" Gabby asked while handing her letter to Jenna.

"He's great! He loved that you had dinner with us the other night" Jenna responded with a smile.

"I really enjoyed it. He's gotten so much bigger than when I saw him last" Gabby said.

"Yes, well, he knows how to find his way to the kitchen on his own, now" Jenna said, laughing. Gabby laughed with her. "I'll have this sent immediately" Jenna said then, and Gabby nodded to dismiss her.

When the girl was gone, Gabby immediately got up too. It was the day before they would leave for Halamshiral, and she still hadn't spoken to Blackwall. She wanted to do that before they left, since Blackwall wasn't coming. He hadn't seemed very enthusiastic about coming, and he wasn't the best candidate either. Josephine had repeated many times to Gabby how important it was to win the court's approval, so she thought it might be best to take people who knew how to behave themselves in noble company. She'd decided to bring Vivienne, Dorian and Cassandra. That meant she wouldn't see Blackwall for the next weeks, though, so today she would talk to him.

She saw from a distance that he was at the stables, and she immediately felt butterflies in her stomach. She hurried over to him, and when she passed Bonny Sim's stand, he turned around and their eyes met. The butterflies fluttered a little faster. He turned around and went inside the stables, and she followed him.

“There he is,” She said, smiling, “my favourite Warden. How are you today?”

Blackwall turned around at hearing her voice and smiled at her. “Good, Inquisitor” he said, “how are you?"

Gabby loved hearing his voice again, that deep, rough voice. She had missed hearing it. She stepped closer to him, smiling. "I'm good. Running into you always makes me feel good".

Blackwall chuckled deeply. "Running into me? It looked like you were looking for me".

Gabby giggled. "Well, maybe I was. Maybe I just wanted to see how you are doing".

Blackwall frowned. “I can’t complain. I’m part of an organisation that does a lot of good for this world. I would ask for nothing more”.

Gabby sighed dramatically. “You don’t talk about yourself easily, do you? I’d like to get to know you better, Blackwall” she said.

Understanding now crept behind Blackwall’s eyes. “Maybe… we should speak elsewhere” he said in his deep voice. Gabby’s heart jumped a little at the possible hidden meaning behind those words.

“Of course!” she said eagerly, hooking her arm through his. “Lead the way”.

They walked through the courtyard, up the stairs and onto the battlements. Gabby was already picturing Blackwall dragging her into one of the abandoned towers and roughly pushing her against the wall to fuck her. The fantasy was enough to get her heart racing, the butterflies in her stomach now feeling more like a hurricane. But Blackwall stopped on the middle of the battlements, unhooking his arm from hers and leaned on the stones to look over the mountains.

“So,” Gabby said, a seductive smile spreading on her lips as she stepped closer to Blackwall. She softly put her hand on his chest. “You wanted to talk?”

“Yes,” Blackwall said, his voice grave.

Gabby recognised the unmistakable tone of his voice, and her mind raced ahead to the rejection she knew was coming.

Her mood shifted instantly.

Now that she knew he would deny her, she suddenly felt like this was a colossal waste of her time. She frowned at the bearded Warden and pulled her hand back as if his armour had burned it.

“You are a remarkable woman,” he continued, and she gritted her teeth as she heard him soften his rejection with compliments, “and I am fond of you, it's true, but we can't let this go any further, this - whatever you want this to be - is impossible”.

His slow, mumbling way of talking suddenly annoyed her, and that irritation crawled over her skin like ants. She curled her hands into fists. “Is this _really_ what you wanted to say to me?” she said in an icy cold voice.

He seemed taken aback by her sudden change in attitude. He opened his mouth and closed it again, seemingly lost for words for a moment. “You're the Inquisitor, the Herald of Andraste. Even now there are people flocking to your banner, ready to serve... to die. We must remain focused on the task at hand. I wish it were simple, believe me I do, but it's not. We're both bound by duty. Our lives aren't ours to live".

Gabby had heard enough. She waved at him dismissively and threw a contemptuous look at him before turning her back and marching away. “You’re deluded, Blackwall!” she hissed over her shoulder. She heard him call out to her behind her, but she ignored it.

She shook her head and flexed her hands while walking over the battlements, her mind seething. _Idiot,_ she thought, her mind rushing over the flirtations they had shared, the night she spent with him, over and over again, in an unstoppable loop. _If he didn’t want it, he shouldn’t have led me on._ Her skin was still crawling, and she stopped for a moment to punch the brick wall of the tower that stood in front of her. She gritted her teeth again, holding back her scream of frustration. Her whole body shook with the effort.

Her route over the battlements somehow led her to the Commander’s office, and she opened the door without thinking. Cullen stood behind his desk, both hands leaning on it while he was reading through some reports. His eyes found hers as she stepped inside his office, and he smiled his beautiful crooked smile at her. Gabby’s heart jumped as it always did in response to him. _Why have I been wasting my time with that frustrating man when this amazing, good, sweet, handsome man has been in front of me the whole time?_ She suddenly thought to herself, her anger replaced by a calm determination.

“Inquisitor?” Cullen said inquiringly, and raised an eyebrow when she stepped closer to him and a wicked smile spread on her lips. She’d already almost forgotten about her awkward little encounter with Blackwall, and her aim was on a new prize now. Without saying a word, she pressed herself against him, sliding her hands around his neck and kissed him. She felt his surprise as she stumbled back a little and threw his arms up. But his surprise did not last longer than a moment, and he lowered his arms to wrap them around her waist and return the kiss passionately. Heat surged through her body, flushed her face, and she sucked on his lower lip softly. He pulled back then, and her face tried to follow him, to catch his lips again. The look in his eyes stopped her, and she drowned in them for a moment.

His amber eyes looked at her with a mixture of pleasure, confusion, lust and amusement. “What was that for?” he said in a low, husky voice, smiling.

She smiled back at him. “I just realised what a fool I have been, for not doing this ages ago” she said.

He chuckled. “Well, I am a patient man. And I am glad you finally decided to do it”, he said before lowering his lips to hers again.

His kiss was soft at first, but Gabby pressed her mouth against his to deepen it. She was instantly aroused, and the only thing she could think of was dragging Cullen up the ladder to have him claim her, hard and rough. He felt the tension too, she noticed, as the growing bulge between his legs betrayed him. Her hand lowered between them, and cupped his manhood over his breeches. He gasped in surprise, and pulled away instantly, grabbing her hand.

“Gabriela!” he exclaimed, his eyes wide. She tried to press herself against him again, but his strong hands stopped her. “Not like this,” he said softly, “Believe me, I would love nothing more than to take you to my bed, but it would feel wrong for us to do it in this manner. There’s no need to hurry this”. His lips pressed softly against her forehead, and she grunted in frustration as it felt like he was belittling her.

 _What is it with the men in this place?_ She thought. She shrugged and retreated in a huff, trudging away disappointed, but when she looked back and saw the glint in his eyes and the wide loving smile on his lips, her heart responded again and she couldn’t help but grin back. In that moment, she knew she was falling in love.

Gabby skipped away from Cullen's office feeling as giddy as a child. She wanted to tell someone, anyone, about what had just happened. Her route to her chambers led her through Solas' rotunda, but the elf was not exactly the type she'd share things like this with. He raised an eyebrow at her while she raced by, just saying "Inquisitor". She flew up the stairs behind him, running up until she ran into Dorian.

“Dorian! Guess what?” she said in a cheerful voice, coming to a stop in front of him.

“What now? Have you found yourself a new victim?” Dorian said, sounding bored.

“Hey!” Gabby laughed, slapping him across the chest.

Dorian shrugged. “Well? Out with it? Unless you want to tell me about your little dalliance with Bull, because I already know”.

Gabby raised an eyebrow and nudged him with her elbow. “What’s this? Do I detect some jealousy in your voice, Dorian?”

Dorian snorted. “That is preposterous” he said.

Gabby grinned. “Well, don’t worry about that. We were just drunk, and it was a one-time thing. Besides, I have someone else to think about now”.

“Well, who is it this time, then? Is it our strapping blond commander?”

Gabby’s jaw dropped. “What? How did you-“

Dorian rolled his eyes. “Please, give me some credit. The way he’s been eyeing you like some prize to be won? It was bound to happen at some point. Which now, I suppose, did?”

“…he has?” Gabby said, surprised.

“Come now, dear, you’re so perceptive sometimes and yet so blind. Our commander is obviously smitten with you”.

Gabby’s heart jumped a little. Could that really be true? And if so, how did she never really notice it?

Dorian sighed and put his hand on her shoulder. “It’s a good thing your friends are so discreet, if the poor man knew what a harlot you are, he would never think of you the same”

“Oh!” Gabby slapped him on the chest again, harder this time, slightly affronted by his words. “You’re _such_ a horrible man sometimes”

“Ah, yes, but you love me anyway”.

* * *

That night, Gabby lay awake again, thinking about what Dorian had said, replaying the kiss over and over again. She fantasised about what could have happened if he hadn't stopped her, about what would happen te next time they'd be alone together.

 _Our commander is obviously smitten with you,_ Dorian said. And Cullen had said _I'm a patient man, I'm glad you finally decided to do it._ How could she have been so blind? And stupid? He was so handsome, too, much more than Blackwall. Those eyes were incredible, that scar on his lip, that _body_... she'd never seen him without his armour but she could imagine what he looked like underneath it. _Maker._ And he was so gentle, too, kind. And mysterious. She'd been intrigued with him from the start. He was a man with a past, which only meant they were perfect together, because she had a past, too. He would not reject her for the things she'd done.

She replayed the kiss again in her mind. She really wanted to just go to his office, she knew he would be sleeping now. She could undress and crawl into bed with him. He would not be able to resist her then, she knew it. But no, that would be too much. But it would be really great, so much better than lying in bed alone going crazy. She thought of his hands traveling down her body. The skin of his hands must be rough, from wielding a sword and shield all these years. She wondered how he wielded his  _sword..._ Maybe she should just go and see if he's sleeping...

She shook her head, no, it would definitely be too much.

_Wouldn't it?_


	11. Euphoria - Dance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter, but more craziness in this one, people.   
> Enjoy!

The road to Halamshiral was long, far too long for Gabriela. She was impatient, she wanted to get it over with. Every night she would push her people to go on a bit longer longer, every morning she would be rallying them to leave as early as possible. She noticed the annoyed sighs and looks, and ignored them. They were just lazy, and she didn’t tolerate laziness.

It also didn’t help that there were no opportunities to spend some time with the Commander. That night before their departure she’d considered visiting him in his office, and now she regretted that she’d decided against it. Every evening after dinner she threw longing looks at him, hoping she could get him to sneak away with her for just a few moments, but he was always working, always consulting with Leliana and Josephine or his recruits. The only real evidence she had that their kiss had actually happened and had meant something to him, were the looks he cast at her sometimes, warm eyes accompanied with that smile of his she loved so much. One time, even, he had let his hand graze her back ever so slightly when he passed her, but when she’d turned around he had been buried in a report.

There was little else on her mind these days than her Commander. She knew there were important things up ahead, but she swatted thoughts of those things away like annoying flies. She’d deal with them when necessary, it would be fine anyway. She did have divine support, after all.

She was almost happy when she felt a rift nearby at a certain point. She was glad to have something to do, some excitement finally. She ran towards the rift like she was afraid it would disappear if she wasn’t fast enough. Like many times in the last weeks, her people were left behind looking stunned at seeing their Inquisitor run away like some madwoman.

She killed the demons that appeared easily enough, moving around as if she was merely dancing. She grinned when she noticed Cullen fighting alongside her, very close. It somehow felt to her like they were connected in that moment. She hardly noticed all the others that were around them, fighting as well.

When they finally reached Halamshiral, Gabby almost cheered. Now she just needed to get the grand ball over with, and they could return to Skyhold. Some elven servants welcomed them and escorted all of them to their separate rooms in the guest wing of the summer palace. Gabby kept an eye on Cullen, to make a mental notice of which room was his, but to her disappointment he was led around the corner of the corridor they were in. She wanted nothing more than to go look for him after she’d bathed, but Bonny Sims was in front of her door almost immediately to help her with the dress and her hair.

When Bonny was finished, it was already time for her to meet the others in the Palace garden. Gabby looked in the mirror that was hanging on the wall, and was pleased by what she saw. The dress was lovely and her hair was curled up into a perfect bun with just a few loose strands of hair around her face. She felt like… a goddess, as Blackwall once had put it. She shook her head. It was not a name she wanted to think about now.  

* * *

 

She was going crazy. These people were so… infuriating. This whole Game thing annoyed her to no end. She was a prodigy, a _hero,_ and yet these people treated her like she was just a commoner. If they only knew who, no, _what_ she was, the things she could do, had already done… they would not whisper behind her back, or look at her and laugh silently but just loud enough for her to hear. They were idiots, so used to their stupid, comfortable lives, they had no idea what the Inquisition was dealing with outside their bubble.

Gabby balled her hands into fists. _Just a few more hours, and then it’s over_ , she thought. It didn’t make her desire to beat everybody in this room to a bloody pulp get any weaker.

She'd found out a few scandalous secrets about Celene, Briala and Gaspard, but it all seemed so insignificant. Who cares if the Empress was fucking her Elven ambassador. Let that woman do whatever she wants. Morrigan was the only interesting person Gabby had met tonight, and she had actually helped Gabby. Her little expedition to the servant's quarter had been a relief, too - away from these people, fighting the Venatori... but Josephine had warned her that if she stayed away from the ball too long, it would not exactly earn her approval from the court. As if she cared about these people approving of her. They were pathetic.

The one true moment of light in this evening had been right before they'd all been announced. Gabby and her advisors and companions had waited to be called, and Cullen had stood next to her. "You are _beautiful_ " he'd whispered, for only her to hear, and everything around them had disappeared for moment.

That's it. _Cullen._ Gabby's eyes started frantically scanning the crowd for her Commander, for the one person in this room that she didn't feel like suffocating right now. Her eyes fell on him across the ballroom, and her anger flared up a little bit more. He was surrounded by a bunch of those _vultures,_ looking horribly uncomfortable. He obviously needed to be rescued, she thought. She grinned while marching over to him.

“Are you married, Commander?” she heard one of them ask as she came closer. She didn’t wait for him to answer.

“Excuse me, ladies, sir” she said, purposely bumping her shoulder into the masked snake that had cornered her poor Commander with that question. “I need to borrow him for a moment”. She took his hand in hers and started marching away, pulling him along, hardly registering the shocked look on Cullen’s face.

“How incredibly impolite” she heard the woman say behind them, and she snorted.

“Gabriela…” Cullen said softly, but she didn’t listen. She needed him for herself, she needed a moment with him, _now._

She pulled him onto one of the balconies, then turned around and pushed him behind the open door so they were hidden from view. She pressed herself against him and felt him shudder slightly underneath her. She threw a wicked grin at him before saying “finally…” and claiming his mouth with hers. 

Her hands circled around his neck, the length of her body pressed against his as much as she could. If this was the only physical contact she could get with him on this night, she would make the most of it. His hands seemed hesitant on her waist, so she deepened the kiss to elicit more of a response from him. Her tongue entered his mouth, desperately tasting as much of him as she could. He broke free for a moment, gasping.

“Gabriela, what are you…” he breathed, but she pulled him in for another kiss. She wanted, no, _needed_ him right now, and that need only grew the longer they were locked in this embrace.

His hands on her waist increased their pressure then, but to her chagrin they pushed her away from him rather than pulling her closer. Their lips separated, and she frowned at him.

“Gabriela… as much as I enjoy this… we can't do this. We must remain focused on the task at hand” Cullen said in a low voice.

 _Blackwall said the exact same thing,_ Gabriela realised with shock.

“Have you been talking with Blackwall?” she asked, stepped back, away from him.

Cullen looked at her in surprise. “Blackwall? No! Why would you…”

 _He’s lying,_ Gabriela thought. _Are they working together somehow, to push me in some kind of direction? To make a fool out of me?_

Cullen saw the change in her expression, and his brow furrowed. He reached for her cheek with his hand. “Gabriela? Are you alright?” he asked worried.

Gabriela slapped his hand away and stepped back once more. She would not allow him to see her weaken. “You’re right” she said, “I should focus on the task at hand. I mustn’t get distracted. Thank you for pointing that out to me, Commander. Now, if you’ll excuse me...”

“Gabriela…” Cullen said, his voice heavy.

She turned her back to him and returned to the ballroom. She would not let that man get to her. She was better than that, stronger than that. She was the Herald of Andraste, the Hero of Thedas. And if it was true that Cullen and Blackwall and whoever else were conspiring against her, that was all the more reason to prove to them she was not someone to be dealt with easily.

* * *

Gabriela leaned on the balustrade of the balcony she stood on. She was glad the night was finally over. In the garden below her, she saw some servants clearing the mess that had been left after Gabby had chased Florianne and then fought her. The grand duchess was now locked up, Gaspard was locked up, and Celene had declared an alliance with the Inquisition. All in all, a success.

She'd just finished her conversation with Morrigan, how she would now be joining the Inquisition. Gabby had been glad to hear it, because she had a feeling the witch had a lot to offer in terms of knowledge and strength. Gabby kind of liked her as well, though she didn't quite know why. Morrigan had just left, and now she was standing alone. She breathed in deeply, but missed the cold air she had gotten so used to in Skyhold.

“There you are” Cullen’s voice sounded from behind, and she groaned in frustration silently.

“Here I am” she murmured.

“Everybody’s been looking for you” he said, standing next to her and leaning on the balustrade as well.

Gabby avoided his gaze. She hadn’t forgotten about his earlier words, though after the other events of the night, she was just not in the mood to think about it, or deal with it right now.

“I know it’s foolish, but I worried for you” he said softly.

Gabby’s heart jumped a little. _He worried for me?_ She turned her head to look at him now, and all she saw in his eyes was kindness, sincerity. A pang of guilt hit her. Maybe she shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions so quickly.

“I’m alright” she said, “It was just a long night”.

"It was" he said. He was quiet for a moment, and then he cleared his throat. "Gabriela, I'm... I apologise if I said something to upset you earlier. I didn't mean to -"

"Cullen, it's fine" Gabby said with a sigh, interrupting him. "I was just a little on edge. This is not my crowd, is all".

He chuckled softly. "Not mine, either. I'm glad the night is over".

The corner of his mouth raised up slightly. “I might not get this opportunity again, so I must ask…” he said, and stepped back. Gabby followed his movements with interest and her eyes widened when he lowered himself into a half bow and extended his hand towards her.

“Could I have this dance, my lady?” he asked.

Gabby’s insides were instantly on fire, her heart started racing. Suddenly, he was overwhelmingly handsome again, the perfect man, and she felt like a fool for ever thinking otherwise. She eagerly took his hand.

“Of course” she said with a wide smile. “I thought you didn’t dance?”

“For you,” he said with a smile, “I’ll try”.

And so they danced. And Gabby’s heart danced along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's okay to think Gabby is kind of a dick at this point, because she kind of is.   
> But... things change. And change is imminent.


	12. Euphoria - Topple

_Dear Gabriela,_

_We look forward to seeing you as well. You sounded very confident and happy in your last latter, and that gladdens me. Just please don’t push yourself too much, even if it’s for our sakes instead of yours. Because whatever you say, your mother and I always worry about you. You are our only daughter, and you are in danger every day._

_We will see you in just a few weeks. Stay safe until then._

_We love you,_

_Bann Robert Trevelyan_

* * *

 

The trip back to Skyhold had been just as frustrating for Gabriela as the one to Halamshiral. They had progressed slowly again, and she couldn’t wait to get back to Skyhold. Cullen still had little time for her, and even after they did return to Skyhold that didn’t change. Reports from scouts all over Orlais and Ferelden were flooding in, and the Commander hardly had time to eat or sleep, let alone time for her. Aside from a few stolen kisses on the battlements, when she finally managed to drag him away from work for a few minutes, they never had any time alone.

It was because the banquet was coming up, that Gabby didn’t want to leave now. After the banquet she’d have to leave as soon as possible. They were still waiting for word from Alistair, but with all these reports about new rifts and scouts disappearing and such, there was plenty of work to do for her and her friends. She looked forward to getting to work again, to some excitement.

The weeks leading up to the banquet she was incredibly bored. She spent most nights in the Tavern with Bull, Cassandra, Varric, Sera and Dorian. She hadn’t spoken to Blackwall since that day on the battlements, and she had no wish to. She visited Vivienne sometimes, but the Enchantress was much too serious for her liking. Gabby had always liked her conversations with Solas, but the elf had grown cold and distant toward her lately, and she didn’t feel like dealing with that.

She would bring Cullen dinner at night, to make sure he did eat, because she’d noticed that the circles under his eyes were getting darker each day. She would stay in his office until he finished the meal. Though he seemed to appreciate the effort, she always had a feeling that he would have rather focused on his work. And when at first she thought it might be a perfect opportunity to have some alone time, she found out soon enough that they could never escape the constant stream of messengers entering his office.

Three days before the banquet, a messenger came to tell Gabby that travellers were approaching Skyhold. It was her family, she knew, and she rushed to the gates to welcome them. To her surprise, Cullen was there as well.

“Inquisitor” he said as a formal greeting, but with a smile.

“Commander” she replied playfully. “What are you doing here if I might ask? Aren’t you supposed to be locked in your tower?”

“There are important guests arriving. It would not be very courteous of me to not show my face. I should make a good impression on my lady’s family, shouldn’t I?” There was a glint in his eyes as he said this, and Gabby’s heart responded to him calling her _my lady._

Her mother and father rode through the gates first, and Gabby’s heart warmed from seeing their faces. She realised now how long it had been since she’d last seen them. Her father looked older than he did in her memory, but her mother looked beautiful as ever. Next came Jayden, then Matthew, and then Alex. Behind them rode Rosaline, the family’s servant who Gabby had known her whole life, and a man that she didn’t know, in full armour.

Gabby waited impatiently until their horses had been taken away and then rushed to her parents. She threw her arms around her father’s neck and he hugged her tightly.

“Gabriela…” Robert Trevelyan said in a warm voice. He ended the embrace to step back and look at her. “You look well” he said, sounding pleased, a little surprised even.

Gabriela smiled widely. “Well, I have a few new scars here and there, but I survived until now” she said with pride. She turned her head to look at her mother.

Marielle Trevelyan stepped closer to her and hugged her daughter, not as enthusiastically as her husband had, but it was a hug nonetheless. Gabby had never known her mother to be a hugger. “Darling” her mother simply said, and it was enough for Gabby.

“I’ve made sure there is a hot bath waiting for you in your room” she said, knowing her mother would appreciate nothing more in this moment.

“Oh, wonderful!” her mother said, like Gabby had expected. “The trip was so long, I must look appalling”.

Gabby chuckled. “You always look beautiful mother”.

Her mother smiled. “Thank you, darling. As do you. Though I suppose you must get it from me, then”.

Gabby had no time to respond before the breath was knocked out of her lungs. She laughed as her youngest brother squeezed her against him. “Alex! I can’t… breathe…”.

Her brother released her and looked at her with a wide grin. “Gabby, man I’ve missed you. Ostwick is so boring without you and your crazy debaucheries”.

Gabby blushed a little at that and looked at Jayden, who was standing right behind Alex, waiting his turn. “Jay” she said with a smile, and her oldest brother hugged her as well.

“Sister. I hope you’re behaving yourself?” he said lovingly.

She grinned at him. “Never” she said, and Jay chuckled. She could take remarks like that from him, since she knew he was teasing her. “How is Liz?” she asked.

Jay’s smile widened. “I’m glad you ask, since I have some news. Elizabeth is with child”.

Gabby’s eyes widened. “Oh, Jay! That’s wonderful! You will be a father! I’m so happy for you!”

“Thank you, sister. She would have liked to come with us to see you, but it would not be wise for her to travel so far now. The roads are unsafe these days”

“I understand. When all of this is over, and Corypheus is defeated, I promise I will visit you in Ostwick” Gabby said.

“We would like that” Jay responded.

And then Matthew was there. This was the reunion Gabby had dreaded the most. She smiled tentatively at him. “Hello, Matthew” she said.

He didn’t hug her. “Gabriela” he responded, “You look well”.  

“Thank you. You as well”.

There was an awkward silence then, and Gabby was happy when Cullen cleared his throat and she remembered he was there to meet her family as well.

“Oh, yes!” she said, happy to turn away from Matthew. “Mother, Father, Jay, Alex, Matthew… this is Cullen Rutherford, Commander of the Inquisition". She said it with pride. Her mother raised one eyebrow while looking from Cullen to Gabby and back, and then introduced herself. The rest followed.

Alex of course slapped Cullen on the shoulder and said “so you are the man who has to deal with my little sister every day! I don’t envy you, friend”. He winked at Gabby, and she stuck out her tongue to her brother.

“I’m very honoured to meet you all” Cullen said courteously. “Gabriela always speaks very highly of you”.

When the pleasantries were all done, Gabby had some of her people show her family to their chambers, announcing that she would show them Skyhold after they had all recovered from the journey.

* * *

Gabby was glad to have her family here. She showed them around Skyhold, introduced them to everybody, and they all had dinner in the great hall that night. Jay had silently asked her about her involvement with Cullen, and she’d responded with a grin that it was a work in progress, but that she really liked him.

Jay had smiled. “He certainly seems like a good man. Good for you” he had said, and she knew he meant it.

Her contact with Matthew was strained, as it had always been, but somehow it made her much more uncomfortable here than it ever had at home. He looked at her in a certain way, and it made her feel like there was something bothering him.

She found out exactly what was going on with her brother the next morning. Jenna found Gabby in her chambers, flushed and a little out of breath, and said “the Commander, he wanted me to give you a message”. Gabby frowned. Why would Cullen ask Jenna to deliver a message instead of just a regular messenger?

“What is it?” she asked.

“The Commander, the Ambassador, and um... Leliana are meeting in the war room. He thought you should know”. Jenna said. The girl obviously was a little confused herself.

“Thank you, Jenna” Gabby said. “I’ll go there now”.

She hurried down the stairs and towards the war room. _Why would they have a meeting without informing me? Aren’t I usually the one who summons_ them _to the war room? What is going on?_

When Gabby reached to open the door to the war room, she froze. She recognised Matthew’s voice on the other side. “She can’t be in a position like this, with her illness” she heard her brother say, and her heart sunk. “She is not stable” he continued, and Gabby felt anger creep up inside her.

She stormed through the door, and four pairs of surprised eyes turned towards her. “How dare you?” she spat at her brother. She stepped close to him and to her satisfaction he backed away from her, a hint of fear in his eyes. “You call for a meeting? In _my_ war room, with _my_ advisors? How _dare_ you?!”

“Thank you, Matthew” Leliana said in a calm voice. “Please excuse us”. Matthew nodded, not taking his wary eyes from his sister, and hurried to the door.

Right before he left the war room, he turned around and said “I am doing this for your own well-being, sister. You might not realise that now, but…”

“ _Leave_ , Matthew” Gabby hissed, and her brother left without another word. She turned back towards her advisors, her face twisted into a grimace. “Well?” she demanded.

“Is it true what your brother said?” Josephine said carefully.

“Aren’t you the ones who made me Inquisitor? Because you believed in me? Does it really take the words of one man to undo that?” Gabby spat, her eyes narrowed. Her anger twisted inside of her, and she curled her hands into fists.

“Do you think I am a fool, Inquisitor?” Leliana said in a cold voice, “I knew about your past long before we gave you your title”. Gabby’s eyes widened in surprise, and her hands relaxed.

“What?” she said softly. Leliana nodded calmly.

“I must admit it did worry me a little in the beginning, but you proved yourself to be a worthy leader. And people see you as a hero. You were, and still are, the best person for the job”. Gabby closed her eyes and sighed in relief. “However…” the spymaster continued, and Gabby’s eyes snapped open again. “…you have been behaving erratically, unpredictably lately. Should we be worried?” Leliana still retained her composure, but Gabby recognised in her eyes that the spymaster would analyse every word that would come out of her mouth now, thoroughly. She swallowed.

“No…” Gabby said, her voice small. She didn’t know what else to say. She didn’t even know if it was the truth, she realised suddenly. Panic built up inside her slowly.

Leliana stared at her for a long while, and then nodded slowly. “Good,” she said.

Cullen cut in at this point, having remained silent this whole time. “Excuse me, Leliana, but what is this about? What past? And what illness was Matthew talking about?” his brow was furrowed, his eyes moving between Leliana and Gabby.

“It doesn’t matter, Commander” Leliana said simply.

“If this is a matter of concern to the Inquisition, don’t we deserve to know?” Cullen responded, the disapproval plain in his voice.

“It is not, as the Inquisitor has just promised us. When it comes to whether you deserve to know, it is not my story to tell, but hers” Leliana said. “Now please excuse me, I have work to do”. And the spymaster left the war room.

 _It is not my story to tell, but hers_. Gabby recognised those words. It was the same answer Leliana had given when Gabby had asked her about Cullen. She felt deeply grateful now that Leliana was so adept at keeping secrets.

 _You’re losing it, Trevelyan,_ her treacherous mind whispered, a tiny voice in the back of her mind that she knew so well but hadn’t heard in a while. _Leliana knows, and soon everybody else will, too, when you start making mistakes, which cannot be too long from now. You’ve been behaving erratically, Leliana said. You’re already losing control._

“As long as you’re alright, Inquisitor” Josephine said sweetly, and softly put a hand on Gabby’s arm before following Leliana. Cullen stayed behind, and Gabby could feel his eyes burrowing into her.

“What is going on, Gabriela?” he said softly, almost pleadingly. Gabby breathed in deeply, fighting back the tears.

 _Don’t cry now, Gabby,_ she thought to herself, _not here, not now. Not in front of him._

“Like Leliana said, it doesn’t matter” she said in a shaky voice. Panic was spreading through her veins like poison, and she felt smothered, unable to breathe. _I have to get out of here,_ she thought, so she turned around to flee, but Cullen grabbed her arm.

“Don’t” he said, “Talk to me” and Gabby’s body started shaking while she tried to break his grip on her.

“I have to -” she started to say before gasping for air, “Can’t… breathe…”

Cullen spun her around and put his hands on her face. He looked at her with his eyes full of worry. “Are you ill? Should I call for a healer?”

Gabby shook her head wildly. “No!” she sobbed, “No… please… just let me…” and then she broke. Tears streamed down her cheeks, and she collapsed in his arms, hyperventilating and sobbing. Cullen held her tightly against him, his one arm curled around her waist and stroking her hair with his other hand. Surprisingly, she felt her panic subside quickly in his arms. Were it anybody else holding her, she knew, it would only add to the sensation of not being able to breathe.

When the crying and the trembling had stopped, the inevitable shame washed over her. She pulled back from him, pushing him away a little harder than she’d meant to. He looked at her confused.

“Please forget this happened” she half-whispered, and then turned around and ran from the war room.


	13. Deterioration - Consequences

Gabby went to find her mother and father first. She knocked on the door to their chamber, and her father opened. “Gabriela? What’s wrong?” he asked, obviously seeing the distress in her eyes.

“Did you know?!” she demanded from him while stepping into his chamber.

“Know what?” her father asked, confused. Her mother came to join them.

“My dear, you look positively anguished. What is going on?” she asked.

Gabby inhaled deeply, willing herself to calm down. “Matthew called a meeting with my advisors, and told them I am unfit to be Inquisitor. That I am unstable, ill”.

Her parents exchanged a meaningful look.

“Darling, he’s just worried about you. We all are” her mother said, laying her hand on Gabby’s arm softly.

Gabby pulled away. “I wish you would just stop _worrying._ I am not a child! I realise I have done some questionable things in the past, but people respect me here, they follow my lead without questioning, and for a reason! I’ve proven myself! I will not let Matthew or anyone else take that away”.

“If it is truly as you say, he could not take that away from you even if he tried” her father said simply. “And then you would have nothing to worry about. But you are here yelling at us, so obviously you _do_ worry about what these people think of you. And quite frankly, some of the things you wrote in your letters bothered us. You’re walking down a path we’ve seen you walk down before, Gabriela, and it has never led anywhere good”.

Gabby started trembling again. She suddenly hated herself for getting so upset so easily. “I can’t believe what I’m hearing” she said, “I would have expected my family to support me unconditionally, but I suppose that was a foolish thing to believe”.

Her mother reached for her again. “Darling…” she said. “We love you more than anything. All of us do. Matthew included. He has a strange way of expressing that sometimes, but all he wants is for you to be safe. After what happened back at home…”.

Gabby closed her eyes. She didn’t want to hear about that. She didn’t want to think about it.

“I love you too, mother” she half-whispered. “And I will prove to you that I’ve changed. That is a promise”.

“As long as you’re well, we are happy” her mother said.

Gabby left their chambers feeling strangely empty. This was not at all what she’d hoped it would be like when her family came to visit. If anything, she wanted them to see how good she was doing. Apparently, the huge fortress and army hadn’t impressed them as much as she’d thought it would.

She went to Alex’ chambers next. He would make her feel better, she knew it. She told him the whole story of what had happened that morning, and also her conversation with their parents. Alex grimaced.

“Well, we all knew Matthew’s an arse, that’s no news”, he said, and Gabby sighed in relief. She knew she could count on him.

“But” Alex continued, “mother and father were right, none of us want to see you like you were in those months. Shit, Bri, you scared even me then”.

Gabby’s chest started feeling tighter. “I know…” she said in a low voice, “But I swear, that’s all in the past”.

Alex wrapped an arm around her. “I hope so. I would hate to lose you. You’re my favourite sister, you know”

Gabby nudged him in the ribs with her elbow. “I’m your only sister” she said sourly.

Alex chuckled. “Still my favourite one. Which reminds me, Jay and I got to know your friends a little in the tavern yesterday, where were you?”

Gabby shrugged. Honestly, she’d been exhausted the night before. For weeks on end, she’d slept no more than a few hours per night, and it was finally catching up with her, she’d concluded. She raised an eyebrow at Alex. “Can I make it up to you tonight? Meet in the tavern for drinks later?” she asked.

“You’re on, sis!”

* * *

Gabby knocked on Cullen’s door softly, and heard him invite her in. She closed her eyes and drew in a deep breath before entering the office. “Commander” she said.

Cullen immediately stood up from his chair. “Inquisitor! What can I do for you?”.

“I wanted to apologise… for what happened before” Gabby said softly.

“There really is no need, I…” Cullen started to say, but Gabby stopped him.

“Please let me finish. I’ve made some mistakes in the past. But I believe that the things I do here make up for them. I would prefer to keep those mistakes in the past. But my brother would never let me forget, and his presence and what he said in the war room… it messed with my head. I promise it will not happen again”

To her surprise, Cullen circled around his desk to step closer to her. He took hold of her hands with his own, and looked at her earnestly. “There’s no need to apologise” he said. “You have troubles of your own, and I’m well aware of that. You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to. But know that I am here for you”. Gabby looked back at him, baffled, lost for words.

She stepped back, to release herself from the spell she seemed to be under whenever she was that close to him, and smiled at him. “Would you like to join me for a drink, Commander?” she said. He seemed surprised.

“Well, um…” he raised his hand to rub his neck, which she knew meant he was flustered. It was adorable. “I have a lot of work, and – “

Gabby raised her hand to stop him. “You do the work of ten people, Commander. For one night, you should be able to forget about all of that and enjoy yourself. It’s good for you to get out once in a while, you know”.

“I suppose, but…” Cullen said, still unsure.

“But nothing. You’re coming with, Inquisitor’s orders” she said.

“Well, alright…” he said, dropping his arm and smiling back at her. Gabby leaned forward to take hold of his hand, and pulled him outside. She chuckled when she saw him cast a look back to his desk before she closed the door behind them.

It was still quiet in the tavern, since it was early, but Gabby didn’t mind at all. She waved at the Iron Bull, who was sitting in the back with his Chargers, and he shouted “hey, Boss!”. She smiled, and pulled Cullen into a corner and sat him down. She gestured to Cabot to bring them two beers, and then turned her eyes to Cullen again, who looked at her with a smile that seemed a little uncomfortable.

“Do you never go to this tavern?” she asked with a grin. He shook his head.

“There’s always so much work to be done, and it seems like a waste of time to sit here and get drunk when other things can be done”

Gabby chuckled. “Well, then I waste a lot of my time, I suppose”

Cullen’s eyes widened. “Forgive me, I didn’t mean – “

Gabby laughed loudly now. “Cullen, relax! How can you be so charming and confident one moment and the next…” her sentence trailed off. She would be a hypocrite if she finished that sentence. She shook her head. “Let’s just have a good time, okay?” she continued sweetly.

Cullen smiled at her. “Alright” he said. Cabot came over to put two tankards of ale down, and Gabby raised hers to Cullen.

“To having a night off” she said, and he raised his own with a chuckle.

They talked for about an hour without being disturbed. They talked about Cullen mostly, about Honnleath and his family. At a certain point in their conversation, Cullen took her hand - which was on the table - in one of his own casually, and softly stroked her skin with his thumb. His eyes were fixed on hers, and the corner of his mouth was raised into that half-smile that she loved so much. She felt herself drown in his eyes and butterflies fluttering in her stomach. She was falling hard for this man, and it felt amazing.

Their privacy didn’t last much longer, unfortunately, as Gabby saw Varric enter the Tavern. “Freckles! You’re here early! And with Curly, nonetheless, I didn’t think you ever left your tower!” Varric’s voice sounded from behind Cullen and he dropped her hand immediately.

“Night off” Cullen muttered to Varric, and the dwarf sat himself down next to Gabby.

“Cabot! One more!” he yelled to the bartender.

“Make that two, Cabot” Bull’s voice roared as he joined them. He winked at Gabby, and she felt herself blush. It was not a mystery why Bull had waited to join them until Varric did.

“Whazzat? Party going on?” Sera’s voice sounded, and Gabby looked up to see the elf lean over the balustrade above them. “Move, then, yeah?” Sera said.

“Might wanna get out of the way, Curly” Varric said with a sigh while he and Iron Bull stepped back.

“What? Why would I -” Cullen started to say, and then yelped when Sera landed on top of the table with one foot on his hand. He pulled it back, wincing, rubbing it with his other hand.

Varric chuckled. “I did try to warn you, Curly”. He sat back down and took the beers from Cabot. “We’ll need one more, I’m afraid” he said to the bartender apologetically, gesturing to Sera.

“Make that two!” Gabby said while draining her own beer. Cabot sighed and went back to the bar.

“So,” Varric said with a twinkle in his eyes, “who’s up for a round of Wicked Grace?”

* * *

It wasn't long until Alex and Jayden joined them, and Gabby enjoyed watching her brothers drink and laugh with her friends as if they'd all known each other for years. For the first time, Skyhold really felt like home to her.

They sat there until deep in the night, and to Gabby’s relief, Cullen loosened up more with every beer. They’d played several rounds of Wicked Grace, and now it was storytelling time, which Varric was the best at. Cullen laughed loudly along with everybody else, and Gabby noticed he had the cutest laugh when he was drunk. Their hands had found each other under the table and their knees were touching. She squeezed his hand lovingly and threw him a warm look, which he returned in twofold.

“Ooh! I got one!” Sera exclaimed with a grin, smacking her beer on the table. Gabby shook her head, laughing. This should be good. Sera’s stories very rarely made any sense. “So you remember that place in the Hinterlands, where we kept stepping in bear shit, yeah?” Varric laughed too, obviously remembering the place.

Bull grinned. “Is that where you and the Boss hooked up?” he asked.

“Yeah, there!” Sera said, pointing at Bull. “Anyway, so…”

Gabby groaned. She saw three pairs of eyes look at her in shock an surprise now, belonging to her brothers, and of course Cullen.

“Wait, what?” Cullen said, his eyes wide. “You and Sera…?” Gabby smiled at him apologetically and shrugged.

Sera laughed. “Not just me, Cully!” she said, and Gabby nudged her under the table with her foot. _Shut up, Sera,_ she thought. Sera obviously didn’t notice, because she cheerfully continued, “Inky gets around. She’s had some fun with Bull here, too, and even beardy! Though, I haven’t seen beardy around lately, so I s’pose that didn’t end well”.

Gabby sighed and warily turned her gaze to Cullen, who was now looking at her with his brow furrowed. Sera continued her story in the meantime, not even remotely aware of the awkwardness that she’d caused. Varric’s eyes flitted from Gabby to Cullen, and Gabby knew the dwarf to be observant enough to understand what was going on.

“Cullen…” Gabby whispered, but the Commander raised himself from the table.

Sera frowned at him. “Where’s you going, Cully? My story’s not done yet!”

“It’s late…” Cullen said, a little stiff, “I should retire. Early morning tomorrow”. He nodded at everybody at the table and left without looking at Gabby again. Her heart sunk into the ground.

The whole table was quiet now, and five pairs of eyes were focused on her. “I’m sorry Freckles” Varric said, laying a hand on her back, “I would have stopped her, but I didn’t realise you and Curly have a little thing going on”.

“What?!” Sera bellowed. “You and Cully? _Cullywully_?”

"Reeally?" Bull said, looking at Gabby with a grin.

“No, we’re not…” Gabby stammered, “not really…”. She suddenly felt the effect of all those beers, and how heavy her head was. She tried to get up from the table but stumbled a little.

“Talk to him tomorrow, Freckles” Varric said. “Let things cool down a little. And sober up”.

Gabby nodded. “I should go to bed. Goodnight, guys”.

Varric got up with her. “I’ll make sure you make it to your chambers safely” he said.

“’night, Boss” Bull mumbled, seemingly aware of the shift in Gabby's mood.

Her brothers exchanged a look. "Should one of us come with you?" Jayden asked, his voice worried. 

"No need, she's just had a few too many. She'll be better when she sleeps it off, won't you Freckles?" Varric said, and in that moment, Gabby really loved her friend.

"Yes, yes... I'll be fine" she said.

As they walked out of the tavern, Gabby heard Sera’s voice behind them. “He’s being a little bitch about it, though, in’ he? She’s not really his until she says she is”.

Varric escorted Gabby back to her chambers, trying to reassure her the whole way there. But her mind would not stop racing. She cursed herself for being so impulsive. _What if I ruined it? The one man who has ever been able to comfort me while I broke down, and I might have driven him away with my stupid choices._

Varric said good night to her at the bottom of the stairway, his eyes worried. She absentmindedly wished him a good night as well, and went upstairs. She didn’t sleep that night. Memories haunted her, of every stupid mistake she’d ever made in her life, every relationship and friendship she’d ruined, everything she’d ever been ashamed of. She tossed and turned on her sheets, and eventually got out of bed to step onto her balcony and look at Cullen’s tower. _Please, please, please don’t hate me now. Please let me make it up to you_ , she thought, and went back to her bed after standing there for a long moment.

 _You’re a whore, sister_ , her Matthew's voice sounded in her mind from a memory that she'd tried to bury. _The whore of Ostwick, now that’s an appropriate title for you._


	14. Deterioration - Treacherous

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three chapters in one day again, I hope you can keep up! Pace will be a bit slower again from now on.  
> Enjoy!

The next morning Gabby walked along the courtyard with her head pounding. The first thing she should do today is talk to Cullen, explain things to him. _What are you even going to say to him, though?_

She stopped before entering his office. _Maybe it wasn’t so bad. Cullen was quite drunk the night before, too, and maybe he feels like he overreacted._ _Maybe he doesn’t even remember,_ she thought hopefully. She forced a smile on her face and stepped into his office.

Cullen was sitting behind his desk, as usual, and Gabby immediately noticed the dark circles under his eyes. She cleared her throat to announce her presence, and Cullen’s eyes snapped up to look at her.

“Inquisitor,” he said, his voice cold. Her smile faltered. “Can I help you with something?” he continued, and Gabby recoiled at his harsh tone.

“I… I just wanted to… to see you…” she stammered, suddenly very self-conscious.

His eyes narrowed at her. “For what? To use me for your physical pleasure before discarding me?” he said to her, frowning. Gabby stepped back, staggered by the hostility in his voice. Every word he said next made her feel smaller. “I was a fool to think there was more to this than that" he continued, "And what a fool I was last night, finding out like that in front of your companions, your _brothers._ Blackwall, the Iron Bull, Sera? Was I to be just another of your conquests? I do not appreciate games being played with me, Inquisitor, so unless you’re here for something regarding the Inquisition, I suggest you leave”.

Gabby felt stung, beaten. Tears flooded her eyes, and she swallowed back a sob. She lowered her eyes and whispered “I… I wanted to talk to you…”. Her whole body shook. Cullen’s eyes softened a little and he opened his mouth to speak again, but she didn’t want to hear any more. She spun on her heels and rushed out of his office.

Her tears blinded her as she made her way back to her chambers. Her mind was racing, each new thought rushing in more filled with self-loathing than the last. She heard Varric call her name from somewhere behind her, but it didn’t matter. She ran up the stairs and burst through the doors leading to her balcony. She steadied herself against the balustrade, folding her hands around it so tightly her knuckled went white. She felt uncomfortable in her own skin, which was crawling with hatred towards herself. She wanted to punch something, hurt herself. She wanted to tear herself apart bit by bit until there was nothing left.

 _Why do I do these things?_ She thought to herself. _Why must I always singlehandedly turn everything good into shit? Cullen hates me, Blackwall hates me. People are counting on me, yet all I do is break things. They call me the Herald of Andraste, a title filled with false hope for a false hero. I cannot do this._

This last thought haunted her, repeating in her mind over and over again, faster and faster, and she started marching back and forth through her room, her hands pressed against her head in a desperate attempt to silence her mind. She did not hear the footsteps on the stairs behind her, as the room spun around her as fast as her self-destructive thoughts spun around inside of her, tearing at her insides like dull knives. _How could I ever have believed myself capable of living this life? All I do is push people away. Matthew warned me, that I lose control, I always lose control, and I didn’t listen. He was right, I am losing control, I am losing myself, I am losing this fight. I can’t be this person, I can’t be a hero. I can’t, I can’t…_

Her breathing came short, shallow and fast, and she felt like she wasn’t getting enough oxygen. She shook severely, and tears were running down her cheeks uncontrolled. When the first sob broke in her throat, her knees buckled and her legs gave out. She fell on her knees, her hands coming down on the ground hard. She cried, all of her tension spilling out of her in violent sobs and gasps. Her hands curled into fists and she punched the floor with all of her strength, over and over again.

Strong arms curled around her then, and her breath caught in her throat in surprise. Her eyes widened and flew up to the face that was close to her, and when they met Cullen’s beautiful amber eyes, it broke the last bit that was still intact of her soul. Her hands flew up to cover her face, and panic overcame her. He pulled her tight against him, burying his face in her hair as he made soft, soothing sounds.

He held her for a long time before her breathing finally calmed, and the room finally stopped spinning around her. She let out a few more soft sobs as he whispered “I came here to apologise for the way I spoke to you. I never meant to upset you so, Gabriela. I shouldn’t have been so harsh, you are not mine to claim, after all. The lack of sleep does nothing good for my mood, either, though I suppose you are partially to blame for that”.

It was a friendly jest, but hearing him speak to her so sweetly, with so much compassion, only increased her trembling again. She didn’t deserve his kindness. She had deserved the way he spoke to her earlier. She had brought it upon herself. She shook her head wildly, her face pressed into the fur around his neck.

“Is she alright?” Varric’s voice sounded, and Gabby realised with horror as she looked up that the dwarf was watching this embarrassing display from across the room, Leliana and Dorian standing next to him. Dorian’s eyes were wide with worry and astonishment, his mouth hanging open slightly. Leliana was frowning and her mouth was pressing into a tight line.

Cullen turned his head at looked at the onlookers and shook it softly, apparently sending them a silent messenge, because Varric, Leliana and Dorian were gone a few moments later.

Cullen put his hands on Gabby’s face to pull her gaze up, to meet his eyes. It was the last thing she wanted to do in this moment, but his hands were strong and didn’t allow her to escape their grip.

His eyes were soft as he whispered “talk to me”.

Gabby shook her head again. She wanted to be alone. She tried to tell him exactly that, but her voice broke before she could get the first word out. Fear flooded her suddenly, that if she sent him away now, he would not come back. She shook her head frantically instead.

Cullen’s thumbs softly caressed her cheeks. “Please,” he said, “I won’t judge, I won’t think any less of you. I’m worried, your friends are worried. Please, Gabriela, talk to me”.

That triggered something in Gabby. “I ruined everything” she sobbed, “I can’t be what people want me to be. I’m weak, not strong. I’m a failure, not a hero. I make choices that hurt people, that get people killed. I care about you, and I drove you away. Leliana said she disapproves of my choices. My brother told me this would happen, but I wouldn’t listen. And he was right. The Inquisition deserves a better leader than I am”.

His eyes filled with sorrow as he heard her confessions. He started shaking his head as she talked, slowly at first and then more fervently. “Stop it,” he said, and when she continued to verbally beat herself down, “Stop!”.

Her eyes widened and her mouth snapped shut and she immediately regretted sharing those things with him. “I’m sorry,” she whimpered, “I’m sorry…”, and he pulled her into his arms again.

He shushed her when she started sobbing again and said softly “Stop. Just stop, Gabriela, please. You need to calm down. I care about you too, a great deal in fact. But I made the mistake of thinking that there was something more, that our kisses meant…”

“They did!” Gabby exclaimed in a shrill voice, and then said in a lower voice “They did… I’m falling for you, Cullen, I think about you all the time”.

Cullen frowned, and she emotionally recoiled from his response before he could speak it out loud. “Then why would you seek the attention of all those others?” he asked, confused.

Gabby swallowed hard. “I don’t know,” she said as she shook her head, embarrassed. “I truly don’t. All of that happened before our first kiss. I know that sounds like a horrible excuse, but at the time it seemed like all of it just didn’t matter. I wanted to feel… wanted. Loved. I needed to feel like people needed me. I’ve always been like this, I feel fantastic for weeks, like I can do and say anything, I don’t think about what it might cause, and then everything I touch crumbles. And then I seem to wake up from that delirium, and I have to deal with the consequences of my actions. I never considered that you might want to be with me. And I don’t think that you _should_ want that. I’m not right, Cullen. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I don’t understand. And I could never expect you to understand either”.

Cullen was silent for a long while, and Gabby felt her throat tighten in panic again.

And then he spoke. “Surprisingly, I think I understand it better than you might expect” he sighed. Gabby’s eyes widened.

Cullen continued to hold her and stroke her hair and cheeks while he slowly told her his own story. He told her about what had happened at the Fereldan Circle of Magi, where the mages turned into abominations and he had witnessed his friends get slaughtered. How the demons had tortured him with visions, and how the Hero of Ferelden had saved him. He told her about his hatred for mages after that, and how that caused him to be transferred to Kirkwall. He told her about Meredith, his commander, and how she lost her mind. About the riots, the murders, and the horrible things his commander ordered him to do, which he did believing Meredith to have pure intentions. Gabby breathed in deeply when he finished, realising she’d started to hold her breath halfway through his story.

“Cullen, that’s… horrible. I always knew that you were a man with a past, but that…” she said. Cullen squeezed her.

“It _is_ in the past. And I’m happy here, even though the Lyrium withdrawal doesn’t always make it easy. Memories haunt me, in my dreams, and sometimes in waking life too on bad days. So I _do_ understand, to a certain extent. But I try to put things behind me, as should you”

Gabby shook her head. “It’s not that easy, Cullen” she whispered, lowering her eyes. She knew that she should tell her own story to him now, and she felt like she could after his confessions, but she was so used to not talking about it that she didn’t know quite where to begin.

“I went to a healer in Ostwick, you know” she said, putting her head on his shoulder. Cullen folded his arms around her tightly to encourage her to continue. “Mother and Father were worried, that something might be wrong with me. I just changed so often, from being happy, and confident, to losing myself completely, and hating myself. The Healer said I was physically healthy, but that he had seen my… _symptoms…_ before. He gave me water from a specific spring and told me to drink that daily. I did, but it tasted metallic and it made me feel strange. I had trouble focusing, and my hands shook. After a few months of not feeling like myself, I stopped drinking it. I immediately felt better, fantastic even. I felt unstoppable, not unlike how I’ve felt the last few months, and I felt desirable. I started spending money, more money than I had the right to spend. I bought insanely expensive daggers, and got obsessed with learning how to fight, convinced that what had happened at Kirkwall would soon happen in Ostwick too. I started sleeping with strange men I’d met in the tavern. Matthew started calling me _the whore of Ostwick._ It didn’t matter to me at that point” she let out a short, bitter laugh. “There was a man who seemed truly interested in me. He would bring me flowers, and sweets, and told me I was the most beautiful girl he’d ever met. We met in secret, because he had no title, and my parents would never allow us to get married. it didn’t matter to me, I loved him. But when he found out there was truly no way he would be accepted into my family, he left. In hindsight, I realise he was only interested in my money. He stole my daggers when he left”. She felt Cullen’s hold on her tighten a little, and she was afraid to look up into his eyes.

She drew in another shaky breath before continuing. “Everything changed for me, then. I felt responsible for him leaving, thought I did something wrong. All my energy was gone, and all I could do was cry. It wasn’t long before my mother and I realised I was with child”. Cullen gasped softly now, but stayed silent. Gabby started shaking again as fear rose up in her for what he might think of her, but she continued despite that. “I lost the child. I woke up one night with my sheets covered in blood, my body aching. My mother held me as I cried, but it didn’t help. I felt empty. It felt like I had failed at everything in my life. The next day I tried to take my own life.”

Cullens hands now moved to her face again swiftly and he pulled her up to look at him, the horror in his eyes plain. Gabby felt a tear roll down her cheek again and cursed herself for being so weak, so pathetic. “I’m sorry” she whispered, releasing herself from his grip and shuffling away from him. His hands fell limp to his sides. “I shouldn’t have… I shouldn’t be like this, I know. I should be strong. And I will be again, I promise”. She fervently wiped the tear away.

“Gabriela…” Cullen said softly, his eyes still wide and filled with shock.

“Now you know my story too” she said, forcing a smile on her face, determined not to show any more weakness. “Don’t go blabbing it around, Commander”.

He shook his head incredulously and moved towards her again. He grabbed her hand and laced his fingers through hers before lifting it and pressing a soft kiss on it. “Thank you for telling me” he said, which baffled Gabby.

She tried to pull her hand away, but he held onto it with a strong grip. “Please” she said, “stop being so nice to me. I can’t…”. _Can’t what?_ She thought to herself. She closed her eyes. The way Cullen was with her, sweet and patient, made her unable to keep her walls up. She could be so strong, so confident, and yet he could make her crumble with a single touch. It terrified her. She’d promised herself to never be so vulnerable again, and yet… it felt so good. She was torn between what she wanted to do and what she’d taught herself to do. Cullen obviously had no intentions of letting her leave, so maybe that meant that he wouldn’t leave either? Then again, she’d so often fooled herself before…

All thoughts abruptly faded when Cullen pressed his lips on hers. She was surprised at first, but then she pressed herself towards him and gripped the fur around his neck with both of her hands. His own hands moved to cup around her face again. His breath was sweet, and his lips soft as velvet as they moved on hers slowly. He suckled on her lower lip softly, and she opened her mouth to let his tongue in. Electricity shot down her spine when their tongues met, and she pushed herself forward eagerly, circling her tongue around his slowly, trying to taste every inch of him. He drew back suddenly and she fell forward a little. He steadied her with his hands. When she opened her eyes, she saw the fire in his eyes and a swarm of butterflies took flight in her stomach.

“Cullen…?” she said in a raspy voice.

“I see the weight that is on your shoulders, for only you to bear” he said softly, “and you spend your days saving other people’s lives. Never feel embarrassed for needing someone to save you once in a while. I told you before, and I meant it – I am here for you. Varric is here for you, so is Dorian, and all of your other friends. We care for you”.

It was the best thing he could have said to her, and still her stomach sunk at hearing her friends’ names. _Even the best of your friends eventually grow tired of dealing with your shit,_ her treacherous mind whispered. She didn’t speak. She’d asked enough of Cullen today. So she nodded, knowing that was the reaction he wanted from her, and let herself be pulled into another embrace. The warmth of his body and his words, however, were not enough to compensate for the cold that ran through her veins.


	15. Deterioration - Sway

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it has been a while, I've been incredibly busy with school, exams and work and I've been in a little bit of a funk because of my new medication. 
> 
> Short chapter this time, but I've been writing ahead again so there's more coming soon!  
> Enjoy!

“To the Inquisition! And to kicking Corypheus’ ass!” Varric called out, his chalice raised. Everybody around him mimicked the gesture and they all drank.

The banquet had started two hours ago and already everybody was loosening up, refilling their chalices and laughing with each other. They’d just finished the meal and now people were just drinking and dancing. Almost the entire inquisition was in the great hall, which made it very crowded but the atmosphere was exquisite. Josephine had organised the feast to perfection.

Gabby was having a very good time with all of her friends, having almost forgotten about her outburst the other day. She had a pleasant buzz going on from the wine, and intended not to stop drinking the rest of the night. She’d avoided Cullen since that day, knowing now that he could break her persona in a second if she let him close enough. She was torn between her fear of losing herself with him again, and the excitement about what had begun to blossom between them, whatever that may be. She made eye contact with him a few times that night, which was inevitable because he was sitting opposite from her at the table, and every time their eyes met it ignited something inside her. And the more wine she drank, the less she cared about her fears.

The second person she’d avoided was Leliana. She could still clearly envision the way the spymaster had looked at her in her chambers. She felt deeply embarrassed that the day after promising her advisors that there was nothing to worry about when it came to her mental health, she had a massive breakdown. It had not exactly been in plain view of everybody at Skyhold, but plenty of people had seen her run from Cullen’s tower to her chambers, wild-eyed and hyperventilating. It was not exactly a good look for the Inquisitor.

Her eyes fell on Cullen again, as though they were magnetically pulled back to him whenever she was not focused on aiming her gaze somewhere else. He smiled at her, and her heart jumped its familiar jump. He moved a little closer to the table, and reached out for her hand.

 _Calm down, girl_ Gabby though to herself, since her heart had begun racing. She wanted not to want to take his hand, to be able to say no to him, but she couldn’t. So she took his hand, and electricity shot from her hand through her body.

“Dance with me” Cullen said in a low voice, still smiling.

Gabby chuckled. “You’re not so opposed to dancing as you told me once, are you?”

His smile widened. “I suppose I didn’t do as badly as I thought I would at the winter palace. But maybe that was just because you are a very good dance partner. It would be best to dance with only you, just to be sure” he said. 

They danced for what felt like hours, spinning through the great hall as if they were the only ones there. Maker, how Gabby _wished_ they’d been alone. The whole time, Cullen’s eyes were fixed on hers, and sometimes he would gently squeeze her hand. She felt incredible, swallowed by the intensity of her feelings and she was suddenly sure that whatever she’d thought love felt like before, this was definitely it. And he felt the same, any trace of doubt about that had left her mind.

She almost hated her brother when put a hand on Cullen’s arm and said “Mind if I step in?”.

Cullen let go of Gabby and stepped away. “Of course” he said. He smiled at Gabby, lifted her hand to press his lips on it softly and then walked away.

Jayden opened his arms, inviting Gabby to dance with him. She stepped into position hesitantly, partly because she hated that he interrupted her dance with Cullen, and partly because she hadn’t spoken to him since that night in the tavern.

He was of course a much better dancer than Cullen, having grown up in a noble family. Gabby let him lead her without meeting his eyes. She looked over his shoulder into the great hall, at nothing in particular. She tried to find Cullen, but he had mingled in the crowd.

“How are you doing?” Jayden’s soft voice sounded.

Gabby swallowed and then looked at her brother. “Fine” she said. “I just had too much to drink that night”.

Jayden looked at her contemplatively and didn’t respond for a moment.

“You can be honest to me, you know” he finally said, “I’m not Matthew”.

Something snapped in Gabby’s mind then. She stopped the dance and let go of his hand. “I’m fine, Jay” she said, her voice stern. “Why would I be lying about that? Why is it that all of you have so little faith in me? It really hurts me that you think of me as some little girl who crumbles at the smallest setback. I’m the _Inquisitor!_ You have no idea the dangers I face every day, the hard decisions I have to make! And I’m still standing, am I not? I wish all of you would just back the hell off!”.

Her head felt a little woozy, and Gabby realised that maybe she’d had a little too much to drink, and that she’d been shouting instead of talking to Jay.

“Gabriela, I didn’t mean to-  I’m just…” Jayden started to say.

“If you going to say you’re just worried about me, I swear to the Maker, I will kick you” she hissed.

She suddenly noticed then that the great hall had gone silent. When she looked around, she saw that most, if not all, of the guests were staring at her and Jayden.

“Great…” she muttered through gritted teeth. She spun away from Jayden, swaying on her feet.

Several people rushed forward to support her, and before she knew it, she had Cullen and Varric on either sides of her, and Bull, Dorian, Cassandra and Sera circling around her. She saw Blackwall, his brow furrowed, Josephine looking shocked and Vivienne with her face as neutral as ever.

Solas looked utterly annoyed, shaking his head. It felt like a punch to the gut. Even Cole, who she hadn’t seen in months, was sitting in the corner with a sad look on his face. She was grateful that Leliana was not in her line of sight, but she shuddered to think about the disapproval her spymaster would radiate now.

“I got her, Curly. I’ll get her to her room” she heard Varric say on her right side. She looked at Cullen, who was looking not at her but at Varric.

“Are you sure? I can…” Cullen said.

“I’ll take care of it. I don’t think Ruffles would appreciate you two sneaking off to her chambers with Freckles in this state, not with a room full of people watching”.

Cullen’s cheeks flushed a little. “I don’t know what you’re… I would never…!” he stammered.

“I know you wouldn’t, Curly. But they don’t. That’s all I’m saying. I’ll handle it”

As Gabby stumbled towards her chambers supported by Varric, her cheeks burning from the eyes that followed them. She was relieved when Varric closed the door behind them, until she looked at the staircase and groaned.

“Come on, Freckles. You can do it” Varric said, his voice surprisingly cheerful.

They made their way up the stairs slowly, and Gabby was glad to finally reach the top.

“I’ll be fine from here, Varric” she said, but Varric didn’t move. He just stared at her with a thoughtful look in his eyes.

“What’s going on with you lately?” he said then.

Gabby swallowed, and felt the pressure on her chest increase. _Keep it together, Gabriela,_ she thought to herself. _You can’t have another breakdown in front of him_.

“I’m just going through some stuff. I’ll be fine” she said softly.

Varric was quiet for a moment, and then shrugged. “If you say so. I trust you. And you’ve been through enough shit in the last months to rattle anyone. But if you ever need to talk, you know where to find me”.

Gabby’s jaw almost dropped in surprise at that answer. Her eyes watered with tears of gratitude, and she stepped forward to hug the dwarf.

“Thank you, Varric” she whispered.

Varric patted her back. “Any time, Freckles”.

He left, then, leaving her alone with her thoughts. And like any other time she’d been alone lately, her thoughts came without warning. She thought about what Varric had said to Cullen, about how he implied people might think Cullen would be taking advantage of her in her drunk state. She thought about how she wouldn't have minded much, but at the same time she'd made a fool of herself quite enough that night. She thought about the other day, when she broke down in front of Cullen, the way he held her and the things he said to her. She thought about how good it felt to be with him, but how frightening it was to be getting so close to somebody. How he would surely at some point grow tired of always having to save her.

And then Leliana's face popped into her mind, and her body tensed up. She feared the next meeting in the war room and what the spymaster would say to her. Would she say that Gabby was unfit to be Inquisitor? That Gabby had broken her promise?

When finally the music died downstairs and the sounds of voices faded, Gabby was still awake, slipping more and more into self-loathing. It was long after that before she finally fell asleep, her tears still wet on her cheeks and pillow.


	16. Deterioration - Battle

The weeks after the banquet, Gabby was mostly away with her companions to deal with problems across Thedas. Saying goodbye to her family had not been easy, and a little uncomfortable. Alex had given her a big hug, but none of them had mentioned anything that had happened during their stay and Matt hadn’t even looked at her.

Leliana had, to her surprise, not mentioned anything, but Gabby very often suspected people around her to be watching her. She was convinced that Leliana had spies around Skyhold to keep an eye on the Inquisitor and make sure she didn’t fuck up again.

She hadn’t really spoken to Cullen either, aside from in the war room where after the meeting he’d asked her if she was feeling better. She’d said she was feeling fine, and then fled before he could drag another emotional confession from her.

She’d been glad to get out of Skyhold. Away from prying eyes, walls that seemed to close in on her sometimes, and a man of which she still didn’t know if being in love with him was a very good thing, or very bad thing for her.

She tried her very best to convince her friends that she was back to normal. Strong, confident, funny, cheerful. She tried a little too hard sometimes, laughing a bit too loudly at Bull’s jokes, running into fights a little bit too carelessly. She’d needed more patching up of wounds than ever before. She’d made it into her new mission to try and push Dorian and Bull together, which Bull thought was very funny but at a certain point Dorian snapped at her to mind her own business.

She tried every day, and every night she’d go to her tent feeling like a complete idiot. She would see the faces that Dorian and Varric threw at each other when she was telling loud jokes, the irritated look on Dorian’s face, the stern look on Solas’ face every time he healed her wounds without saying a word. And the more she felt like she was losing control, the harder she tried to regain it.

One night, Gabby was telling the group about the pranks she and Sera pulled together. A few people laughed, others just sighed and rolled their eyes. “What?” Gabby had said, her voice shrieking a little, “Come on, as if you’ve all never done something like that”.

“Not all of us are in a luxury position where we can act like fools whenever we want, my dear” Vivienne said in her usual cold, bored voice.

Gabby’s heart sunk. She looked around her to see how people responded. Some of them were hiding their silent chuckled behind their hands. She heard a scout giggle and say “ouch, that must have hurt”.

Some, like Varric, Dorian, Cassandra and Bull, just looked away awkwardly but none of them stood up for her, aside from Sera’s _pfffrt_ sound, which she undoubtedly made because she felt insulted herself. In that moment, Gabby suddenly felt utterly alone and a sickening realisation hit her that she might have overestimated how much the people around her cared for her. She stayed at the campfire for a little bit longer, not wanting to show weakness, but retired to her tent earlier than usual.

It was several months before they heard from Alistair again. Gabby and her party had just returned from Emprise du Lion, and were welcomed by Hawke before they could even step off their horses.

“Inquisitor. Good to see you” he said, his voice grave.

“Marcus!” Gabby said, surprised. “Have you heard from Alistair?”

Hawke nodded. “We should talk in private”.

So Gabby stepped off her horse and handed it to the stable hand, and followed Hawke to the war room. Cullen, Josephine and Leliana were already there. Gabby held eye contact with Cullen a bit longer, but then directed her attention towards Hawke.

“I’ve received word from Alistair, and it seems that the Wardens are meeting at an old fort in the Western Approach. From what he’s told me, about the dreams he’s been having, it can’t be good. We need to head over there”. Hawke said.

“I’ve received word from Rylen as well” Cullen said, and for a second Gabby realised just how much she missed his warm voice, before she focused on the mission again. “He reported the same thing – that a large number of Wardens has moved into the Western Approach. We need to establish a foothold immediately”.

Gabby looked at Hawke and her advisors, and slowly nodded.

“Give us an hour” she said, “to recover a little from our journey. And then we will set out again”.

Her advisors nodded in return. They knew as well as her that an hour was not enough, but all of them felt how important it was for her to get to the Approach as soon as possible. This was what it meant to be Inquisitor, and somewhere, Gabby felt this was another opportunity to prove herself.

She gave a short report on everything she and her companions had done during their time away, and then dismissed her advisors. Before she could leave the war room herself, Cullen softly curled his hand around her elbow.

“Inquisitor, a moment?”

Gabby waited for the rest to leave and the door to be closed, and then turned to Cullen with her eyebrows raised. “Yes?” she asked.

She hadn’t expected what happened next. His hand was still around her elbow, and he pulled her towards him until she was flush against his body. His other hand then circled around her waist, and he kissed her softly.

Gabby felt like she was on fire. When he pulled away and smiled at her, and softly said “I’ve missed you”, it was as though her body would melt under his gaze. She grinned foolishly at him.

“I’ve missed you too” she whispered. This man was too good to be true. Too kind, handsome, patient. She tried to step back a little, aware that she didn’t exactly smell like roses after riding for a day and a half. His arm around her waist tightened.

“Stay here for a moment” he said, leaning forward to press his lips against the skin of her neck. Gabby groaned, feeling his kiss not just there but in a very different place as well.

“Cullen… I really need a bath” she muttered.

Cullen chuckled. “You do” he said, “but I don’t care. You’ll be leaving again soon and I want to enjoy this as long as I can”.

And so he kissed her again, on her lips, and Gabby wanted nothing more than to just forget about everything else and just stay with him, here, forever. Bath or no bath. But the image of her friends laughing and looking away after Vivienne’s remark forced its way into her mind, and her treacherous mind whispered _you always overestimate other people’s feelings for you. You think they love you when they don’t care about you. You’re doing it right now. You’re going to let yourself fall for him assuming he will catch you, but what if he doesn’t?_

The thought chilled her to the bone, and she pushed herself away from him with both hands on his chest.

“As much as I enjoy this, I really need to get ready” she forced herself to say. “this might be the most important mission so far”.

Cullen let his hands drop. He couldn’t quite disguise the disappointment in his face, but he nodded nonetheless. “I understand” he said.

Gabby turned around and walked away before she could change her mind. A part of her screamed at her to stay just a little bit longer. But she needed to regain control and somehow, she seemed unable to do that around him.

* * *

An hour later she and her companions were as ready as they could be to depart. Cullen was there, and he pulled her to the side for a moment.

“Write to me” he said, “I will have our soldiers ready to march if necessary”.

“I will” Gabby said.

“Pray to the Maker that it will not be necessary” Culen muttered. He then raised her hand to press a kiss on it, looked at her and said in a low voice “and please stay safe”.

Gabby smiled at him, trying to keep her heart still. “I always do” she said, winking at him before joining her friends again.

A feeling of dread crept up inside her as they rode across the bridge. What if they did need the Inquisition’s army? What was waiting for them in the Approach?


	17. Deterioration - Reunion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gabby and Cullen get a little more intimate!
> 
> I went through the battle at Adamant pretty quickly because, well, we all know what happens and what is said. I hate to make a full chapter with just scenes from the game. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Gabby stood on the battlements of Griffon Wing keep. She stared down, tapping the stones with her knuckles impatiently. Droplets of sweat were on her forehead, and she wiped them away with the back of her hand absentmindedly. It was too warm here for her, the air too hot and dry, and she had sand in places of which she wondered how it could ever get there.

She stood there for what felt like - and what probably were – hours before she finally saw the silhouette of the Inquisition’s army approaching in the distance. Her heart jumped and she raced down the stairs even though she knew it would take a while before they would actually reach the gates of the keep.

Their time here had been trying, as from the moment they arrived in the Western Approach they’d been attacked by creatures, bandits and even darkspawn. The hot weather and heavy sand made it difficult for them to travel far. Once they’d set up a few camps in the area, it had been easier to travel around but it still wasn’t much fun. Meeting with the wardens hadn’t gone smoothly either, since they were being manipulated by a Tevinter magister who had them convinced they could save the world from the blight by binding their lives to demons. The result was that Gabby, Bull, Varric and Dorian were surrounded by demons while Erimond, the magister, escaped to Adamant fortress.

Gabby had immediately contacted Cullen to lead their forces to the Approach, and sent scouts to Adamant to keep an eye on what was happening there. Since then she and her companions had been holed up in Griffon Wing keep, waiting for word from the scouts. They were preparing for a large battle, and for all the fighting she’d done since joining the Inquisition, Gabby wasn’t sure she was ready for that after what happened at Haven.

She signalled to the guard standing at the gate to pull the lever to open it, and waited. She heard the sound of horses galloping on the sand getting louder, and louder, until finally the first horse came into view, followed by others. Leading the large group was of course the Commander, and Gabby heart jumped yet again at the sight of him. Their eyes met, and for a moment the world around them seemed to have stopped, leaving nothing but the two of them. He smiled slightly, then turned around to order the man behind him to set up camp around the keep, since the keep wasn’t big enough for the whole army and their horses.

He jumped off his horse then, gracefully despite his bulky armour. He spun around and marched straight towards Gabby, and her heart sped up as if she’d just been sprinting. He stopped in front of her, several emotions showing in his eyes. Gabby wondered if he was contemplating kissing her in front of everybody there. If he was, he decided not to do it, because he simply reached for her hand and pulled it towards him to plant a kiss on it.

“You’re safe” he said in a low voice, “I’m glad”.

Gabby smiled slightly. “I did make you a promise, didn’t I?”

He smiled and the corners of his eyes crinkled for a second, and then the serious expression on his face was back and he let go of her hand. “Any updates? Have you heard from our scouts yet?”

Gabby shook her head. “Not yet. I’m getting a little nervous, to be honest. What if something happened to them, and we’re waiting for a signal that might never come? What if what we’re trying to prevent from happening is already happening, or has already happened?”

Cullen looked at her with a contemplative look in his eyes. Then he shook his head slightly. “I don’t believe that. Leliana is no amateur; she recruited some of the best people in Thedas. We should hear from them soon”.

Gabby sighed “I hope so. This waiting around is not helping for morale. People are getting anxious”.

The look in Cullen’s eyes softened and he reached up to stroke her cheek. “You do look like you could use some sleep”.

Gabby snorted. His touch brought butterflies to her stomach as usual, but she didn’t want to show any weakness, not here. She needed to be ready for whatever was coming. “You’ve been travelling for days, Commander. You probably need sleep more than I do. We have a room ready for you. It’s not exactly fancy and we can’t arrange a bath here, but at least you can wash up and rest”.

Cullen dropped his hand and shook his head. “I’ll stay in a tent, with my men”. He said it very matter-of-factly.

“None of that” Gabby said, frowning. “You’re the commander. When we do hear from our scouts, you need to be at full capacity. And you told me you have trouble sleeping sometimes, so I think that right after such a long journey and before a battle, it’s probably best if you have a quiet place to rest instead of in a tent with soldiers right outside drinking and shouting”.

Cullen frowned, but didn’t protest. So Gabby turned around and motioned for him to follow her. She led him through the fortress, towards the room she had made ready for him. When they passed Rylen, Cullen stopped.

The two men shook hands and Rylen slapped Cullen on the shoulder with his hand. “Commander” he said. “Fancy seeing you here”.

“Rylen” Cullen replied with a small smile. “How are things here?”

“Well, I’m sure the Inquisitor has filled you in on our current situation. Other than that, we’ve settled in nicely. Considering where we are, this keep is certainly not a bad place to have as a foothold. The Inquisitor and her companions have done well by procuring it”.

“They have” Cullen said while smiling and looking sideways at Gabby. “Well, I’m under orders from the Inquisitor to get some rest, so I’d better go”.

Rylen laughed. “She’s probably right. You look like you could use it”. He cleared his throat then, and concluded with “Sir”.

Cullen chuckled as he turned towards Gabby and she started walking again. His room was in one of the least damaged towers, next to hers. There was a bed and a trunk, and a basin of water. Other than that, the room was empty. The window was open, though it did nothing for the oppressive heat in the room.

Gabby turned towards Cullen. “It’s not much, but…”

She didn’t get a chance to finish the sentence. Cullen had closed the door behind him and he surged towards her, circling his arms around her and crushing her to his chest in one movement. His lips were on hers then, and the room started spinning around Gabby as she let his intensity overtake her. There was an urgency to his embrace and kiss that she’d never felt before, and it instantly aroused her. She pulled him towards the bed slowly, until the back of her knees touched the edge of the bed.

She was getting ready to let herself fall onto the bed backwards and pulling him on top of her, when he pulled away, his eyes wild with desire. “I’m sorry” he said in a low, raspy voice, “It’s just… I haven’t seen you in weeks, and when we received word of what was happening here…”

Gabby shushed him, putting her hand on his cheek. “It’s okay. This is okay. I missed you too, Cullen” she whispered. She tugged on him then, letting herself fall and to her delight, he softly lowered her onto the bed with his hand on her back. She pulled his face towards her again, kissing him, tasting him, breathing him in. No matter what happened, this man could make her feel good, loved, safe. She wanted to stay here, right here, in his embrace, and never feel anything else again.

His hands roamed over her body and Gabby noticed he’d taken his gloves off. Even though his hands weren’t making direct contact with her skin, she felt his touch as if they were, and it sent electricity throughout her entire body. His armour was heavy on her, and she wanted it off, she wanted all of his clothes off. She hooked her leg around his waist and pressed her pelvis against his groin, pleased by the bulge she felt there. Cullen broke the kiss when she did that, gasping, and when she pushed her hips up again he buried his face in the mattress and groaned.

“Gabby, I…” he said with a muffled voice, his fingers digging into her skin through her armour.

“I want you, Cullen” Gabby whispered into his ear. “So, so badly”.

She folded her lips around his earlobe and suckled on it softly while pressing her pelvis up again. It seemed to ignite something in Cullen, as he lifted his head and started vigorously working on undoing her armour, while kissing and biting the skin of her neck. Gabby moaned softly and helped him take her armour off, which seemed to take ages. When they’d finally loosened all the clasps, Gabby arched her back up to clumsily remove it and throw it on the floor next to the bed. Her breast band was much easier to take off, and as it joined her armour on the floor, Cullen looked at her upper body ravenously.

“Maker’s breath…” he muttered, before lowering his mouth to fold his lips around her nipple. Gabby threw her head back and moaned, almost on the verge of climax from this sensation alone. He bit softly and circled around her nipple with his tongue, causing goose bumps to form on her entire body.

“Cullen…” Gabby gasped.

Cullen lifted his head to look at her. He moved to kiss her on the lips again, more softly this time, his hands moving to cup her face. When he pulled back, the look in his eyes was so intense that it nearly made her shiver.

“Gabriela, I…” he started to say, his voice incredibly fragile.

And then there was a knock on the door.

Both of them froze, realising that there was no lock on the door. But whoever was on the other side had the common sense not to enter, because the door stayed closed.

“Commander” a voice sounded, “Our scouts are back. We need to get ready to leave within the hour”.

* * *

It was chaos. Around her, bodies were falling down the battlements, people were on the ground dying, and the sound of metal against metal and spells being fired filled the air. Gabby was running. She was running to get to Warden Commander Clarel, to hopefully talk some sense into her. When she found a young Warden who didn't want to fight them, who was just scared, she told him "find Commander Cullen. He'll protect you". The boy was not much older than Jenna, she realised with shock. She needed to stop what was happening here. She would.

They found Clarel and Erimond in one of the courtyards, and she tried to convince Clarel that she and the other wardens were being manipulated. Clarel wouldn't listen and ordered that the wardens continue with the ritual. When the dragon, or archangel, or _whatever_ that things was, showed up, Erimond saw his opportunity and fled, and Clarel followed him. Gabby ran again. Dorian, Varric, Bull, Cassandra, Alistair and Hawke were on her heels, she knew that. Or she hoped they still were, she didn't have time to look behind her. She just kept running. When the dragon pursued them, she only ran faster. Her lungs burned and her heart pounded but she ignored. She jumped just in time to avoid getting burned by the dragon's fire, and then she continued running.

She caught up with Clarel and Erimond, and to her surprise, Clarel was attacking Erimond, having finally realised the truth. When Erimond was down on the ground, defeated, Gabby sighed in relief, but that relief lasted no longer than seconds until the dragon showed up again, landing behind Clarel and sinking its huge teeth in her body.  Blood splattered everywhere, and Gabby felt more than a few drops land on her face. The dragon flew to higher ground, throwing the heavily wounded but miraculously still alive Warden Commander on the ground. Clarel dragged herself forward, muttering something, and the dragon stepped over her, completely ignoring her, now focused on Gabby and her friends.

Gabby trembled, fear momentarily overtaking her, when suddenly Clarel cast a spell that made the ground shake and the dragon screech out in pain. The stones underneath their feet gave out, and Gabby ran again, trying to get to stable ground. She wasn't fast enough, and she felt herself being pulled down, and then she was falling. She didn't know if she was the only one falling. She couldn't see anything. All she heard was the wind in her ears.

 _I'm going to die_ , she thought, and somewhere was an overwhelming relief that it was all finally over for her. Then she thought about Cullen, her amazing, handsome, kind-hearted commander. She thought about the moment they'd had before going to battle. _If only we'd had more time..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I've been working on the next chapter, the Fade scene, for a while. It's going to be a heavy one, and I'll try to get it finished soon (which should be possible because I have a week off starting today), but I want to get it right.


	18. Deterioration - Confrontation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha, so a few hours ago I posted the last chapter saying I would try to finish this one as soon as possible.  
> Aaaand then I never stopped writing.  
> This is a bit longer and there's a lot of dialogue from the game here, but I found it necessary for the storyline. 
> 
> Gabby's not doing very well being confronted with her fears.

When Gabby opened her eyes, she was not falling anymore. Even more incredible, _she was alive._

“Where are we?” she heard a voice ask. She looked around her and saw Hawke, Alistair, Bull, Cassandra and Dorian.

 _Where’s Varric?_ Was the first thing she thought, and immediately she became deeply worried that something might’ve happened to her friend. She hardly thought about how strange it was that all of her friends were standing either sideways or upside-down on floating rocks.

More voices around her shocked her back into reality. If this could even be called reality. “The Fade?” she repeated after Hawke, who’d been the one talking. Everybody looked at her now.

“Ah, sunshine, still with us then? For a moment I thought we’d lost you” Dorian said.

“They say you walked out of the Fade at Haven. Was it like this?” Hawke asked.

“I don’t know” Gabby said in a small voice. “I don’t remember”.

“Argh, this is shitty” Bull grunted, “I’ll fight whatever you give me, boss, but nobody said nothing about getting dragged through the ass end of demon town”

“In our world, the rift the demons came through was nearby. In the main hall. Can we escape the same way?” Hawke said.

Gabby looked around and saw a swirling green hole in the sky not far from them. She sighed. “I suppose we can try. Staying here is not exactly an option. Let’s go”.

So they made their way through the fade slowly, to not attract any unwanted attention. They climbed up a flight of stone stairs, and when they reached the top, Gabby’s jaw dropped. Divine Justinia was standing in front of them.

“I greet you, Warden. And you, Champion” Justinia said to Alistair and Hawke. Her friends then argued with each other whether or not this could be the real Justinia or just some spirit trying to trick them. Gabby could only stare.

“What are you?” she asked softly, ignoring her friends.

“I am here to help you” Justinia simply said.

Gabby gawked at her for a moment longer, and then shrugged. “Good enough for me. We’ll find out soon enough if you’re speaking the truth”. She didn’t want to stand here too long arguing, she wanted to keep moving and get out of this place. An ominous feeling was creeping up on her, and she didn’t feel like finding out what exactly was causing it.

“You do not remember what happened at the temple of Sacred Ashes, Inquisitor” Justinia said.

“No, I don’t”.

“The memories you have lost were taken by the demon that serves corypheus. It is the Nightmare you forget upon waking. It feeds off memories of fear and darkness, growing fat upon the terror” Justinia said.

Gabby felt her body go numb. _Fuck._

“The false calling that terrified the Wardens into making such grave mistakes? Its work” Justinia continued.

_Fuck._

“So, will you help us to get out of the Fade?” Gabby asked, trying to keep her voice steady.

“That is why I found you. When you entered the Fade at Haven, the demon took a part of you. Before you do anything else, you must recover it. These are your memories, Inquisitor” Justinia said, and she gestured towards glowing green orbs that were appearing around them.

“Can’t we just leave my memories?” Gabby said jokingly, “and just have you zap us out of here?”

Justinia didn’t respond. Gabby sighed, and moved towards one of the glowing green orbs.

“Are you sure about this, boss?” Bull asked, sounding a bit nervous. “What if you touch that thing and something bad happens?”

“Then you’ll have to go on without me, Bull. I really see no other way to get out of here than to do what she says”.

Still, she was hesitant to touch the orb. Her hand hovered over it, and she felt the power in it. She closed her eyes and exhaled, and then touched it.

* * *

The farther they got into the fade, the more nervous Gabby got. She felt a little unsteady after getting some of her memories back. She knew now what happened at the Conclave, how she ended up in the Fade. How she’d touched Corypheus’ orb, how she got the anchor. How she got herself dragged into all of this.

Not only had she regained her memories, her friends had seen them too. She feared what the rest of her memories would show.

She froze when a cold voice sounded around them. “Ah, we have a visitor. Some foolish little girl comes to steal the fear I kindly lifted from her shoulders. You should have thanked me and left your fear where it lay, forgotten. You think that pain will make you stronger? What fool filled your mind with such drivel? The only one who grows stronger from your fears is _me._ But you are a guest in my home, so by all means, let me return what you have forgotten”.

She stood still for a moment, her legs shaking. “Boss?” Bull asked nervously.

“My dear, are you alright?” Dorian asked when she didn’t answer.

Gabby closed her eyes and inhaled again, forcing herself to expel the fear she knew was her greatest weakness here. She opened her eyes again and said “we need to keep moving”.

A hand was placed on her shoulder. “Inquisitor, if you need…” she started, but Gabby shook her head.

“I need to get out of here, Cass, as soon as possible”.

So they moved on. The fear demon taunted each of them, and weirdly, Bull seemed to be the one most affected by it. Aside from Gabby, of course. She tried not to show how terrified she was, but it almost crippled her.

When the demon spoke again, he spoke to her. “You have an interesting mind, little girl, and a delicious amount of fear. How kind of you to bring yourself to me so willingly”. Gabby gritted her teeth and marched on. “You think the people around you will protect you, because they care for you. Nobody cares for you, Inquisitor. Why do you think your family sent you away? Because they loved you? They grew tired of you. When you tried ending your life, they thought they were finally rid of you. But you just keep going, don’t you? You torment yourself with the idea that you might be accepted, might be loved someday. Your Templar only desires you for the illusion you show him. Once that veil is lifted, he will run away like all the others did. Nobody want you. Even your unborn child didn't want you”.

Gabby closed her eyes and covered her ears in a desperate but futile attempt to block his voice.

“These people follow you now, Inquisitor, but don’t mistake it for love. They would just as soon kill you if that was the more convenient option”.

“Don’t listen to him, dear. He’s trying to get to you” she heard Dorian say.

The next thing she heard were swords being drawn and Cassandra’s voice saying “Inquisitor! Look out!”.

Gabby opened her eyes and to her surprise, Dorian was running towards her, his staff raised. She jumped backwards, drawing her daggers in reflex, with no intention of using them. “Dorian! What are you doing?!” she shouted, her voice sounding high and unsteady. Dorian didn’t answer, and charged her again. He wasn’t using his spells on her, instead he tried to hit her with his staff. Gabby raised her daggers in defence, trying to avoid his strikes, when suddenly Cassandra was next to him, sword drawn, also attacking her.

“Guys!” Gabby shouted in a desperate voice, “whatever he’s showing you, it’s not real! He’s gotten in your heads!”. She backed away from her friends until her back was against a rock, and she cursed herself for getting cornered. When she tried to roll sideways, Cassandra’s sword made contact with her and she was throw off balance, ending on her back on the floor. She tried to jump up, but the tip of Dorian’s staff came down on her abdomen hard and she fought for air.

Tears were running down her face. Her daggers were still in her hand, and she desperately swung them upward before Dorian’s staff could come down again. She felt the sickening feeling of having hit skin, and used that moment to roll away without looking where she’d hit him. Something punched her in the back then, and she almost fell to the ground again. When she spun around, she saw Bull towering over her with his war hammer in both hands. Her ribs hurt, probably being broken, and her breath came out sharp and in wheezes.

“Bull?!” she said, her voice desperate and sobbing. Bull raised his hammer again and then something snapped in Gabby's mind. She used the opening that there now was and thrust both her daggers forward, into his stomach. Bull hardly made a sound, but when she withdrew her daggers, he staggered backwards, his hammer falling to the ground.

Gabby turned away, partially because she couldn’t bear to see what she’d just done and partially because the other two were still behind her. Her heart was breaking, she felt utterly alone and somewhere, she wondered why she was even fighting for her worthless life to begin with.

Dorian was the first to come into view, his staff still in his hands and Gabby raised her daggers again, ready to defend herself. Dorian froze. “Whoa! What are you doing?”. He stepped closer to her, but Gabby backed away immediately. She looked into his eyes, and saw nothing but kindness there. But she didn’t trust herself.  “Gabriela! It’s me! What happened? What did you see?”.

She kept her daggers raised. “You… attacked me” she sobbed, “you and Cassandra. And Bull…” something squeezed her heart and she had trouble breathing, more than was caused by her injuries. “Bull…”.

Somebody touched her shoulder and she spun around with her daggers, and whoever was standing there could only just jump away. “Holy crap, boss, what was that? And what about me? I’m fine”.

Gabby’s eyes widened and she lowered her daggers. She looked around her and saw Alistair, Hawke, and Cassandra standing around her as well, all looking at her with shocked expressions. She dropped her daggers on the ground, covered her face in her hands and cried. “You were… I saw…” she croaked, and she was being pulled into an embrace then.

“It’s alright, my dear. The demon is playing with our minds. Hawke and Cassandra saw spiders, and I… well, I’d rather not talk about what I saw” Dorian said. “But we need to not let him get to us, or we’re doomed. We need to keep going. Alright?”

Gabby knew he was right, but she couldn’t move. _You’re holding them back,_ her mind whispered, _and because of that you’ll get them all killed._

“Go” she whispered to Dorian.

“Say what now?”

“Go on without me. I’m too weak. The demon knows how to get to me. I’ll only get you killed. And I’m injured. Get yourselves to safety” she said.

“You’re batshit crazy if you think we’re going to do that, boss. You’re coming even if I have to carry you on my back” Bull said.

“My dear, I can heal your injuries. And like bull so eloquently said, we’re not leaving you behind. And - if you saw what I think you saw - I swear to you, we will never turn our backs on you”.

She wanted to believe him. So she let Dorian heal her. And she tried to control her fear.

* * *

They were very close to the rift when Gabby finally got all of her memories back. She needed a while to process them, and apparently so did her companions, because everybody was quiet.

_I was never the herald of Andraste. I was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time, naïve enough to pick up a magical object, and only alive because Justinia sacrificed her life for me. I foolishly believed I’d actually found a purpose in life, that it was divine intervention that kept me alive, while it was pure luck…_

“I’m sorry if I disappoint you” Justina, or whatever she was, said in a sad voice.

Alistair and Hawke started arguing. Hawke seemed to hold Alistair accountable for the Warden’s actions, and Alistair tried to defend them. Gabby already had a headache, and this was only making it worse.

“Even without the influence of Corypheus, the Wardens go too far. They need to be checked” Hawke snarled.

“STOP!” Gabby said, and everybody turned to look at her. “Can you please stop this _useless_ bickering? Can we please just get the hell out of here?!”

“The nightmare has found us” Justinia said before anybody could respond, and disappeared.

Gabby turned around, but too slowly, and an arrow hit her in the shoulder. She screamed out in pain, and looked up, shocked to see Varric standing in front of her. “ _Varric?”_ she called out.

 _NO,_ she said to herself, _It’s not real._ Still, seeing her friend stand in front of her, trying to kill her, chilled her to the bone. “Guys!” she called out, hoping her _real_ friends could hear her. “I need some help here!”.

Almost as soon as she’d said that, Dorian and Cassandra jumped in front of her, attacking Varric. Something hit her shoulder, and when she turned her head she saw Vivienne. The enchantress stood still, her staff in her hand, not really trying to attack her.

“You’re not real” Gabby said, trying to sound as confident as possible.

Vivienne laughed coldly. “If that’s what you want to tell yourself to make yourself feel better, darling. That’s all that matters, doesn’t it? Always with the foolish behaviour, trying to make everybody like you. You think we don’t see right through you, but we do. We follow you because none of us want to be in your position, but really, we all laugh at your silliness. You believe you were chosen to be a leader, but you’re a joke. You think you have people who love you, but you’re alone. And you will die alone”.

Bull’s hammer came down on her then, and she disappeared. “Stay with us, boss!” Bull roared before turning around to fight some invisible enemy.

As her friends fought, Gabby could only stand there. Vivienne’s words bounced around inside her mind. _You will die alone._

When the fighting was done, Dorian sped to Gabby and grabbed her face with both of his hands. “Are you alright?” he said, slightly out of breath. A tear rolled down her face, she didn’t respond.

Dorian turned his head to the others. “We need to get her out of here. _Now”_

* * *

 

“Ah, you’re here” the demon said. “Good. Your fear will last for a while, it will be a nice meal. And I will finally save you from your misery. That is what you want, isn’t it? For all of it to just be over?”

Gabby looked at him, legs still trembling. “It will be” she said in a small voice, “Once you are dead”.

The demon’s laughter was loud and booming, and there was no time to respond before he attacked. Gabby fought for her life, closing herself off from anything else the wretched creature said. The rift was _right_ there, they only needed to get rid of the demon and they’d be back in the real world.

 _Cullen,_ Gabby thought, and how much she needed his strong protective arms around her right now, his soothing calmness that always seemed to calm her too. She shook her head, forcing herself to focus on this fight, mentally kicking herself for thinking about her lover at the worst possible time.

The fight seemed to be over too fast, and Gabby needed a second to realise the demon was actually dead.

“We need to go, NOW!” Cassandra shouted, and Gabby spun around to see Cassandra, Bull and Dorian jump through the rift. She immediately started running after them, together with Alistair and Hawke, when the huge spider demon blocked their path.

 _No, no, NO,_ she thought to herself. _Stupid! Why did you stand there like an idiot?_

“How do we get by?!" Alistair asked.

“Go” Hawke said, “I’ll cover you”

“No” Alistair responded, “You were right. The Grey Wardens caused this mess. A Warden must-“

“A warden must help them rebuild. That’s _your_ job!” Hawke snarled. “Corypheus is mine”.

Both men looked at her then. Gabby’s mind spun. _Are they expecting_ me _to choose? How? How can they ask that of me, after all this? I’m no herald of Andraste, I’m a poor leader, I can’t even hold myself together at a time when people need me the most._

Her body shook, and she knew a choice had to be made now, or none of them would make it out alive. _The wardens will need a leader after this. Alistair can help them rebuild, make them into what they once were._

The word escaped her lips before she’d even really finalised the decision in her head.

“Hawke…”

Hawke looked at her with sad determination and nodded. “It has been an honour, Inquisitor” he said, “Take care of Varric for me”, before spinning around to attack the demon.

 _Varric._ The dwarf’s name echoed through Gabby’s head and her heart sunk as she spun around and headed for the rift with Alistair on her heels.


	19. Deterioration - Fake

Gabby stepped out of the fade in Adamant’s courtyard. The first thing she did was turn around to close the rift, trying not to think about the fact that she was locking Hawke inside. She was nauseous, shaking and fighting back the tears that couldn’t seem to stop coming.

“No demon army for Corypheus, it appears. The Divine – or her spirit – was right” Alistair said, “You know that’s not how they see it, though. They just saw their Inquisitor work another miracle”.

Gabby’s stomach turned. “I can’t…” she swallowed. “How can I pretend to be something I’m not?”

“I think that _the 'Inquisitor and her Warden friend survived by the skin of their teeth'_ wouldn’t exactly be as good for morale as just letting them believe their stories” Alistair said.

Gabby nodded, but it felt _wrong_. She felt like a pretender.

A messenger approached them. “Inquisitor! The dragon flew off as soon as you disappeared. The Venatori magister is unconscious but alive. Cullen thought you might wish to deal with him yourself”

 _Cullen,_ Gabby thought, _so he’s alive and well._ She felt immense relief at hearing that.

“As for the wardens,” the messenger said, “those who weren’t corrupted helped us fight the demons”

A warden had now joined in the conversation, and he put his fist to his chest. “We stand ready to help make up for Clarel’s… tragic mistake” he said.

From the corner of her eyes she saw movement. When she turned her head, she saw Varric running towards her. Her heart jumped in gratitude. “Varric! You’re alive!” she exclaimed, overjoyed to see her friend was unharmed.

“Where’s Hawke?” Varric asked, his eyes filled with worry.

Gabby’s heart dropped again. “Hawke… Hawke died in order for the rest of us to make it out alive” she said, trying to make her voice sound strong but the look in Varric’s eyes broke her heart in that moment.

“Well…” Varric said, sounding more defeated than Gabby could ever imagine, and he walked away with his shoulders slumped.

“Varric…” Gabby said, reaching for him, but the dwarf didn’t respond.

It was all she could do to keep herself from falling apart again in that moment. She forced herself to turn to the Wardens gathered around her, and spoke to them. She told them they did terrible things, that they made grave mistakes and too many people died for those mistakes, but that she understood their desperation. That she would grant them a second chance, that they would be allowed to rebuild the order under Alistair’s leadership, but that they would aid in the battle against Corypheus first.

Alistair smiled at her sadly. “Well, I suppose this is goodbye, Inquisitor. Good luck. Tell Morrigan… well, just tell her I stood there looking foolish”. Gabby smiled back, but like everything else about her, her smile was fake. It hurt to look around, to see all the bodies on the floor, all the people who had died for the Inquisition, for _her,_ believing her to be the herald of Andraste, to be something s _he was not_.

Her eyes moved over the crowd, searching, until she found the person she’d been searching for. Cullen stood just a few steps behind her. He was covered in blood, his sword was still in his hand. Cassandra was talking to him, no doubt summarising for him everything that had happened in the Fade. Gabby didn’t know if it was his own need to hold her or that he recognised the pain in her eyes, but when their eyes met, he dropped his sword on the ground and surged forward, towards her.

He immediately drew her in the protective circle of his arms, sliding one around her waist and placing his other hand on the back of her head as she buried her face in the fur around his shoulders. She sobbed and shook, and he made soft, soothing sounds in her ear.

“I’m here” he said, “You’re safe”.

Safe.

_Am I safe?_

* * *

 

When they finally arrived back at Griffon Wing keep, Cullen walked Gabby back to her room, never letting go of her hand. Whatever anybody might think of that, it didn’t seem to matter to him. He’d told her how glad he was to find that she was alive, how afraid he had been that he might have lost her.

 _Maybe it would have been better if you had,_ she could only think. Hawke was now dead because of her. Fenris had lost the man he loved, Varric had lost one of his closest friends. All because of her. Because she hadn’t been strong enough. Because she’d had the arrogant notion that she could do it all, that she had Andraste watching over her. She’d been deluded, too easy to throw herself and her friends into danger. She realised now she was nothing but a foolish girl, like the fear demon had said, playing at things far greater than she could handle. Hawke had died from that foolishness. People died from her mistakes, others got hurt. She did nothing but destroy lives.

So she didn’t say anything to him. She wanted him to leave, but she was too weak to ask him to, too selfish. She loathed herself for not being able to make the choice that would be better for him, but would hurt herself.

They paused at the door to her room. “You should rest” Cullen said, stroking her cheek with his thumb. His touch made her tremble, and she closed her eyes and swallowed at the lump that formed in her throat.

“I could stay with you?” Cullen said softly. “If you want me to”.

Gabby opened her eyes, and when she saw the look in his eyes, so filled with affection, not a trace of judgement, she stepped back, away from him. She should be alone, she wanted to cry and drown in her self-loathing.  “You don’t have to” she said, almost inaudibly.

His brow furrowed in worry, and he reached for her again. “I do” he said, “and I can see that you shouldn’t be alone right now”.

Gabby could feel herself coming apart then, so she spun around to escape into her room. Inside, she dropped down on her knees on the floor and covered her face with her hands while she cried. His arms were around her almost immediately. His touch was getting familiar now when she was upset, she realised. That wasn’t how it was supposed to be. She was supposed to be strong, the fearless leader, the confident Inquisitor. She was none of those things, just a snivelling girl who needed a man to comfort her much too often. She hated it. She hated herself.

“Cullen, please, don’t…” she sobbed, and his arms tightened around her in response.

“There’s no need to carry all of this on your own, I’ve told you that” he whispered while softly stroking her hair. “I’m here, and I care for you. You can be strong tomorrow. Tonight, with me, you don’t have to be”.

And so she cried, harder than she had in a long while, and he tried to comfort her. But she could find no comfort.

 _How often will he say that to me,_ she thought to herself, _before he tires of trying to save me? How long before he, for the sake of his own sanity, chooses to let me go?_ His arms should have made her feel safe, loved, but all she could think about was how Hawke would never be in the arms of his love again, how Fenris would now have to go through life without the man he loved.

She pushed at Cullen, whispering “Cullen, please, I need…”

He shook his head. “You need to stop. If I leave you alone right now, all you will do is beat yourself up over what happened. Hawke was a good man, and he will be missed, but he did what any of us would have done. His death was _not_ your fault”.

For a fraction of a second, Gabby almost let herself believe what he was saying. And then the voice in the back of her mind whispered _of course, anything to make yourself feel better. A man died because of you, but what’s important now is that you feel good about yourself._

Gabby squeezed her eyes shut to stop more tears from flowing. She shook her head. _SHUT UP!_ She shouted desperately in her head, willing her mind to stop torturing her.

And then there was silence. In her mind and in her heart. Her tears stopped, her shaking stopped. What was left was emptiness.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a short chapter, to conclude part 3 of this story.   
> Some dark stuff is coming up guys, but I promise things will be looking up for Gabby after that.


	20. Crash - Aftermath

The trip back to Skyhold was long, and morale was low despite their victory. Too many people had died, and everybody felt it. Everybody but Gabriela.

She hardly spoke in the weeks travelling back. She pushed away any thought of what had happened, any feeling that would make her lose herself once again. She spent most of her time when not travelling in her tent, choosing to eat her meals in solitude rather than around the campfire with her friends. It cost her too much energy to socialise, and most of all she didn’t want to be confronted with the grief that was so apparent in many eyes.

Cullen came to her tent the first few nights, asking if there was anything he could do for her, but she told him each time that she needed to be alone. At first it seemed like he would keep trying to get through to her, but then he stopped and left her to be alone. It was better that way, Gabby thought, the last thing he needed was to be dragged down into darkness with her.

When they finally rode through Skyhold’s gate, Gabby handed her horse over to the stable hand and headed for her room without a word. Halfway there, she was stopped by Jenna, who threw her arms around Gabby.

“You’re alive! I’m so happy to see you. We heard about the battle and were so worried about you! Did you really go into the Fade?” the girl said, the words spilling out of her.

Gabby smiled weakly. “I did. But I would rather not speak of it. I need some rest, actually” she said, patting Jenna on the shoulder.

“Oh, um, of course my lady, I’m sorry. I will… leave you alone then” Jenna said, unsure of herself.

Gabby left without another word.

When she entered her room, she moved to close the curtains, then went to her desk to pour herself a glass of brandy. She took the glass and lowered herself on the sofa.

She sat there for the rest of the day, slowly getting drunk, not moving aside from getting a refill once in a while. There were several knocks on her door, but she ignored them. She was empty, and she washed away any remains of her pain with the brandy. She had no intention of getting up, today or tomorrow or any other day. When something in her mind whispered that she had responsibilities, she pushed that away too.

She was tired, more tired than she’d ever felt, and when sun set, she let herself fall onto her bed. The room spun around her and her breathing was heavy from the alcohol, and she fell asleep quickly.

She woke up too quickly as well, feeling like she’d only closed her eyes moments ago but the sun was already high in the sky, meaning it was already midday. Somebody was banging on her door loudly. She raised herself from the mattress, already regretting doing it so fast because her head began pounding. She was still wearing her armour, she was still covered in dirt from the trip, and she didn’t care.

The banging continued, and Gabby slowly shuffled towards the staircase leading down to the door. She held onto the railing while descending, and when she was finally at the door, she unlocked it and opened it. It was Dorian, and he looked utterly annoyed. His eyes widened when he saw the state she was in.

“You look _fantastic_ ” he said sarcastically, “is that a new look? Did it come with your decision to now isolate yourself from the world completely?”

Gabby sighed. “What do you want, Dorian?” she said, her voice sounding hoarse.

“My dear, everybody is asking for you. Your advisors have been trying to get to in the war room, to discuss what happened at Adamant. Cullen has been walking around like an injured puppy, and your friends missed you at the tavern last night. Are you planning on staying here until you die of old age?”

Gabby felt a pang of guilt and she shook her head. “I’m sorry, Dorian, I just… I don’t know…”

Dorian put his hand on her shoulder. “I know, dear. Adamant was trying for all of us, but for you the most, I think. But you can’t hide from the world. There are still people who need you”.

 _Who think they need you,_ her mind whispered, and yet again she pushed the thought away.

“Give me an hour” she said. “I need to… I need to pull myself together. And tell my advisors I’ll meet them then”

“Glad to hear it” Dorian said. “And I promise, you’ll get through it. It might take some time, but you will. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for”

* * *

After Gabby had washed up and changed her clothing, she headed to the war room, dreading having to rehash the events at Adamant. When she entered the great hall, she spotted Varric. He was standing in front of the hearth, looking into the fire. His shoulders were slumped, and Gabby felt her heart break for her friend once again.

She slowly walked towards him, and Varric apparently heard her, because without turning around he started talking.

“Did I ever tell you about the time Hawke was on a Merchant Guild hit list?” he said, his voice sad. “Hawke’s uncle got into an investment scheme with a couple of Merchant Caste businessmen. They took a lot of people’s coin in order to arrange the import of wandering hills from the Anderfells. A delicacy, I’m told”.

He turned around now to look at Gabby, and she swallowed at the lump in her throat. “Their weird, foreign foodstuffs arrived… alive. And one of them, true to its name, wandered off in the middle of the night” his voice broke at the end of that sentence, and Gabby leaned forward to hug her friend, a tear rolling down her cheek.

“I’m so, so sorry, Varric…” she whispered, knowing that was not nearly enough.

“Shit…” Varric said with a sigh, and then continued his story. “The guild… traced the shipment to Hawke’s uncle, but as usual, he was so far in debt he couldn’t see daylight. So they went after Hawke instead. They sent guys from the local Carta to Hawke’s estate one night. Five big dusters, armed to the teeth. They kick in the door, and Hawke yells ‘ _you’re just in time!’_ and drags them over to a game of Wicked Grace. They played two hands of cards before the city guard showed up to take them away. A couple of them became regulars in a weekly game. Hawke just… had that effect on people” he lowered his eyes with another deep sigh. “I always wanted to tell that one. Thanks. I guess I got some letters to write. Bethany should be told. Excuse me”

He walked off then, leaving Gabby utterly heartbroken. _You did this,_ her mind whispered, _you caused his pain._ She closed her eyes and tried to push the thoughts away, but her strength was fading. So she tried to ignore it while continuing to the war room.

Leliana, Josephine and Cullen were already waiting for her. Gabby looked at Cullen, expecting him to be watching her with worried eyes, but what she saw instead startled her. He had dark purple circles under his eyes, the lines in his face seemed deeper, and his hands were on the edge of the table, pressed against the wood so hard that his knuckles were white.

“Glad to see you decided to show your face” Leliana said, not entirely unfriendly. It almost seemed as if she was genuinely glad to see Gabby.

Gabby shrugged. “Let’s get this over with” she said.

So they talked. About Adamant, about the Fade, about the Wardens. Gabby told them everything, including how weak she was in the Fade and how she wasn’t sent by Andraste. The three people in front of her were silent.

“Well…” Leliana started. “In the end, this was a victory for us. Let’s not forget that. Corypheus has retreated for now. And our victories have shaken his disciples”

“Your actions at Adamant denied Corypheus his army of pet demons” Cullen said, and Gabby was startled again by how exhausted he sounded. “And with Orlais support, our numbers match his”.

Gabby nodded. “Where is Corypheus now?” she asked.

“He’s moving south to the Arbor Wilds” Cullen said, “His army clearly wasn’t prepared to flee. Our victories have them on the defensive”.

“If he’s hiding in the Arbor Wilds, then that’s where we’ll finish him” Gabby said, not nearly as confident as she sounded.

“But what is Corypheus doing in such a remote area?” Josephine asked.

“His people have been ransacking Elven ruins since Haven” Leliana said, “We believe he seeks more. What he hopes to find, however, continues to elude us”.

“Which should surprise no one” Morrigan’s voice sounded, and Gabby turned around to see the witch moving to stand beside her. _How long has she been standing there?_ Gabby wondered, feeling slightly embarrassed.

“Fortunately,” Morrigan continued, “I can assist”.

“What do you know?” Gabby asked.

“What Corypheus seeks in those forgotten woods is as ancient as it is dangerous”.

“What is it then?” Gabby asked.

“’t is best… If I show you”

* * *

What Morrigan had shown Gabby had intrigued as much as terrified her. She’d never known something like that mirror to exist, and if Corypheus managed to get his hands on one of them, they were doomed. If that was what was hidden in the Arbor Wilds, they would have to move fast.

Gabby sighed and closed her eyes. She wished she could just sleep, forget about all of this. As much as this life excited her at first, being a hero, saving lives, now it was a burden that seemed to become heavier with every step.

She was on her way to Cullen’s office, to tell him about what Morrigan had shown her, and to see how he was doing. As exhausted as she was and as much as she wanted to just go back to her chambers and sleep some more, her worry for Cullen outweighed that.

She climbed the stairs to his office, and stepped through the open door just as Cullen growled and threw an object towards her. Gabby jumped away just in time and the wooden box crashed into the doorframe.

Cullen gasped. “Maker’s breath! I didn’t hear you enter! I…” he raised his hand to rub his temple and closed his eyes. “Forgive me” he said in a low voice.

“I’m fine” Gabby said, still shaken up. She moved closer to him. “Cullen, what is going on? Are you alright? Is it the Lyrium withdrawal?”

“You don’t have to…” Cullen started to say, but then groaned and grabbed the edge of his desk in support.

“Cullen!” Gabby exclaimed, now really worried about him. She reached for him but he shook her away.

“I told you what happened at Ferelden’s circle” he said. “I can’t escape it”. He sounded irritated, but whether at her or at himself, Gabby couldn’t tell. She kept her distance now, crossing her arms to keep her heart inside her chest.

“You need to rest, Cullen. You’re exhausted, we all are. And you’ve been pushing yourself to the limit” she said in a small voice.

“Don’t!” Cullen snarled, and Gabby recoiled from the tone in his voice. “You should be questioning what I’ve done”

“Cullen, I already knew about all of that! Why would I start judging you for things you did in your past _now_?!” Gabby said, a hint of desperation in her voice.

Cullen sighed. “I’ve asked Cassandra to relieve me of my duties”

Gabby gasped, feeling panic rise up. “No! Why?!”

He shook his head. “She refused”. Gabby immediately felt relieved, but Cullen gritted his teeth. “I thought this would be better. That I would regain some control over my life. But these thoughts won’t _leave_ me. How many lives depend on our success? I swore myself to this cause. I will _not_ give less to the Inquisition than I did the Chantry. I should be taking it!”.

He curled his hand into a fist and slammed it into the frame of his bookcase with such force that several books fell out and onto the floor. “I should be taking it…” he whispered, his voice sounding as broken as Gabby felt. She moved closer to him, reaching for his face and he raised his tired eyes to look at her.

“What do _you_ want, Cullen?” she simply asked.

He sighed. “Not this. I wanted to be free of the Chantry. But these memories have always haunted me. If they become worse, if… if I cannot endure this…”

Gabby silenced him by tenderly kissing him on the lips. “You are one of the strongest men I’ve ever met, Cullen” she said softly. “I know you can”.

Cullen exhaled and closed his eyes. “Alright…” he said weakly.

Gabby stroked his cheek with her thumb. “You should really rest, Cullen. That's an order. The world can wait for a day”.

He nodded, and slowly moved towards his ladder.

Gabby watched him, wondering if she’d done the right thing.


	21. Crash - Darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING!  
> Detailed description of a suicidal thought process in this chapter.

While walking away from Cullen’s office, Gabriela looked down into the courtyard. She saw how Cassandra was hitting bull with a stick, and she remembered him telling her that Qunari warriors did that to deal with fear. _Everybody is broken,_ she thought to herself, _would all of this have happened if they’d had a stronger leader?_

She passed through Solas’ rotunda on her way back to her chambers, and she nodded at the elf in greeting.

“Inquisitor” Solas said in a cold voice. “Tell me, how does it feel?”.

Gabby froze and turned to face him. “W-what?” she asked.

“Being you” Solas said, the expression in his face so filled with disgust that Gabby could almost physically feel it. “Are you blissfully unaware or, deep inside, is some part of you banging on the walls, screaming?”

Gabby suddenly felt like there wasn’t enough oxygen in the room. Her eyes widened, her jaw dropped. _How did he-?_

“Have I… offended you in some way?” she said, her voice coming out small and fragile.

“Oh, in some way, yes” Solas said, “Although I should watch my tone. I speak to a demigod, after all. The chosen of Andraste. Do you enjoy the worship? Does it make you feel infallible, or do you see them as fools, gullible for their belief? You give them a lie! Pride, defence, love of family, even the concept of the Inquisition, those are real things. You do them no favours by keeping them ignorant. But then, ignorance must be so appealing to you”

Gabby didn’t know if he knew how deep his words cut her. Probably without realising it, he had just laid out all of her fears on the table and she was about to break down yet again, but she refused to do it while being attacked.

Solas ruthlessly continued. “Are you pleased to have the Grey Wardens at your side? Do you wish you could join their proud little cult? How long, you think, before their next attempt to control something beyond their comprehension?”

The room started spinning around Gabby and she desperately tried to fight off her panic. “the Wardens deserve a second chance”, she croaked, “to redeem themselves”.

“Their only purpose is to protect the world from something they do not understand, something that corrupts them!” Solas snarled. “I should thank you, Inquisitor. I had spent time with few of your people before this. From the stories, I thought you all thuggish, simple and crude. Now? Now I know I was right. You have no idea what a comfort that is”

“Will you two keep it down?” Dorian’s voice came from behind Gabby, and she spun around to see him standing, arms crossed in front of him, with a bored look on his face.

“This does not concern you” Solas snarled.

Dorian huffed. “Then I suggest you take your insults somewhere else the next time. I was trying to read a book, but your voice was getting hard to ignore. Now I think you’ve taunted Gabriela enough for one day, haven’t you?”

Solas scoffed, and waved his arm at them dismissively before turning his back.

Dorian followed Gabby to the main hall, and put a hand on her back. “Are you alright, my dear?”

“I can’t…” Gabby sobbed, “I need to go. I need to be alone”. And she fled. Up the stairs to her chambers, through the door which she locked behind her, to collapse onto the floor in complete self-hatred.

She spent the next day as she had the day before, staring into emptiness on her sofa with her brandy. She was grateful to have an ample supply of it, though she seemed to be going through it rather fast. She ignored the knocks and pounding on her door, the voices calling her name. She ignored her stomach, that was loudly complaining for being empty. She tried to ignore the thoughts that kept intruding her mind, but she was getting less and less adept at that.

On the second day, she was startled by a voice behind her, so much that it made her fall off her sofa. The amount of alcohol in her system probably played a part in that as well.

“Bright, so bright at first, like staring into the sun. But now there’s only darkness, in you, around you. I try to help, but you don’t want help. You need to swim, but you want to drown. Why?”

“Cole?!” Gabby gasped. “Maker’s breath, you should give some heads up before you just show up in somebody’s bedroom”.

“You were not doing anything, I checked first. I was listening. But it was silent, empty. People try to get in, but you push them out. I do not understand”

“Cole, please. I just need to be alone” Gabby said, pressing her hands to her temples against the headache that was coming up and closing her eyes.

“How can you change like that? From so bright, to so dark?”

“Cole, _please!”_ Gabby said desperately. She didn’t get a response. When she opened her eyes, Cole was gone. She sighed in relief, lifting herself from the ground and lowering herself on the sofa again. She fell asleep soon after that.

When she woke up, it was dark outside. She raised herself from the sofa, ignoring the headache as best as she could, and walked to her desk to fill her glass again. She stretched her back, which ached from sleeping on her sofa. Her clothes felt tight, stiff, so she took them off and changed into her nightgown. She walked onto her balcony with her glass in her hand.

The sounds coming from the tavern told her it was not that late yet. She thought of her friends, drinking and laughing together, probably playing a game or two of Wicked Grace. Or maybe not, since her once so tightly bound group of companions seemed to be falling apart. _Bull, Varric, Solas, Cole, Blackwall, Cullen…_ She couldn’t see herself sitting at that table again with them, playing games, telling stories. Too much had happened, she was too broken. And by the sounds of laughter coming from the tavern, _they wouldn’t even miss you_.

Gabriela drained her glass of brandy, and as she lowered her hand the glass slid from it and shattered on the floor. She didn’t flinch. The sound of breaking glass was drowned out by the voice in her mind that she was now unable to supress.

 _People love me when I’m showing them the face they love to see, but the moment they see my darkness, they always turn their backs_. _So either I will always have to fight to keep people close to me, or fight to get through life alone. I have to fight to do the right things, and I have to fight to keep myself from doing the wrong things. I’m always fighting to stay alive, to stay afloat. It doesn’t matter what I do, I will always be fighting. I’m so tired… how can I continue doing this? How could anybody expect me to save the world in this state?_

She lifted herself onto the balustrade in a thoughtless movement, putting her feet down onto it and straightening herself. She was literally standing on the edge of the world now. She stared into the blackness of the night. _The fear demon was right. I’m empty. I’ve no more to give. I could just take one step forward, and it would be over. I wouldn’t have to fight anymore. I can’t fight anymore, I’m just too tired… Just one step._ She trembled as the thought crossed her mind, and fear and hope mingled in her heart. _I wouldn’t feel it,_ she thought, _I would lose consciousness long before I hit the ground._ She drew in a deep breath of cold air, and a feeling of serenity washed over her.

Her eyes snapped open in surprise when a strong hand grabbed her arm and pulled, making her lose her balance and fall back onto the balcony. Cullen caught her, locking his arms around her with iron strength. His eyes were wild, filled with fear.

“Maker’s breath, what are you doing?!” he said in a loud, breathy voice. He was out of breath, she noticed, as if he’d come running to her chambers.

“Why must you insist on saving me every time I break down?” she said, her voice sounding numb.

“Cole came to me, he said… the things he told me, they frightened me. Tell me he wasn’t right, that you weren’t going to…” Cullen had trouble finishing his sentence.

Gabby lowered her eyes and started to tremble. She was unable to talk. She’d already asked too much of him, he’d seen her break down too often. But as she should have expected, Cullen didn’t accept her silence.

“Gabriela! Talk to me!” he demanded from her, his voice desperate.

“Cullen, I’m so tired” she whispered. “I’m not strong enough. All I do is let people down. I just want… I can’t fight anymore, Cullen. You could find a better Inquisitor, someone who is better than I could ever be…”

“STOP!” Cullen snapped at her, and he shook her hard. The force of his reaction and the fear in his eyes baffled her. “You need to stop this, Gabriela! Just stop saying these things, they’re not true. You did not let anybody down. In your position, with your responsibilities, everybody understands that you have trouble sometimes with keeping yourself together. And you can hide away your scars as much as you’d like, but that doesn’t make them disappear. You’re allowed to let go sometimes, break down, just allow those who care about you to help you back up when you do. Everybody here believes in you, even if you do not. You have not ruined _anything_ ”.

Gabby’s eyes were filling with tears again, and she wiped them away fervently. She was so tired of crying all the time, of people having to catch her, save her from her bad choices. She tried to pull away from him, but his arms held her in place.

“Cullen, please… I’m sure you have a lot of work to do, and I don’t want to keep you from it. I need some time to think too”, she whimpered.

He shook his head stubbornly. “I’m staying here tonight. You will not be alone. You need somebody to protect you from yourself right now”.

He did not allow her to refuse him, even though she tried, and he lifted her into his arms to carry her to her bed. He lowered her into it, tucked the blanket around her and then turned around. He strode to the balcony doors, closed them and locked them, putting the key in his pocket.

He turned back to Gabriela, walked over to her, lowered himself next to the bed and pressed a soft kiss against her forehead. “You need sleep, Gabby. We will talk about things tomorrow. We will ask Cole. Maybe he can help you” he whispered. Gabby just blinked at him in response. Cullen raised himself onto his feet again, and looked around. “I will be right there, on the sofa. I will be here all night, so just tell me if you need anything at all”.

“Cullen...” Gabby whispered when he walked towards the sofa, and he halted, looking back at her questioningly. “Please, just join me in the bed. You need sleep, too, and that sofa is not as comfortable as it looks”.

He hesitated for a moment, looking from the bed to the sofa and back, and then nodded. He shed only his boots and kept on his linen tunic and breeches as he crawled into the bed next to her, and she immediately pressed herself against him when his body dropped onto the mattress. He circled his arms around her again, holding her close to him. She suddenly felt overcome with gratitude, that he chose to save her, that he stayed with her.

She fell asleep with him pressing small kisses on her forehead, cheekbone and jaw.


	22. Crash - Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally!  
> This chapter is NSFW.
> 
> Sorry for bombing you with chapters, guys, I've had a lot of material ready for weeks :p  
> Enjoy! I know I did :)

Gabby woke up with the moon still high in the dark sky outside, and the first thing she felt was Cullen’s warm body against hers. She scanned his face in the dark, and even with limited view the sight of him took her breath away. She was a little sleep-drunk still, and it felt like a dream to have this man in her bed. Without thinking about it, she pulled her sleeping gown over her head and pressed her lips on his.

Cullen made a low humming sound when she deepened her kiss. His arms pulled her tight against him and his mouth opened to allow her tongue entry. He was still half-asleep too, she knew, because he wouldn’t have allowed this so easily otherwise. Her hands slid under his tunic, her fingers softly gliding over the muscles of his abdomen before traveling to his back. She felt a wetness spread between her legs as quickly as her heart sped up, and she pushed herself half on top of him while pushing her leg between his. His eyes fluttered open, and Gabby felt the lump in her throat when she realised he was completely awake now. Though his body betrayed him as she felt his manhood harden against her leg, she knew he would not go through with this.

And as sure as she’d predicted it, he pulled back and whispered “Gabriela, don’t…”.

Gabby stroked his cheek with a trembling hand. “Cullen, please, I’ve wanted this for so long. I love you, Cullen, I just…”.

Cullen’s eyes had grown wide and Gabby held her breath when she realised what she’d just said.

“What did you just say?”

Gabby immediately regretted her confession. “I… it’s nothing, forget I said anything…” she stuttered, drawing away from him. His hands were strong, though, easily strong enough to keep her where she was, and in a movement so fast that it made her head spin, Cullen had rolled them over. She was now on her back, and he was on top of her.

“Don’t ask me to forget that” he whispered, and kissed her.

His kiss seemed desperate, somehow, and he whispered against her lips “I love you too, Gabriela. More than I ever would have thought. And I worry for you, for the things you make yourself believe, for what those thought do to you”.

Gabby’s heart seemed to stop at his words, and her lips found comfort against his, whispering in between kisses “All I can think about right now is you”.

Cullen’s hands travelled to her hips, sliding along her skin, letting out a small gasp when he seemed to finally realise she was mostly naked beneath him. Gabby’s breathing sped when she felt the rough skin of Cullen’s hands travel over her body, and she pressed her pelvis upward, pushing herself against his hardness. He gasped again, his fingers digging into the skin of her waist. His lips found the spot just below her jaw, and he sucked on the skin there, drawing a small moan from her. Her hands on his back clutched at his tunic, frantically pulling the fabric up. He chuckled, raised his upper body and pulled the tunic over his head, throwing it on the floor next to the bed and revealing his perfect muscled chest.

“You are too good to be true” Gabby whispered, letting her eyes and hands travel over his body, and he grinned before lowering himself and continuing his passionate kisses on her throat, neck, and collarbone. She started fumbling with his breeches now, growing more impatient. She wanted to feel all of him, every part. She wanted to feel him inside her. She moaned again when his mouth found her nipple, and sucked softly. She’d managed to undo the buttons of his breeches, and his hands left her skin for a moment to shed the article of clothing while keeping his mouth locked around her nipple. His tongue was playing with it now, and her eyes rolled back in pleasure.

There was the soft sound of fabric hitting the floor, and his hips came down against hers again. She realised with delight he’d taken his undergarments off with his breeches. His fully erect manhood was now free to rub against her soaked smallclothes, and when he felt how wet she was already, he growled softly.

He sat up again, his fingers sliding down her body to hook into the fabric of her smallclothes and in a smooth motion he pulled them down her legs. He discarded them on top of the pile of clothes that now lay on the floor. He sat still for a moment, his eyes dark as they took in the view of her naked body underneath his, and he said “Maker, you’re so beautiful…”.

Her fingers were softly scratching at his hips, pleading him to lower himself again, and he obliged eagerly. “Cullen…” she moaned into his ear while he planted his kisses on her throat again, “Cullen, make love to me, please, Cullen, I need it, I need you…”.

Cullen chuckled softly, his breath on her skin giving her goose bumps. She gasped when suddenly she felt his finger on her clitoris, and he started rubbing small circles on it. “You certainly are ready for it” he said in a low, husky voice.

His finger disappeared and she felt a second of disappointment before she realised he was positioning himself over her. His hands moved to cup her cheeks, his forehead touched her forehead. His eyes were locked on hers, and in that moment it felt like he was staring straight into her soul. It was too much for Gabby, there were things there that she didn’t want him to see. She trembled again, her chest getting tight.

He rubbed the tip of his manhood between her slick folds softly, and then he entered. Gabby felt the tension slip away almost instantly. He lowered himself slowly, and Gabby held her breath and closed her eyes, lifting her hips to allow him to push himself inside of her as deep as he could. His eyes closed as well and he gasped “Maker’s breath”. He stayed still for a moment, trembling softly, and he opened his eyes to look at her with as much intensity as he had before.

“I love you so much, Gabriela” he said, and the tightness in Gabby’s chest was back instantly. How could this perfect, handsome, good man love her like that? She didn’t feel like she deserved his devotion, she, who could do nothing but drive people away, make the worst choices. His intensity scared her, and broke her heart. How could she, after this night, ever dare to walk away from him? And an even more terrifying thought - how could she ever survive if he walked away from her now?

A low sob escaped Gabby’s throat and Cullen tensed immediately. “My love?” he said, his voice filled with worry. She closed her eyes to escape his gaze. “Look at me, please” he pleaded with her. “Am I hurting you? Do you want me to stop?”.

A tear rolled down Gabby’s cheek as she opened her eyes. “Don’t ever stop” she whispered to him, and lifted her head to kiss him. She pressed her fingers into his skin in a silent plea for him to start moving. So he did, pulling out slowly, almost all the way out, before lowering himself all the way inside again. His eyes never left hers, and she saw the determination in them to analyse her every move, to make sure she was alright. And as long as he was moving inside of her, she was.

They found a rhythm together, and soon it was like there was nothing that existed outside their bubble of pure physical and emotional ecstasy. Cullen’s hands didn’t leave any part of her body untouched, travelling from her thighs to her buttocks, over her belly and around her waist to her back to pull her against him before moving a hand to her breast. Gabby was clutching to him with everything she had, pressing her nails into his shoulders, kissing and sucking the skin of his throat whenever he lowered himself enough for her to reach him.

A thin layer of sweat formed on their bodies. Sounds left Gabby’s lips in the form of moans, gasps and Cullen’s name, and he would groan in response, whispering “I love you…” into her ear over and over again. Her body, heart and mind were engulfed in an ocean of pure pleasure as Cullen filled her body and her soul, until there was nothing left inside her but _him._  

She reached climax suddenly, pressing her nails in his skin deeper while her eyes rolled back and her entire body twitched. He inhaled sharply and winced from the pain of her nails, but when he heard her moan loudly his face spread into a wide grin. Her twitching and tightening around his manhood drew him over the edge as well, and he slammed into her one last time with a deep groan. Gabby felt him spilling his warm seed deep inside her, his manhood throbbing, and she tilted her hips up him to deepen their contact once more.

“Maker,” Cullen gasped, completely out of breath, “That was incredible”. Gabby nodded and sighed contentedly in response, her eyes closing. Her hands pulled at him, urging him to lay himself down, and he shifted just enough to crash onto the mattress next to her and pull her into a warm embrace. He pressed his lips against her temple, and stroked her back softly. She shivered under his touch.

“Gabriela?” Cullen asked softly after a moment of silence. She opened her eyes with a smile to look at him inquiringly, and found the eyes staring back at her to be filled with sorrow. Her smile faltered.

“I can’t lose you” he whispered, his breath shaky. A lump formed in Gabby’s throat. She knew very well what he was saying, what he was desperately asking of her. She nodded numbly, unable to respond. “Say it,” he pleaded, “I want to hear you promise that you will not hurt yourself”. A tear rolled down her cheek and her whole body started trembling again. “Please…” he urged, pulling her against him tightly.

“I…” Gabby’s voice broke and she swallowed hard. “I promise…” she whimpered, and buried her face into his chest. “I promise I won’t hurt myself” she said, almost inaudibly.

Cullen pressed a kiss against her hair. “Thank you,” he responded, “I needed to hear that. I love you, Gabriela”.

“I love you too, Cullen” she said softly, and they both fell into a deep sleep only seconds later.


	23. Recovery - Future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things will be looking up from now on!  
> Enjoy!

Gabriela woke up the next morning with a splitting headache. It took a moment for her to realise that she was still in Cullen’s embrace, his one arm circling around her waist with his hand under her body, the fingers entwined with her own. Her other hand was against his chest. His other hand was on her bum. Their legs were entangled as well. It was the most intimate embrace she could have woken up in, and the most impossible one to get out of.

She tried anyway, and miraculously untangled herself from him without waking him. He must have been exhausted too, she realised, remembering how hard his Lyrium withdrawal had been on him lately. She reached down to grab her night gown from the floor and lifted it over her head, then tiptoed to the balcony. She needed some fresh air. When she tried to open the door she realised it was still locked and the key was in Cullen’s pocket. She saw the broken glass on the floor outside, and sighed. She’d have to clean that. She turned around and spotted Cullen’s trousers, and dropped onto her knees to search his pockets for the key. When she found it, her head lifted to look at her lover still sleeping serenely in her bed.

She held her breath and trembled, and felt tears prickle in her eyes. She’d fallen for him, hard and fast, and they’d spent an amazing night together. But there it was again, that choking fear that he would regret it, or worse, that he wouldn’t and she would have the time with him to fall even further before doing something stupid to mess it up.

She didn’t see a future. She didn’t dare to see one. _False hope,_ her treacherous mind whispered, and she closed her eyes and forced back the tears. They spilled anyway. She raised a hand to her face and whimpered softly, and she cursed herself silently when she heard Cullen move on the bed.

“Gabriela? My love? What’s wrong?” he said in an sleepy but alarmed voice. She opened her eyes to look at him and wiped away the tears. Guilt was the next thing to wash over her when she saw the worry in his wide eyes and followed his eyes to where they landed on the hand that held the balcony key, remembering the promise he made her make the night before.

“Nothing, it’s… nothing” she said. She dropped the key immediately. “I was going to clean the glass from the balcony”. She tried to make her voice sound steady. He moved to the edge of the bed and his hand reached down to stroke her cheek.

“Truly?” he asked, sounding doubtful.

“Truly” she responded without making eye contact.

“Come back to bed,” he pleaded, “nobody’s going out on that balcony anytime soon. You can clean it later”.

She nodded slowly, and lifted herself to allow him to pull her back into bed with him. She still avoided his gaze. It bothered him, apparently, because he cupped his hand under her chin and pulled her face up. “Look at me, love” he whispered. She complied. His golden eyes were filled with nothing but love. Her heart melted and her muscles relaxed. He smiled when he felt the tension leave her body. His eyes glinted when he said “So it wasn’t a dream, then. I’m glad. It would be a cruel Maker to send you to me in the Fade only to take you away from me in the waking world”.

Gabby smiled in response and closed her eyes again. She pushed her fear away from her, allowing his presence to surround her completely. She drew in his scent, and sighed.

Far too soon to her liking, there was a knock at the door. “Gabriela?” a voice sounded from the bottom of the stairs, and before she could send Jenna away, the girl had reached the top of the stairs already. “Oh my! Oh my, I’m so sorry my lady, I’m so, so sorry…” Jenna stammered, but she couldn’t seem to drag her widened eyes away.

Gabby sighed. “It’s fine, Jenna. I’m sorry you had to find us like this. What is it?”.

“Ummm…” Jenna said, unable to find words. “Varric, he um… asked me to see if you were well. He seemed worried. I think now that maybe he was just jesting with me”. She finally tore her eyes away and looked at something random in the corner, her face red as an apple.

Gabby looked at Cullen. “I suppose we should make an appearance. You worried a lot of your friends the past few days, with the state you were in” he said softly. Gabby felt another pang of guilt, nodded and turned her eyes to Jenna.

“Jenna, please tell Varric I will break my fast with him. I will come to the great hall in a few moments” Gabby said.

Jenna nodded fervently, and ran down the stairs, seeming happy to leave. “I forgot to tell you I broke your lock when I came into your room last night. Poor girl” Cullen whispered into Gabby’s ear, and she chuckled. Her chuckle turned into a soft moan when he suckled on her earlobe.

“Poor girl? Do you have any idea how many women in this keep would give an arm to see you like this?” she teased, poking her finger against his sternum. He grabbed her hand to stop her and raised it to his lips.

“Well, you are a lucky woman, then” he said with smile. “Take one last look then if you must. I would have stayed with you for the rest of the day, but you just made Master Tethras a promise. And I should return to my duties as well. Messengers will be swarming into my office in only moments”.

Gabby kissed him hurriedly and stroked his cheekbone with her thumb. “Please join me for breakfast? You need nourishment, Cullen. I know you haven’t been eating or sleeping well. We tackled the sleeping problem for now, now let me help you with the eating problem”.

Cullen sighed, but smiled, and said “well, alright, then”.

* * *

They walked down to the main hall hand in hand, Gabby feeling immensely proud to have him by her side, not as an advisor but as her partner. When they entered the main hall, many eyes raised and stared at them. Varric approached them, and for a moment, Gabby feared being confronted with his grief again, with the choice that she had made. Cullen must have felt that, because he softly squeezed her hand. She looked up at him, and he smiled warmly.

“Took you two long enough” Varric said casually, before reaching to hug Gabby, a hug that she happily returned. “Glad to see you’re doing better, Freckles” he whispered into her ear.

When they broke the embrace, Gabby swallowed and asked “how are you, Varric?”.

He shrugged. “I’m alright, considering”.

Gabby inhaled deeply before saying “I feel horrible, Varric, I wish I could do something to make it better, to…”

Varric sighed. “Maybe we should sit down for this” he said softly, looking behind him. Gabby looked too, and saw that there were still people staring at them. She nodded.

They stopped to get some food from the breakfast buffet, and then moved to a table. Gabby was nervous. She was afraid that he would tell her that he wouldn’t be able to forgive her, that losing Hawke was the one thing that could have broken their friendship.

They sat down, and Varric leaned his forearms on the table. “Losing Hawke was not easy for me, that’s true. But I always knew I would probably lose him like this one day. It was just so like him to jump into the fire to save everybody else”. He chuckled as he continued “as much as he complained about always having to be the one to fix other people’s problems”

“But I made the call. Alistair and Hawke, they were arguing about who would stay behind, and…” Gabby stammered.

“If you’d told Alistair to stay, then it would have been the people he loved grieving right now. It was a lose-lose situation, Freckles, and with the pressure you were under, you made a choice. This is war, and you didn’t choose that, or the position that you’re in. It was forced upon you” Varric said, reaching for her hand. “And war brings casualties. I never wanted one of those casualties to be one of my best friends, but don’t think I wasn’t relieved to see that another of my best friends _did_ make it out”

“Varric…” Gabby whispered, her eyes tearing up.

Varric patted her hand. “I know things haven’t been easy for you lately, Freckles. But the last thing you need is to feel responsible for the situation that Corypheus put us in. We need to focus on making him pay for everything that’s happened, instead of punishing ourselves”

Gabby just nodded. She didn’t know what else to say.

“And we will” Cullen added. “Now that we’ve got him where we want him, we’ll end this war finally, once and for all”.

Gabby eyes raised to Cullen’s when she remembered something. “I almost forgot to tell you about what Morrigan showed me”.

* * *

Both men looked at her with worried eyes after she told them everything about the Eluvian.

“If this is true,” Cullen said, “If that is what Corypheus is after, then we need to move quickly”. He already moved to stand up. “I need to get our men ready for another battle”.

“Whoa, Curly, he won’t take over the world in the next few minutes. Maybe you should finish your breakfast first” Varric said.

“Yeah, Cullen, you need to eat, remember?” Gabby said, not wanting him to leave just yet.

Cullen looked at her, sighed and smiled softly. “Alright”.

He finished his food way too fast, of course, and then got up from the table again.

“Wait,” Gabby said, putting a hand on his arm. “I’ll walk with you”. She didn’t want her time with him to be over yet, and she was determined to extend it as long as she could.

“I’ll see you guys later then” Varric said, and Gabby looked at him.

“Varric…” she said, unsure of what to say to him.

Varric smiled back. “It’s okay, Freckles. Just take better care of yourself. We’ll both get through this, I promise”.

“Thank you” Gabby said softly, and Varric nodded in response before turning and walking away.

She looked up at Cullen, who seemed a little impatient but still smiled at her.

“Shall we?” she asked, and he nodded.

They crossed the courtyard and climbed up the stairs to the battlements in silence. Right before entering his office, Cullen said “wait”.

Gabby turned around, raising her eyebrows.

Cullen reached for her hand and threaded his fingers through hers. “I never thanked you what you did for me yesterday”

“What?”

“When you came to see me… I wasn’t in a good state. If you hadn’t…” he seemed to have trouble finding the right words and he raised his other hand to rub his neck.

Gabby squeezed his hand. “Well, you weren’t about to throw yourself off a balcony, so I suppose it could have been worse” she said in an attempt to lighten the mood, but immediately regretted that when she saw the horrified look in Cullen’s eyes. “Oh, Maker, no, I’m sorry, I wanted to…”

 _Stupid, stupid, stupid,_ her mind whispered, _there you go ruining the moment. Why can’t you ever do anything right?_

She pulled her hand from his. “I’m really sorry” she said softly, crossing her arms in front of her chest to keep her heart still, lowering her eyes. “I hope you’re feeling better now though. I hated seeing you like that”

Cullen stepped closer to her, circling his arms around her waist. “Gabriela” he said in a low voice. She raised her eyes slowly, meeting his. “I am feeling better” he said, “and that’s largely because of you. I should not have pushed myself so far, you were right about that. And I don’t think you realise how much it means to me that you have faith in me, that you told me I was strong enough”

He stroked her cheek softly with his thumb and smiled before continuing. “This war won’t last forever” he said, his voice soft. “When it started, I hadn’t considered much beyond our survival. But things are different now”.

“Why?” Gabby asked, her voice unsteady, her heart pounding.

“When this is over, I won’t want to move on, not from you” he said, his eyes piercing, staring straight into her soul.

_Is he asking me what I think he’s asking me?_

After a short hesitation, he continued, suddenly unsure of himself. “I don’t know what you- I mean, if you…”

Gabby’s jaw dropped. “Are you _really_ asking me this right now?” she said incredulously. Cullen seemed unsure what to do with that answer, so she added “Have you s _een_ yourself? What woman would be daft enough to say no to that?!”

Cullen relaxed and he laughed. Gabby realised now how long it had been since she’d heard him laugh out loud, and she promised herself she would make him laugh more often – it was a wonderful sound.

“Cullen…” she said softly, lifting her hands to rest on his breastplate. “I love you. I’ve never met a man so strong, so kind, so good. I want nothing more than to have a future with you after all of this. I just never thought…”

Cullen’s arm tightened around her. “Never thought what?”

Gabby inhaled deeply, shakily. “I never thought _you_ would”.

Cullen chuckled. “What a fine pair we make” he said, before kissing her. When he pulled back, his eyes were filled with emotion. “You are…” he said, and then sighed and rested his forehead on hers. “I’ve never felt anything like this”.

Gabby’s heart was pounding so loudly that she was sure he would be able to hear it. She could hardly believe this was even happening, it seemed too perfect to be real. She was almost afraid it was actually a dream, and she would wake up hungover in an empty bed. But his hands were real, his lips were very real. This was happening, this amazing man was holding her, kissing her, loving her, wanting a future with her. Despite everything she’d done.

She leaned in. “Me neither” she whispered against his lips, “but I never want to lose this feeling”, and then she kissed him, and the world around them disappeared for a moment.


	24. Recovery - Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Over 50000 words!  
> I'm really proud of myself xD
> 
> I just realised this is the 8th chapter I've posted in 5 days :p. I hope you can still keep up!

As soon as she’d parted ways with Cullen, the emptiness threatened to surround her again, but Gabby refused to give in to it this time. She had a lot to do today. She contacted Leliana and Josephine to tell them about the Eluvian, and both of them would pull as many strings as they could to get information and prepare for the upcoming battle, that would hopefully be the last one. They made plans to meet in the war room the next day to discuss a plan.

After that, Gabby planned on visiting her friends, to apologise and to try to make things right. First on the list was Dorian. She didn’t feel like going through Solas’ rotunda to get to Dorian, but she told herself it would be ridiculous to take a detour to avoid the elf. So she decided to just face her fears.

Solas was quiet when she passed him, but he did look at her. Gabby felt herself get shaky, and forced herself to stay calm.

“I spoke to Cole today” Solas’ voice sounded then. Gabby halted and turned around.

“That’s nice” she said, not knowing what else to say.

“I wanted to apologise” he continued stiffly.

Gabby wasn’t sure how to respond to that. She sure as hell hadn’t expected it. She opened and closed her mouth a few times, but there was nothing of value that she could say. She wondered just what it was that Cole had said to him.

“You asked me what it feels like to be me” she finally said, her voice small. “To be honest, most days, it feels suffocating. What you said about some part of me banging on a wall and screaming struck a nerve, because it was true. To be honest, most of the things you said were true”.

He seemed surprised by that, taken aback. But he waited for her to continue.

“I realise it’s unfair to tell people that I’m something that I am not. Honestly, I hated when they started calling me t _he Herald of Andraste_. But I let them believe what they wanted to believe. Maybe that was wrong, but I listened to the counsel of those around me, and thought I made the right decision by letting them hold on to that faith rather than taking it away from them. I’ve felt like an imposter ever since making that decision, but I stuck with it, because it seemed like a greater evil to take that hope away from them just to make me feel better about myself”.

She took a deep, steadying breath before continuing. “As for the Wardens, you were right to say they were corrupted. Again, I had to choose between two evils - the first would be to banish them, risking chaos in their order and probably making them more vulnerable to corruption, making them a danger to wherever we’d sent them, but at least they wouldn’t be in our way. The second option was keeping them close, where we could keep an eye on them, where they could rebuild under our supervision, and where they could actually do some good by helping us defeat Corypheus. We also need as many people as we can for this cause, and those Wardens are very capable. I make decisions almost on a daily basis, the one more horrible to make than the other. And yes, I hate myself sometimes for the things I choose”.

Solas was quiet for a long time after that, just staring at her. Gabby got more uncomfortable by the second, fearing another attack from him and mentally kicking herself for telling him all of that.

“You are… not what I expected” Solas said. “Thank you for that”.

And that was it. Solas turned his focus back to his drawings, ending the conversation. Gabby was a little baffled, but she didn’t want to push her luck, so she quietly left the room.

Dorian was already waiting for her at the top of the stairs with his arms crossed in front of his chest. “That went rather well, don’t you think?” he said.

Gabby sighed. “Do you have nothing better to do that to eavesdrop on people?”

He shrugged. “Not exactly. But I’m proud of you”. Gabby didn’t know how to respond to that. But Dorian seemed to understand that. “Things haven’t exactly been easy lately, have they?” he said. “For any of us. And what happened in the Fade, well… That affected all of us, even those who weren’t there themselves”.

Gabby lowered her head in shame. He was right. Everybody had been affected, not just her. She felt selfish for the way she behaved after that.

Dorian stepped closer to her and let his arms drop. “Now don’t get me wrong, my dear. I’m not telling you that you don’t have the right to be upset. I’m telling you that you have _every_ right to be”.

Gabby lifted her head again, surprised. “What?”

He nodded. “What I’m trying to say is, there’s no need to isolate yourself. Talk to the people around you. We all understand, because we all feel it. And it’s easier to deal with things when you’re dealing with them together”. He grinned, and added “you’ll be pleased to hear that the Iron Bull and I have made… our relationship official”.

That brought a wide smile on Gabby’s face. “You’re kidding! Since when?”

“Well, after what happened at Adamant, we were both a little shaken. And on the way back we… how shall I say this? We comforted each other. And then when we returned to Skyhold, we had a little talk”

Gabby jumped towards Dorian and threw her arms around him. “Aw, I’m so happy for you guys!”.

Dorian patted her back and said. “Yes, yes, let’s not make this too much a show of emotion, shall we? It goes against my principles.”

But he was smiling when Gabby withdrew and she smiled back at him.

“I think of you as a friend, my dear. I have precious few friends. I didn’t think to find one here” he said then, and that warmed Gabby’s heart. “Allow me to say I will stand beside you, against Corypheus and any other adversary that might cross our path”.

Gabby nodded, swallowing at the lump in her throat. “You _are_ my friend, Dorian” she said.

“Good” he said, “I’m glad we can put that behind us then. I despise confessions”.

Gabby chuckled and shook her head, said goodbye to Dorian and went on her way.

* * *

The next person on her list was Vivienne. She hadn’t spoken to the enchantress since that they she’d called Gabby a fool at camp, and Gabby wanted to clear the air with her.

“What can I do for you, darling?” Vivienne asked in her usual, cool voice when Gabby approached her.

Gabby inhaled deeply before speaking. “Vivienne, I want to apologise for acting like a fool lately” she said.

“What _ever_ are you talking about?” the enchantress replied.

“What you said at camp, when we were “What you said at camp, when…”

Vivienne cut her off. “Oh, darling, does that still bother you? I never meant it to be so heavy. I have the utmost respect for you. But yes, sometimes you let yourself get carried away more than you should in your position”.

Gabby nodded. “You’re right. And I will do better” she said.

“Better than what? Than before? Weren’t you doing just fine? I don’t always approve of the way you deal with situations, but I’ve always thought that the choices you made were admirable ones in the end. You really shouldn’t be so hard on yourself” Vivienne said.

“Oh, um… thanks, Vivienne” Gabby said, not sure what else to say.

“You’re welcome darling. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m terribly busy”

* * *

While walking into the tavern, Gabby already felt a little better. She should have talked to Vivienne earlier, she thought. When she spotted Bull in the back of the tavern in his usual spot, she waved in greeting and walked over to him.

“So I heard the craziest rumour…” she started saying.

“Yeah, yeah, you heard about me and Dorian” Bull said. “I heard you and the Commander have been getting a little cosy too, hm?”

Gabby blushed. “I… we…” she cleared her throat. “You’re not jealous are you?” she said, feigning confidence.

Bull barked out a laugh. “Nah, you two are perfect for each other. So, what can I help you with?”

“I wanted to talk about what happened in the Fade. I know it affected you as well” Gabby said.

“No offense, boss, but I really just want to forget about all of that. That shit was just too fucked up”

Gabby nodded. “I understand”, and then sat next to him in silence.

“Want a beer?” Bull asked after a few minutes.

Gabby nodded. “Sure”. She still had a headache from the amounts of whiskey that she’d drunk in the past few days, but maybe a beer was just what she needed for that.

So Cabot brought her a beer, she and Bull clinked their tankards together and they drank in silence.

“You okay, boss?” Bull said then.

“I’ve been better, Bull” she replied honestly. “But I’ll be alright”

“Sure you will” he said, patting her back. “You’re an ass-kicking, demon-slaying miracle woman. You’ll always be okay”

Gabby chuckled. “Thanks, Bull”

* * *

 

The hardest confrontation, and the one she dreaded the most, was with Blackwall. The broody Warden was in the stables as always, and he watched her intently when she approached.

"Inquisitor" he said. "I wanted to thank you for giving the Wardens a second chance. I really believe they can do a lot of good".

"As do I, Blackwall, but that's not why I came here" she said. Blackwall raised an eyebrow, beckoning for her to continue. "I want to apologise, Blackwall" she said, "how I responded to you that day and the way I've treated you since then wasn't fair. I never should have done that, you didn't deserve it". This was incredibly difficult for Gabby, and while she spoke, she was suddenly certain that things with Blackwall were irreparable.

"I made a mistake that day" he said softly.

Gabby's heart made a little jump. "What?" she said, not sure she heard it right.

"You're an incredible woman, Gabriela. Beautiful, strong, smart. When I said we couldn't continue with our relationship that day, I was a damn fool. I should have just taken you to bed and made love to you, told you exactly how I felt about you, but instead I pushed you away. I've regretted it ever since."

Gabby's heart sped up. "Blackwall, I... I don't know what to say..." she stammered.

"You don't have to say anything" he said. "It's too late now anyway. I heard you and the Commander are together?". He said it bitterly, Gabby noticed.

She swallowed. "Yes, I... Cullen and I are together" she said.

"Well, as long as he makes you happy" Blackwall replied.

"He does" she said.

"Good. Just know that wherever you go, I'll be at your side until the end"

"Thank you, Blackwall" she said. And he continued working on his wooden rocking horse.

When Gabby walked away, her head spun. That was the last thing she'd expected him to say, and it bothered her a little that her body responded to Blackwall so intensely. She still had feelings for him, that was apparant. Guilt towards Cullen followed her confusion, and her headache came back with a vengeance. She suddenly felt exhausted.

She decided that today had been long enough for her then, and she returned to her chambers determined to stay there for the rest of the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm always a little insecure about my writing, so please - If you like my story, tell me! Don't like it, tell me so I know where and how I can improve.  
> When nobody comments I always wonder what I'm doing wrong...


	25. Recovery - Desire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second half of this chapter is NSFW.

Gabby stayed in her chambers the rest of that day. She was tired, and even though she felt good about having talked to her friends, it had cost her what little energy she had. She found the key to her balcony on the ground next to the bed, and when she went to open the door, she saw the broken glass still on the floor. She sighed and dropped onto her knees to pick up the pieces. When she cut her fingers on one of them, she cursed. She looked at the cut, and the droplet of blood forming on her finger. While staring at it, the memory of the night before almost knocked her over. She’d felt so much despair, so much pain. If Cullen hadn’t stopped her she would have jumped, she knew that. The thought sent chills down her spine and a tear rolling down her cheek.

Her limbs felt heavy as she stood up with the pieces of glass in her hands, and she walked back inside to throw them in the trash bin. She looked at the brandy on her desk, and decided one more glass couldn’t hurt.

As she sat on her sofa again, she tried not to think about what Blackwall had said to her, or the awful things Solas had said the day before, and definitely not about the battle that lay ahead. Instead, she summoned the memories of Bull calling her an ass-kicking, demon-slaying miracle woman, of Dorian defending her, of Varric calling her one of his best friends. She thought about Cullen, and the way he’d said he wouldn’t want to move on from her.

 _Cullen._ As happy as she was to have him in her life, she could hardly understand _why_ he was. And why he would choose to be. She remembered the first time she’d broken down in front of him, in the war room. And then how angry he’d been after hearing about her ‘activities’ with some of her companions. And how she’d broken down _again_ after that. And again after Adamant. And again last night… All she did was be a weak, emotional fool whenever he was around, and yet he’d told her he loved her, that he wanted a future with her. Or, he hadn’t said that literally, but he might as well have. That was what he meant, right?

Memories of the man she’d loved in Ostwick came rushing in then. The flowers that he'd brought her, the way he’d whisper in her ear that she was beautiful, the way he’d told her she was the only woman for him. He’d betrayed her in the end, left her with his child in her belly, never to be heard from again.

But Cullen wasn’t like that. She refused to think that the things he’d confessed to her weren’t real. Things were different this time, he recognised her pain because he’d known so much of it, himself. And he could see beyond that pain, he could see who she really was.

_Or are you only naïvely telling yourself that?_

It was getting dark outside when Gabby decided to go to bed. She needed to empty her mind and sleep, and tomorrow she would get up and feel stronger, and then stronger again the next day. She had to. So she changed into her nightgown and crawled into her bed, closing her eyes and pushing the always invading, unwanted thoughts away.

She was close to sleep when there was a knock at her door. Gabby’s eyes fluttered open, and she sighed deeply before sitting up and calling for whoever was at the door to come in. She heard the door open, and heavy footsteps on the stairs, and then Cullen came into view. He wasn’t wearing his armour, instead he wore casual leather trousers with a white tunic over it. He looked devastatingly handsome.

Cullen smiled at her and said “I thought I might stay here again tonight, if that is alright with you of course”.

Gabby felt warmth spread through her body. _See, it’s all real,_ she thought to herself, _I’m not making this up._ She smiled back at him and said “of course. You’re always welcome here”.

Cullen took a few steps towards the bed and started undressing. “Good,” he said, “because I plan on doing so until you’ve recovered. And perhaps beyond that, if you’ll have me”.

Gabby’s heart jumped and her smile widened and she said “do you even need to ask? How could I ever resist a handsome man such as you?”

Cullen chuckled. He took off his boots and trousers and lowered himself over the bed to press a soft kiss on Gabby’s lips before he lifted the blanket to get into the bed next to her. Gabby sighed contentedly as she pressed herself against his body and his strong arms curled around her.

“How have you been today?” Cullen asked, his eyes soft and full of love.  

“Better” Gabby responded, “I spoke to some of my friends”

“Good” Cullen said.

“I spoke to Blackwall as well” Gabriela added, her chest feeling tight.

Cullen was silent for a few seconds. “And what did he say?” he asked, his voice still gentle.

She sighed and turned her eyes downward, afraid to see his reaction. “He said that he was a fool for letting me walk away. That he’s regretted it ever since. That he still has feelings for me”

“Well” Cullen said after another moment of silence, “I’ll have to agree with him, he _was_ a fool for letting you go”. He didn’t sound annoyed, or cold, or distant. Gabby raised her eyes to look at him and he was smiling at her, with nothing but warmth in his eyes.

“The day I walked away from him... That was the day you and I first kissed” she whispered. And then she saw it – something flashed in Cullen’s eyes, something dark, but his expression turned soft immediately after so she wasn't sure if it had been really there.

“I’m not sure I needed to know that” he muttered then.

_Fuck._

“Oh, I’m sorry, that was really stupid, I… I was trying to say that…” she’d been trying to say that walking away from Blackwall had been the best thing she ever did, because that walk had led her to Cullen’s office.

“It’s alright, Gabriela. Whatever happened before, I’m glad that you came to see me that day”. Cullen smiled and pressed his lips to her forehead.

“As am I” Gabby whispered. “I’m not sure I would have gotten through the last months without you. And if you hadn’t been here last night…”

Cullen’s arms immediately tightened around her. “Don’t remind me, Gabriela” he said, a hint of desperation in his voice.

“I’m sorry…” she said, lowering her eyes, supressing a sob. She was saying all the wrong things. What in the Maker’s name was wrong with this man that he kept coming back to her? She felt like crying again, but that would _definitely_ ruin the moment, so she just kept quiet.

Her shaking betrayed her, though, and Cullen’s soft voice said “Gabriela”. She responded by raising her eyes to meet his. “Stop torturing yourself” he simply said.

She swallowed, nodded, and he kissed her and closed his eyes, his hand tenderly moving up and down her back.

They lay like that for some time before Gabby spoke again. “Cullen?” she asked.

“Hm?” was his response, his eyes still closed and a smile on his lips.

“Why do you keep coming back?” she asked softly.

Cullen’s eyes opened and his arms around her tightened again. “What do you mean?” he asked.

“Well, pretty much the only thing you’ve seen me do is cry and break down” Gabby said, lowering her eyes again, uncertain of herself. “You said you want a future with me, but I’m clueless as to why you would enjoy spending time with me. Most men would have run for the hills by now, but you haven’t”. She kept the rest of her thoughts silent. Somewhere, she feared he kept coming back because it made him feel stronger to not be the broken one between the two of them. Somewhere, she feared it made him feel better about himself to always be saving her instead of having to be saved.

Cullen’s hand slid up her back to her face and he lifted her chin, forcing her to look at him. “That’s not all I’ve seen you do, Gabriela. I’ve seen you be fiercely loyal and protective to your friends, jumping in front of them when they’re in danger without hesitation. I’ve seen how you are with Jenna, the girl you took off the streets with her brother and provided with a home when you could’ve easily left her. I’ve seen you do everything you can to protect and care for strangers. Even though you were born into nobility, you’ve never treated people differently, because to you it doesn’t matter who they are or where they came from, they’re all equal. And when I did see you break down, it was always because you felt like you failed those people somehow. Because everything that goes wrong, everybody who died serving the inquisition, everybody who was hurt because of this war, you take responsibility for.  
Never once have you questioned my past, or the things I did, when you had every right to. You told me I’m strong enough to get through the Lyrium withdrawal, you choose to support me, even though it would have been perfectly within your rights to make me take it again for the good of the inquisition. You welcomed the Templars into the Inquisition, the Wardens too. You give everybody a second chance, or a third one if necessary, because you believe in the goodness of people. And on top of that, you're strong, honest and devastatingly beautiful”.

 _Devastatingly beautiful?_ Gabby was trembling again, her eyes tearing up, but she wasn’t panicked. Her heart felt like it was growing bigger by the second, with every sentence he spoke. The sincere look in his eyes told her he meant every word, wordlessly pleading with her to believe what he was saying, and it overwhelmed her.

“I love you for all of that, Gabriela. How could I not?” Cullen continued, “And that is why I keep coming back. I only wish you would give yourself the second chance that you so easily give to others”. His brow furrowed when he saw the tear rolling down her cheek and felt her increased trembling. “Are you alright? Did I say something wrong?”.

Gabby fervently shook her head. “No! No…” she said, letting out a half-chuckle, half-sob. “You’re perfect. Everything you said was perfect. It’s just… you make me sound like some kind of saint”.

Cullen chuckled and stroked her cheek. He smiled his crooked smile and his eyes glistened. “I certainly hope not, because in that case It would be blasphemous for me to do this…”. He kissed her, pulling her tightly against his body, letting his hands roam on her body. His kiss was passionate, reinforcing the words he just spoke to her, and Gabby felt a little light-headed from it.

Cullen’s hand slid down her leg to her knee, pulling her leg up to hook it around his waist. His hand travelled up again then, taking the fabric of her nightgown with it. Gabby whimpered softly, her need for him growing by the second and she deepened the kiss while pressing her pelvis against him. His fingers were now playing with the seam of her smallclothes, slowly sliding back and forth, sending electric shocks through the centre of her body. When his fingers circled around her buttock and between her legs, very close to where she wanted him to go, her muscles tightened and he chuckled softly against her lips in response.

He knew what she wanted, and she knew he wanted to give it to her. She bit his lower lip softly to emphasize her need for him, and almost immediately his fingers shifted underneath the fabric of her smalls, one finger sliding into her with ease. Gabby moaned softly into his mouth, and the muscles of her leg tightened more in response to the movements of his fingers. She clutched to him, pressing her fingers into the skin on his back and gasping or moaning every time he flicked his fingers against her most sensitive spot. He was very good with his hands, and much too soon, had her over the edge, crying out his name and pressing her nails into his skin.

Cullen chuckled while rolling her on her back and positioning himself over her. “People will wonder what kind of animal attacked me when they see the marks you leave on my back” he said with a grin. Before she had a chance to apologise to him again, he thrust himself inside her.

The way he made love to her was sweet, tender and most of all, perfect. Cullen threaded his fingers through hers and lifted her hands over her head, kissing her arms. While moving inside of her, he kept eye contact whenever he wasn’t kissing her, the affection in his eyes plain to her. Any doubt about what he felt for her faded away.

She wanted nothing more than to lose herself in this moment, with him. She wanted to forget about everything else, everything that had ever caused her pain, made her sad, made her hate herself. From her current point of view, everything seemed wonderful, the world was a magnificent place as long as he was in it.

They reached climax together, holding on to each other for dear life, lips and limbs merging. And after they’d both caught they’re breaths, they were still kissing, still touching. He seemed as desperately holding on to her as she was to him, and that only made Gabby desire him more.

It wasn’t long before Cullen’s manhood, still inside her, stirred again and they started moving again as if they’d never stopped. It was more urgent this time, almost feral. Cullen’s thrusts were more forceful each time, and Gabby’s voice echoed through the room while she cried out in pleasure. Her nails were leaving marks on his shoulders again, she knew, but she couldn’t help herself, she needed to hold on to him, to this. When he came again, he shook violently on top of her, groaned deeply and grit his teeth as if it was with great effort, his eyes squeezed shut. Gabby loved seeing it.

His eyes opened then, and he looked at her, still out of breath. “You didn’t… did you?” he asked, his voice shaky. She shook her head with a chuckle.  

Cullen growled and pulled out of her, moving himself down on the bed, lifting her legs over his shoulders and before Gabriela could realise what he was doing, his tongue was on her clitoris. He flicked and circled his tongue, and sucked, and while Gabriela had thought he was good with his hands before, he was _amazing_ with his mouth. She buried her fingers in his hair and called out his name and the Maker’s over and over again, arching her back while the room spun around her. When she came again, it was a hundred times more intense than the first time, and she grabbed a pillow to muffle her cry.

Cullen dropped himself on his back next to her, grinning, obviously proud of himself. But Gabby wasn’t done. She wanted more, she wanted everything. She crawled on top of him like a ravenous animal, kissing and sucking and biting the skin of his neck, shoulder, chest. He shivered under her, his hands sliding over her back. She moved to kiss his lips, pushing her tongue inside his mouth while her hands were roaming his body, squeezing and softly scratching him. She broke the kiss only to catch her breath and to move her lips to other parts of his body again. She continued doing this until she felt him harden yet again, and then she lowered herself on top of him.

Cullen looked surprised, but nothing if not pleased. His eyes scanned her body from this new angle, and he certainly seemed to like what he saw. Gabby started moving, her hands on his chest, fingers spread and digging in his skin. He was holding on to her hips with both hands. She was getting sensitive between her legs, somewhere between pain and pleasure, but it only added to her excitement.

Cullen was watching her move as if she was the most incredible thing he’d ever seen, and that look made her feel as though she was. She felt herself climb towards a third orgasm very soon, and she picked up the pace, delighted to hear Cullen groan in response.

She came first, moaning and twitching and not even remotely slowing down. She tightened around his manhood, pulling him with her.

“Gabriela, I’m going to, I can’t…” he gasped, and Gabby grinned, leaning forward to silence him with her mouth while increasing her speed again. His breathing became jagged, and his movements erratic, until he groaned deeply into her mouth and pushed his hips up. Gabby bit his lower lip and pulled it softly as she raised herself, leaning back as far as she could, allowing him inside her as deeply as possible.

She waited for his manhood to stop throbbing before she leaned forward again to kiss him.

“Maker’s breath” Cullen gasped, completely out of breath. “If I’d known that sleeping here didn’t actually mean _sleeping…”._

Gabby chuckled. “…then what?”

Cullen grinned at her, his eyes glistening. “Then I would have tried to get some sleep before coming here”.

Gabby kissed him gently. “I suppose we should sleep, it’s getting late. And I’ve had enough… for now”. She winked, and Cullen groaned dramatically.

Gabby tried to lift herself off of him, but Cullen’s strong hands were still on her hips and he held her in place. “Not yet” he said, “I want to enjoy this a bit longer”.

She smiled widely, leaning forward, pressing the length of her body against him. She kissed him, slow and deep, and said in a low, husky voice “are you saying you’re not done with me yet, Commander?”.

Cullen snorted. “How much stamina do you think I have, woman?”

Gabby giggled. “Sleep it is, then”. She rolled off of him, and into his embrace.

“You are a goddess” Cullen murmured into her hair. “I love you”

“I love you too…” Gabby responded, trying not to think too much about the fact that Blackwall had once called her a goddess too.


	26. Recovery - Preparations

Gabby woke up lying on her side, with Cullen pressed against her back. His arm was around her belly. She smiled, threaded her fingers through his, and pulled his hand up to her lips to press a kiss on it.

“No…” his voice sounded behind her, and she froze.

“No” he muttered again, stirring behind her. He pulled his hand from hers and rolled away from her. She turned around to look at him, and saw that his face was contorted in anguish.

“Cullen?” she whispered, gently putting her hand on his chest. He was sweating, she felt. He pulled away from her hand as if it’d burned him, saying “leave me…”.

 _He’s having a nightmare,_ she said to herself, _there’s no way he’s talking to you._

“My love…” she said, reaching for him again, but before she could touch him, his hand locked around her lower arm, a movement so fast that it startled her.

“Leave me!” he spat, his grip on her arm so tight that it hurt, and her fingers started tingling.

“Cullen!” she said more urgent now, trying to pull her arm from him, starting to feel panicked. He drew in a sharp breath as his eyes finally flew open. He opened his hand immediately, and Gabby pulled her arm back, holding it against her body protectively while rubbing the painful area where his iron grip had been.

“Gabriela” Cullen said, sounding shocked. “Forgive me, I didn’t…” he seemed not to know what to say next, and reached for her instead. Gabby hesitantly let herself be pulled into his embrace.

“You scared me” she said after laying her head on his chest. “Are your nightmares always that bad?”.

She felt him nod slowly. “Without Lyrium, they’re worse” he said, “and they always seem… very real”.

Gabby sighed and slid her arms around his waist. “I hate that it’s this hard for you to break away from that life”.

Cullen kissed her on her hair while his hands softly rubbed her back. “Likewise” he whispered. “It seems that I found the only person in Thedas who understands that”.

Though Gabby loved him deeply for saying that, she shook her head. “I don’t believe that” she said, “but it does feel like that sometimes, I agree”. She sighed again, closing her eyes and enjoying the feel of his warm body under hers. “I wish we could just stay in bed all day” she muttered against his skin.

Cullen squeezed her softly. “After we defeat Corypheus, we’ll stay in bed for a week, doing nothing but this” he said, and planted another kiss on the top of her head.

Gabby smiled, and let her fantasy of the possibilities of that life run free for a minute. “We could go to Ostwick” she said, “visit my brother and his wife, and see his baby. Or we could go to South Reach and visit your family? I would love to meet your siblings”.

“And they would love to meet you too, especially Mia. She’s been badgering me for more information about you” Cullen said.

“Well, then that’s what we’ll do. When all of this is over”

“When all of this is over” Cullen responded while tightening his hold on her, and Gabby knew by the tone of his voice that he was thinking the same thing she was – _If both of them survived._

They couldn’t enjoy their privacy for much longer before there was a knock on the door. Gabby sighed, kissed Cullen long and deep, and got up from the bed. She threw on some easy clothes and called for the person at the door to come in, while Cullen felt entirely comfortable enough to stay in bed with his hands behind his head, watching her get dressed.

It was a messenger, who looked at Cullen for no longer than a moment before turning his attention back towards Gabby with a slight blush on his face. “Commander. Inquisitor. The Ambassador sent me to tell you that Livius Erimond was taken in to Skyhold. He’s in a holding cell awaiting your judgment”.

Gabby looked at Cullen, who sat up in interest. “Thank you, Henry” she said, “Please tell Josephine that I’ll be down soon”. The messenger nodded and threw another glance at Cullen before leaving the room.

Cullen chuckled. “It will be a while before people get used to us like this”

Gabby didn’t respond. She closed her eyes and rubbed her temples. Cullen climbed out of bed and padded over to her. “Are you alright?” he said softly, touching her cheek with his fingertips.

Gabby leaned into his touch, exhaling deeply. She opened her eyes to look at him. “Back to real life, I suppose” she said with a heavy voice. Her eyes travelled over his naked body, and she smiled. “You’re not making it any easier, you know”.

Her body was still sore from the night before, but she liked the feeling – it was a reminder of the best night of her life. She was so lucky to have Cullen in her life, she felt that every time he touched her, every time she looked into his golden eyes. And now, too, those eyes were directed at her, filled with nothing but love. She pressed her body against his, laying her hands on his shoulders, and kissed him.

“I love you” she murmured against his lips.

“I love you, too” he replied, that sentiment reinforced by his member pressing against her thigh. He chuckled when she peeked down at it. “Forgive me,” he said, “I can’t seem to help myself around you”.

Gabby buried her face against his neck and laughed. “Well, I’m afraid you _will_ have to help yourself, since people are waiting for me. But you can use my chambers a bit longer if you need to”.

He squeezed her in response, laughing softly, until his attention was caught by something on her arm and his smile faltered. He folded his hand around her elbow to pull her arm down gently, and when she followed his gaze she saw what he was looking at – 3 red spots, early bruises from where his hand had gripped her arm earlier. He stroked the skin softly with his fingertips, and Gabby lowered her other hand to cover his.

“Cullen…” she said in a soft voice, “It’s okay”

His brow furrowed and he didn’t respond, his eyes still on the spot now covered by her hand, which she moved to cup his cheek.

“ _Cullen_ ” She said more urgently, and his eyes met hers. “It’s _okay._ Trust me, I’ve had injuries a _lot_ worse than this”.

“I know” Cullen replied, his voice sounding odd. “I never meant to add to them”.

Gabby sighed and leaned in to kiss him, before saying “My love, if you could see the marks I left on your back, you wouldn’t worry about a few bruises on my arm. You’ve taken so much pain from me already, this means nothing”.

He seemed more relaxed now, but not completely convinced. “Would you get dressed?” Gabby asked. “I’d like you to be there when I judge Erimond”.

Cullen nodded, letting go of her to collect his clothes. She watched him, slightly baffled. Only now she realised how very much alike the two of them were, when seeing how a few small bruises could make him feel so guilty.  It made her smile. They both still had a lot of stuff to work through, but he was here to help her through it, and she would be there for him as well. Always.

* * *

“Adamant’s influence continues, your Worship. I submit lord Livius Erimond of Vyrantium, who remains loyal to Corypheus” Josephine announced. “We found him alive, offering extreme resistance. Likely because the Order will ask for his head, in more colourful terms. To say nothing of justice you might personally require for what was suffered in the Fade”.

Gabby felt chills run down her spine at Josephine’s mention of the Fade. It was true, everything she went through that day was by fault of Erimond. And though she resented him for the deaths he caused, she didn’t feel resentment towards him for her trip to the Fade. What had happened and how she’d responded to it had been her own responsibility.

“Thank you, Josephine” she said, as Erimond was brought before her. She directed her attention towards him. “I’ll judge you, Erimond, but we all know nothing I say here today can make up for the things that you did”.

“I recognise none of this proceeding” Erimond spat. “you have no authority to judge me”.

“On the contrary” Josephine said calmly. “Many officials have communicated that they will defer to the Inquisitor on this matter”

“Because they fear” Erimond said. “Not just Corypheus, but Tevinter, rightful ruler of every piece of ground you’ve trod in your pathetic life. I served a living god. Bring down your blades and free me from the physical. Glory awaits me”.

Gabby laughed bitterly, the sounds echoing off the walls of the great hall. “If it’s glory you seek, I’m sorry to disappoint you” she said. Tranquility came to mind, but she wouldn’t wish that fate upon her worst enemy. So she said “You manipulated, lied, used people’s fears against them. Many people died because of you, and the Wardens suffered greatly by your actions. And so they will be the ones to decide your fate. Whether it be death of a life of servitude, however, I promise it will not bring you glory”.

“Their petty justice or yours, it matters not. Truth lies in the next world” Erimond simply said. Gabby gestured with her hand to have the guards take him away. She hoped she’d done the right thing, and that it didn’t look as though she had just shoved the decision away from herself.

“Leliana is waiting for us in the war room, Inquisitor, if you would join us?” Josephine said.

“I’m right behind you” Gabby said. She stood from her seat and felt a hand on her lower back, and turned her head to see Cullen standing next to her.

“You did good” he said softly, and then motioned with his hand for her to lead the way to the war room.

* * *

Leliana, Josephine and Cullen were bickering about the best way to invade the Arbor Wilds, and Gabby was listening to all of their arguments, thinking quietly.

“Guys” she said then, and three pairs of eyes turned to her, all three of them falling silent. “We need to work together” she said, “this isn’t going anywhere. Leliana, you said your spies can infiltrate their camps, get us the information we need, and maybe even cause some damage. Have them meet with our allies’ scouts. Together, they can slow Corypheus’ army down until Cullen’s soldiers arrive. I’ll be right behind, with Morrigan and my companions. We can do this”.

Cullen nodded. “As you say, Inquisitor”. It was strange to her him call her Inquisitor after everything they went through together, but he was nothing if not professional. “Any further instructions?”

Gabby nodded. “Just one thing – I’m proud of all of you. We went from a handful of soldiers to being a force to be reckoned with. And though I am the Inquisitor, I’d be nothing without you”. She swallowed, preparing herself for what she would say next. “And I wanted to apologise. For my erratic behaviour, for making you doubt my leadership. That alone already made me a poor leader. But we will triumph, and I will give my life if I have to, to achieve that. I give you my word”.

All three of them stood silent, Leliana and Josephine exchanging looks, Cullen just looking at Gabby with a mixed expression of pride and something else.

“I must admit, we were… worried about you sometimes, Inquisitor” Josephine said, diplomatic as ever, “but you were never a poor leader”

“We’re glad to see you’re doing better” Leliana said, “and like Josie said, we did not worry about your leadership, merely for your wellbeing. It seemed sometimes that you found the one too important to be concerned with the other”.

“Thank you” Gabby said, feeling truly grateful. “Well, let’s get the preparations underway. I want everybody ready to depart tomorrow if possible”.

“Yes, Inquisitor” Josephine said, and the two women left the room. Gabby looked at Cullen as he approached her.

“You will not be giving your life” he said sternly, “but other than that, what you said was very commendable”.

Gabby sighed. “Cullen, it’s not that I want that. Not at all. I want to get through this, I want everybody to be safe and alive and happy. I want to have a life with you, somewhere we can call ‘home’, maybe even have children someday. But if it so happens that it will cost my life to save the world, I will make that sacrifice without a doubt, and so would you”.

Cullen’s eyes were wide. “Children…?” he asked slowly.

Gabby felt a nervous flutter in her stomach and she laughed uneasily. “Is _that_ what you got from that?”

He circled his arms around her waist. “It is, and I don’t want to think about you sacrificing your life for the greater good, even though that is exactly what I would do. So… children?”

Gabby shifted from one foot to the other timidly. “Cullen, maybe we should have this conversation later. After the battle. Maybe we shouldn’t focus too much on our future together until we are both actually alive and safe, and we can _have_ a future”.

He seemed disappointed, but he nodded and leaned down to kiss her. “I should go” he muttered, “there’s a lot of work to do before our departure”.

Gabby inhaled deeply. “Alright. I’ll go inform my companions, tell them to prepare as well. Will I see you later?”

“You will” Cullen said before a last kiss.

* * *

As promised, Cullen came to her chambers again that night, and they made love before settling into an intimate embrace. Cullen fell asleep soon, Gabby had some more difficulty doing that. This would be their last night for Maker knew how long. If she or Cullen didn’t survive the battle, then this would be their last night ever. Cullen would be travelling with his soldiers tomorrow, ahead of her. What if, when she and her friends arrived, she would find that he’d died in battle? She suddenly felt a choking fear that she would lose him, and she clung to him, trying to drive that thought away.

Even worse, what if she failed? And Corypheus got to the Eluvian before them? What if his plan succeeded, and all hope was lost? She shivered, and in his sleep, Cullen instinctively pulled her tighter against his body in response.

She loved this man with all her heart, more than she’d ever loved anybody, more than she could ever love herself. And while that love had made her so much stronger, tomorrow it could very well be her undoing. 


	27. Recovery - Fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm having a little more trouble writing than usual, so I'm not keeping up the pace like I promised. But I still have the rest of the week off from school, so I should be able to squeeze some more chapters out in the next few days :)  
> Enjoy!

_Dear mother, father, Jayden, Matthew and Alex,_

_I hope this letter finds you well. I wanted to write to you before I leave Skyhold._

_I want to apologise for the way we parted. I love you all so much and I need you to know that. Everything you feared would happen, happened. I very nearly lost myself. If it hadn’t been for Cullen, I would have. I know he has no titles, no noble heritage. But he’s a good man, who saved me from myself, and I love him. I hope that, if we survive this, we will travel to Ostwick together and you will approve of him._

_We’re going to battle today. This will probably be the deciding battle against Corypheus, and I do not know if I will survive this one. So I need you to know that I don’t resent any of you, including Matthew, for worrying about me and trying to keep me safe. I finally realise now how lucky I am to have a family that loves me so. A family that I love dearly as well. I wish I had seen that before._

_Forgive me._

_Sincerely yours_

_Gabriela_

* * *

 

Gabriela rolled up the letter with a heavy heart, sealed it and handed it to Jenna.

“I will have it sent immediately” Jenna said with a nod. She looked up at Gabby. “Are you feeling better?”.

“I am” Gabby said with a smile.

“I’m glad” the girl said, “I didn’t like to see you be sad. Is it because of Cullen that you feel better?”

Gabby chuckled. “I suppose it is”.

Jenna giggled. “I thought so! He’s so handsome, isn’t he? You’re so lucky!”

 _I am,_ Gabby thought, a pang of fear hitting her. She sighed.

“What’s wrong?” Jenna asked.

Gabby shook her head. “I’m just… afraid. For Cullen, For everybody else”. She looked at Jenna, the sweet, innocent, young girl, and couldn’t stop herself from hugging her. “Thank you, Jenna. For everything. For just being here”.

Jenna returned the hug fervently. “I love you, Gabby” she whispered. “you did so much for me and my brother”.

“I love you too” Gabby said, supressing her tears, “Know that you and Dennis will always have a home here, Jenna, regardless of what happens to me. I’ve made sure of that”.

Jenna pulled away from her. “But nothing will happen to you, right? You’ll come back, right? You always come back”

Gabby closed her eyes for a moment and inhaled deeply, and then opened them again. “I certainly hope so, Jenna. But I might not”.

Jenna shook her head wildly. “No” she said matter-of-factly. “You’re the strongest person I know. You _will_ come back”.

Gabby chuckled. “Alright then” she said, wishing she could believe those words.

* * *

The first night at camp morale was high, considering that they were riding into their biggest battle yet. Her friends were laughing and telling stories around her, and Gabby tried to join in as much as she could, not wanting to spoil the mood, but her heart wasn’t in it. Cullen was ahead of them with his army, and in no more than a day he would be in the Arbor Wilds, fighting for his life. Gabby and her friends would arrive hours later.

When she stood up and excused herself, saying she needed to relieve herself, all she really wanted was a moment alone, away from her friends. She wandered into the woods, far enough that the sounds from the camp were only faintly heard, and she sat down on a rock with her face in her hands. She shook, and tried to keep herself from crying again. _Pull yourself together, Gabriela. They don’t need a leader who’s too weak to face her own crew, let alone the enemy. They need a leader who’s fearless, inspiring. You’re neither of those right now._

“Gabriela?”

Her head snapped up and she reached for her daggers in a reflex. It was Blackwall. She exhaled and relaxed her hands. “Maker’s breath, Blackwall, you startled me! What are you doing here?”

“Are you alright? You ventured a little too far from camp just to take a leak” he moved closer to her, making Gabby increasingly uncomfortable.

“I’m fine. I’ll go back soon. I just needed a moment” she said, her voice getting shaky.

He was still getting closer. “You shouldn’t walk off like this. It’s not safe”

Gabby laughed bitterly. “I thought we went through this. I can take care of myself”.

“Yes, I remember that night very clearly” he replied in a low voice.

Something in his voice made Gabby’s heart beat faster, and she knew it wasn’t the memory of her surprise-attacking him that night that he was talking about. “What do you want, Blackwall?” she said a little breathless.

“You know what I want” he simply said, his voice deep and full of emotion. He was now close enough for her to touch if she’d wanted to.

“I’m with Cullen now, Blackwall” Gabby said, her voice now merely a whisper, and he frowned in response.

“I’m well aware of that” he growled, the contempt in his voice plain. Slight anger flared up in Gabby. “I just… I need to know. If I hadn’t pushed you away that day, would you… would you be with me instead of him?”

“But you did, Blackwall” Gabby said, trying to make her voice sound as strong as possible despite her nerves.

He stepped closer yet again, and she could swear she could feel the heat radiating from his body. “But what if I hadn’t?” he asked yet again.

Gabby shook her head. “I… I don’t know, Blackwall. Maybe, maybe not. I did have feelings for you, and I certainly wanted to be with you, but…”

“ _Did?_ Are those feelings completely gone, now?” his fingers touched her arm now, and Gabby had trouble breathing or thinking straight, and it felt like there was something heavy on her chest.

“I… I don’t…” she stammered, and apparently her hesitation was all the encouragement he needed, because he leaned in and kissed her.

And for a second Gabby let him, instinctively waiting for his kiss to comfort her, to make her feel better, safe. But that didn’t happen. It felt wrong. Because he was not Cullen.

She put both of her hands on his chest and pushed him away forcefully. “What the _fuck_ are you doing Blackwall?!” she hissed at him. She never swore, she was taught not to, because it was not ladylike. But the last thing she cared about now was being ladylike.

“Don’t tell me you didn’t feel anything” he said in his deep, gruff voice.

“I did!” Gabby snarled, her hands curling up into fists, stepping closer to him. “Disgust, discomfort. We had something once, and you chose to throw it away. And I’m glad that you did, because what I have with Cullen is beautiful, strong, and unbreakable. And it will definitely not be broken by you. That you even have the nerve to try makes me sick!”

He recoiled from her words, his eyes wide. “I-I thought… when you came to see me the other day, when you apologised, that it meant more than that” he said, his voice filled with sorrow. “forgive me”.

Gabby’s anger faded then and her hands relaxed. She closed her eyes and sighed. “I’m really sorry that that’s what you thought it was, Blackwall, but it wasn’t. I just wanted to apologise for how I treated you after that day. I’m really, really happy with Cullen, and you should respect that”.

“I do,” he said, “your happiness is all that matters to me. I just…” he shook his head. “Forgive me”.

As he turned and walked away from her, Gabby almost felt sorry for him. But as she returned to camp herself moments later, she felt something else completely – her resolve was back, and she felt strong again. Whatever it what that snapped in her when Blackwall kissed her, it ignited the fire inside her that had been absent for what felt like a long time. _Maybe I should thank him for that someday_ , she thought with a low chuckle.

* * *

It took them another full day and night to finally reach the Arbor Wilds, and then they were running straight into battle, with no more than a few moments in camp to speak to Empress Celene and others who were there. They made their way through the woods guided by Morrigan, fighting the mages they came across, wolves and even some elves. They had a destination now – the temple of Mythal, where Morrigan believed the Eluvian to be.

When they were not fighting, they were running. When they were not running, they’d only stop for a moment to have Solas heal somebody’s injuries. More than a few times, those injuries were Gabby’s, but she would’ve kept running regardless, if her friends had not forced her to stand still for a moment to be healed.

It was an extremely hot day, and Gabby was sweaty and out of breath by the time they reached the next blockade. She’d ordered a lot of her friends to stay behind to help those at previous blockades, and it was only Cassandra, Varric and Solas with her now. And of course Morrigan, who’d proven to be a very powerful mage and a useful ally. They were close to the temple now, Gabby knew, but still she had not seen Cullen. _Where the hell is he?_ She thought, not quite able to keep panic from rising in her chest.

When she finally saw him, he was the most wonderful thing she’d ever seen. She made her way over to him, fighting and killing any mage who came in between, and when their eyes finally met, she knew everything would be okay.

Except that seeing her had distracted him, and the look of intense relief in his eyes changed into one of shock and pain as one of the enemy mages’ lighting attack hit him.

_No, no, no, NO!_

“CULLEN!” Gabby shouted, throwing a quick dagger towards the mage responsible for her lover’s pain, hitting him in the heart. The mage dropped his staff and tumbled down from the bridge he was standing on. She struck another mage down who stood close to Cullen, and then jumped and dropped on her knees beside him.

His breathing was heavy and his face was contorted in pain but he still smiled at her. “My love. You’re alive…” he muttered, and her heart hurt.

“So are you, and you’d better stay that way, Cullen” she said through gritted teeth, and called for Solas.

Cullen moved in her arms and groaned softly. “I’ll be okay. It’s not that bad” he said, “You should keep going. Corypheus could be…”

“Corypheus had better wait for us if he knows what’s good for them, I’m not leaving you” she said, sounding a lot stronger than she felt. “SOLAS! NOW!” she shouted at the elf.

Solas came running, a deep frown on his face, but he lowered himself next to Cullen to heal him without a word. As Solas worked his magic, Cullen’s face and body relaxed and Gabby sighed in relief.

“We should keep moving” Solas said simply after he’d finished healing Cullen.

“We will,” Gabby said, “Just give me a moment”.

She helped Cullen stand up, and said “how do you expect me to leave you when something like this happens?” she said, not letting go of his hand.

Instead of responding, he pulled hard on her hand, making her stumble and fall against his chest. He caught her mouth in a deep, passionate, desperate kiss that made Gabby feel lightheaded.

“Go” he murmured against her lips, “I’ll be fine. Go finish Corypheus and then we can go home, and continue that conversation we had in the war room about our future together”.

Gabby’s heart jumped and she pulled back just enough to look at him. “Promise me you’ll be okay here?” she whispered.

“I will” he said, “and so will you. I refuse to believe anything else”.

So she hesitantly broke their embrace, and looked at him once more before spinning around and running after her friends towards the temple.

 _I refuse to believe anything else,_ he'd said. And so would she.


	28. Recovery - Song

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I loved writing this chapter, I really, really did :).  
> Slightly NSFW.

_Dearest Gabriela,_

_I want to apologise too, for making you feel like we disapproved of you. We all saw what was happening with you, and we wanted to protect you from that. It saddens me to hear it happened anyway. But I am glad to hear you are feeling better now, and if Cullen is to thank for that, then of course you have our blessing. That he has no titles does not matter to me, a little bit to your mother but not so much that she would keep the man you love from you. I know you thought that’s what we thought about James, but we saw what that man did to you and that’s why we did not want you to see him. What matters most is that you are happy, and that you are safe. Cullen seemed like a good man._

_Ever since we received your letter, we have all been praying for you. We will continue praying until we hear you are safe._

_With love,_

_Robert Trevelyan_

* * *

 

_My dear father,_

_I am safe._

_And it warms my heart that Cullen and I have your blessing. But he has not returned from the battle yet, and I fear for him._

_I will write again soon._

_I love you,_

_Gabriela_

* * *

 

Gabby wiped the tears from her eyes and handed her response to Jenna.

“He’ll come back” Jenna said, full of confidence. “You two are meant to be. The Makers wouldn’t take him from you now”.

“I hope not” Gabby said in a soft, sad voice.

Immediately after falling through the Eluvian and returning to Skyhold, Gabby had sent word to the Arbor Wilds that she and her companions were alive and well. Considering. Her body hurt, and when she stood in front of her mirror that morning, it shocked her to see the amount of bruises and cuts on her body. She could have asked Solas to heal her yet again, but she could tell that the elf was as drained as she was, and she didn’t want to ask more.

She hadn’t gotten a reply from Cullen. She hadn’t heard anything yet. And her heart ached from what that might mean. She’d locked herself in her chambers again, not feeling strong enough to face her people without breaking down again. She’d only given orders to have a messenger tell her whenever there was sign of the Inquisition’s forces returning, but nothing yet.

“You should eat something, Gabby” Jenna said carefully, pulling Gabby away from her thoughts, and Gabby looked at her. “Should I have something sent for you?”

Gabby smiled sadly. “That sounds lovely, thank you Jenna”.

Jenna gave her a short but tight hug. “I’ll have something prepared right away”.

It wasn’t until early the next morning that a messenger came to her room. Gabby was still in bed.

“Inquisitor! A rider is approaching Skyhold!”

Gabby jumped out of the bed, not caring that the messenger could see her in her smallclothes. She put on the clothes closest to her bed, left her hair unbrushed and ran down the stairs, the messenger following but he couldn’t really keep up with her.

 _It’s him,_ she thought, _it must be._

Skyhold’s gate opened, and Gabby hopped from one foot to the other impatiently while waiting. And then he finally came in view, her black and red knight, the love of her life, and she’d never felt happier than in this moment. He spotted her immediately too, his eyes widening in shock – had he not gotten her message? – and relief. He jumped off his horse and charged towards her, his arms locking around her and pulling her against his armour, lifting her off the ground. Gabby winced, her body was still sore.

“You’re alive” he said breathless, full of emotion. “When we couldn’t find you in the temple, I feared… And then I saw the broken Eluvian, and I thought that maybe…”

“We did pass through the Eluvian” Gabby said, her voice muffled by the cloak around his neck. It smelled like him, and she buried her face in it. “I sent word. To let you know I was safe” she said. Cullen pushed her away from him slightly.

“I… I never stopped at the camp. As soon as I had the idea that you might have used the mirror, I raced back here”

Gabby laughed shortly, warmly, before closing the distance between them and kissing him.

They were interrupted by another messenger. “Commander! A message came for you yesterday” the man said. Cullen rolled his eyes and sighed, and took the message. He let go of Gabby to open it, and then the corner of his mouth curled up and his eyes crinkled in humor. He let out a short laugh before he handed the message to Gabby.

_Commander. We’ve received word from Skyhold. The Inquisitor is alive and well._

Gabby snorted. “They don’t say” she said sarcastically.

The letter crumpled as Cullen pulled her against him once more, and he stroked her hair gently while saying “What happened in the temple?”

“I will tell you all about it in the war room, my love. Leliana and Josephine have been trying to get a meeting with me, but I wanted to wait for you” Gabby said, nuzzling his neck.

Cullen sighed. “Alright,” he said, lowering his voice, “though, what I really want is to have you to myself as soon as possible”

Something stirred in Gabby’s body then, and her heart jumped. _He never seems to stop having that effect on me,_ she thought to herself, and she silently hoped he never would. “You will” she whispered, “as soon as possible. But we should first discuss everything that happened”.

She felt him nod, and his grip on her tightened – making her wince again – before he let go of her and kissed her tenderly once more.

“Lead the way, then” he said, a smile on his lips and his eyes full of affection.

* * *

“Abelas helped us in the end. Or, well, he didn’t quite help us, he allowed us to use the Well. He seemed so sad about it, about everything that happened. I can only imagine what it must have meant to him to see everything he fought for destroyed”.

Gabby took a deep breath, and looked at her advisors. Cullen looked at her with compassion, Josephine was frantically writing things down, and Leliana looked pensive.

Leliana spoke first. “So, did you use the Well?”

Gabby shook her head.

“I did” Morrigan said from behind her. Gabby jumped a little. _She really needs to stop doing that,_ she thought.

“Lady Morrigan” Leliana said. “So you used the Well. Can you feel anything?”

 “I can feel _everything”_ Morrigan said. Gabby knew this already, since she’d spoken to the witch after they’d come back to Skyhold, but all three of her advisors looked confused, baffled and intrigued at the same time.

“Suddenly, everything makes sense” Morrigan said, “I understand everything. I can read old elven texts, understand them. The spirits speak to me. I found a way to match the power of Corypheus. The Inquisitor and I will summon Mythal”.

“What?!” Cullen snarled, and the force of his reaction baffled Gabby. “You are _insane._ How are you sure that Mythal even exists?”

“I am sure, Templar” Morrigan said coldly, her eyes narrowing. “I’ve already spoken to the Inquisitor, and she agreed to accompany me into the woods”.

Cullen looked at Gabby now, his eyes wide.

Gabby sighed. “I can’t believe this was all for nothing. There was a reason that well was so heavily guarded, and that Corypheus wanted it so badly. It must have held great power. And Morrigan now has that power. I trust her to know what our next step should be, though I’m a little sceptic myself about meeting Mythal. But we’ll see”.

“That is decided, then” Leliana said with a look of warning towards Cullen before he could speak again and his mouth snapped shut. She turned back to Gabby then. “This was another victory, Inquisitor. Even if this mission of yours does not bear fruit, we’ve kept something that Corypheus desperately wanted from his grasp. And we crippled his army. That, on its own, is something to celebrate”.

They concluded their meeting and as Morrigan, Josephine and Leliana left, Gabby moved towards Cullen. She put her hands on his breastplate and looked up at him. He was staring at the door through which the other three women had just left.

“What is bothering you, my love?” Gabby said softly.

He shook his eyes, closed his eyes and exhaled, and then lowered his eyes to look at her. “I don’t know what it is, but I don’t trust Morrigan. I fear what she’s leading you into. And I just… I just got you back, after I thought you were…”

Gabby shushed him, a warmth spreading through her body. He cared about her so much, he proved that every time they were together. It made her feel stronger, more confident. She raised her hand to rest on his cheek. “I’m strong, remember?” she said with a smile, “I’ll be fine. And I _do_ trust Morrigan. She’s a little strange, I know, and she’s mostly with us because of her own desire to gain knowledge and power, but I don’t think she would betray us like that. There would be no benefit for her from doing that”.

Cullen nodded slowly, obviously not completely convinced.

Gabby stepped backwards, taking his hand. She smiled seductively. “Now come, my love. I’ve had a bath prepared for us”  

* * *

Before entering the war room, she’d called a messenger and asked him to have the largest tub available brought to her room for a hot bath.

Now that they were in her chambers, it seemed like the best idea she’d ever had. The bath looked really appealing, and she already started taking her clothes off. She stopped when she saw Cullen’s eyes gliding around the room slowly, taking in the clothes on the floor, the closed curtains, the empty glass on her desk and the half empty bottle of brandy next to it.

He frowned. “Have you been holed up in here again?”

Gabby blushed. When she didn’t respond, Cullen shook his head disapprovingly, but didn’t say anything. Gabby froze. She felt her body grow cold. She waited for him to speak, dreading what he would say.

Cullen sighed dramatically. “Alright” he said through gritted teeth, “We’re going to the tavern tonight. You need to have fun with your friends”.

Relief bubbled up in Gabby and came out in the form of a surprised giggle. “Really?” she said, “ _You_ want to go to the tavern?”

The corner of his mouth quirked up, making Gabby’s heart skip a beat. “It’s not my favourite thing to do, but I don’t mind going if it’s with you. And I think you need it. You’ll be leaving again soon, and it never did you any good to jump from one mission into another without taking some time to relax and have a good time in between. I don’t want to see you… be like before”.

Gabby felt overwhelmed with love for this man, and she stepped forward as he opened his arms to her, to press herself against him. He kissed her on the top of her head. “We should take advantage of that bath now that the water is still hot” he said in a low voice, and gabby nodded.

As both of them undressed, Cullen watched her, one eyebrow raised and smiling. His smile faded when he saw her bruised body. Gabby blushed again. “This is… I’ll be fine” she said, “the battle against Calpernia was a difficult one. But we survived, all of us did, and this will heal”. He didn't respond, but he seemed to relax a little.

They stepped into the bath together moments later, the water still hot, and Gabby felt her muscles relax as soon as she leaned back against Cullen’s chest. They talked about light things, about his childhood in Honnleath, her childhood in Ostwick. About their siblings, and about their parents. His hands slid up and down her arms, before finally moving to her waist and resting on her belly. “I would like to be a father one day” Cullen murmured into her ear, and Gabby’s chest tightened.

“You’d be a wonderful mother” he continued, pushing it, and Gabby closed her eyes.

“Would I?” she asked softly.

“Of course you would” he said, tightening his hold on her, and she could almost feel him frowning. “Why would you doubt that?”

She inhaled deeply. “I just… what if I never change? What if I always have these extreme mood changes and our child grows up with an unstable mother? How could that not affect them?”

Cullen was silent after that, and Gabby knew that he considered what she said, knowing there was truth in her words.

“I still think we should speak to Cole. He may be able to… to help you” he said. “And if not, then I will be at your side to help you through the bad times. You will never be alone”

 _You will never be alone._ A memory flashed in Gabby’s mind, one that she had supressed, one that she had not thought about or spoken about since the Fade. The tombstone that she had seen there, with her names and the names of all her friends, that had all of their fears written on them. Hers had only one word on it – _solitude._

She shivered, and Cullen kissed her temple in response. He kissed her on her cheek, her jaw, while saying “and our child will grow up knowing he – or _she –_ has two parents who love them, and who love each other more than anything”.

He lowered his mouth to her neck, and Gabby sighed, tilting her head to give him better access. His hands started roaming slowly now, to her hips where he softly squeezed her, over her belly, to her breasts which he circled around, letting his fingertips graze her nipples ever so softly.

“And whenever you feel like you’re not strong enough, I will be strong for you” he whispered, his thumb stroking her nipple while his other hand travelled down her body. “and whenever you think that the people around you don’t care about you, I will remind you why they do, every day if necessary”, his hand finding its way between her legs.

Gabby closed her eyes and moaned softly, letting what he was saying wash over her, through her, into her heart and soul.

“And whenever you have trouble sleeping because your mind won’t stop hurting you…” he said, pausing to suckle on her earlobe while he made slow circles with his fingers on her clitoris, “I will drown out the noise by doing exactly _this_ …” he emphasised his words by sliding a finger inside her, “…as long as it takes until your body is too tired and your mind is filled with nothing but pleasure”.

“Oh, yes, Cullen…” she responded, breathless.

He chuckled, his chest rumbling deeply underneath her. “See? I told you that would work” he said in a deep, soft voice, and Gabby could hear his smile in it.

He kissed her neck again, and Gabby’s breathing became uneven as Cullen continued to slowly torture her. She was already so keyed up that he could have her over the edge any time if he wanted to, and she knew he knew it. Yet he kept playing with her slowly, dragging out the moment as long as possible, giving her long, sensuous kisses on her neck.

Gabby was in paradise, she knew it. Either that, or she was dreaming and if this was a dream, she never wanted to wake up.

“Whenever I’m with you,” his velvet voice sounded in her ear again, and Gabby was certain there was no sound more alluring than his voice. “all the pain caused by the withdrawal fades” he continued, and Gabby wanted to turn around to look at him, but he held her in place, stopping the movements of his fingers until she relaxed against him again, and then continued, with his fingers and with what he was saying. “I don’t think about my past, or the man I was, or the things I did, when I’m with you. None of that matters”.

He increased the speed and pressure of his fingers, and soon had Gabby writhing against his body, moaning and begging him not to stop. He sucked on her ear lobe once more as she finally climaxed, her nails digging into the skin of his legs.

He waited for her body to relax, before he kissed her neck softly again and whispered, “I want nothing more than to do the same for you”.

* * *

That night they walked into the tavern hand in hand, Gabby still glowing from their afternoon together. They’d spent the rest of the afternoon making love and talking about their plans for after the war. The possibility of one or both of them not surviving, didn’t get a chance to bother her, because _they would._ She refused to believe anything else.

Dorian, Varric, Bull, Sera, Blackwall and Cassandra were sitting at a table playing Wicked grace. Bull, Blackwall and Sera must have arrived this afternoon as well. Seeing Blackwall again made her a bit nervous, and she wondered whether or not she should tell Cullen about what happened, when Bull roared “Boss! Long time no see in here!”, and they all raised their heads to look at Gabby and Cullen.

“Commander?!” Cassandra said, baffled to see him here. Cullen chuckled in response.

They sat down at the table and ordered a new round of beers, and they joined in the game. Blackwall excused himself soon after she'd arrived, but Gabby didn't really mind. They played, and laughed, and Gabby and Cullen held hands under the table, and she felt better than she had in a long time, taking in the faces of her friends and thanking the Maker for having these people in her life.

They were well into their fourth game when Sera took off her shoe and threw it towards Maryden, the singer, sitting back down and growling “I hate that song”. ‘That song’ had been a song about Sera. Gabby laughed.

“Why don’t you sing a song, boss? It’s been a while since you’ve done that” Bull said with a grin.

“I didn’t know you sing” Cullen said, a wide smile and a surprised look on his face, and Gabby blushed.

“I don’t, not really…” she muttered.

Varric slapped her on her back “now don’t be modest, Freckles, we all know you have a lovely voice. Maryden! Please play a song with our Inquisitor”

So encouraged by all her friends, Gabby went to sit on a stool next to Maryden, and sang. She sang an old song about friendship, loyalty and love, and she sang it with her whole heart.

When she finished, all of her friends cheered and when she looked at Cullen, he looked incredibly proud, and he mouthed the words _I love you_ to her.

The world was not such a bad place after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok. I don't know if you loved this chapter as much as I did, and I know I said it already, but I LOVED writing it. Really did.


	29. Recovery - Trust

Gabriela walked back to camp silently, Morrigan on her heels. “Are you alright?” she asked softly after a while. Morrigan shook her head slowly.

“I… am uncertain” the witch answered, sounding more shaken than Gabby could ever have imagined. “What she said is true, at least. I have the answer to your problem. I can match the Archdemon’s power when the time comes. All that remains for you is to find Corypheus”.

That was big, and Gabby knew it, but she was still a little too unsettled from their encounter with Mythal to feel triumphant right now. “If you want to talk about it…”.

“Not right now” Morrigan said, cutting her off. “I will need some time to… process this. Perhaps when we are back at Skyhold”.

Gabby nodded, respecting her wishes. She felt oddly connected to Morrigan. Very often the witch had seemed arrogant, indifferent, selfish. But in this moment Gabby could see she could be fragile too. She could see that Morrigan was deeply affected by what had happened, and that she purposefully spoke only about defeating the Archdemon to keep up appearances. It was the same tactic that Gabby had often used. Morrigan would probably only speak about her encounter with her mother after she'd figured out a way to categorise it as something unimportant.

They were back at Skyhold a little over a day later, traveling much faster than when they went to the Wilds for the battle since it was just her, Morrigan, Varric, Bull and Dorian, and they had taken the Inquisition’s fastest horses. Cullen had insisted on that.

She called for a meeting immediately after their arrival, and waited with Josephine in the war room for Cullen and Leliana to arrive. She’d wanted to ask Morrigan as well, but decided on giving her some more time to process things.

When Cullen entered the war room, he smiled warmly at her, and she smiled back. It was strange to think how so much had changed in such a short amount of time, and how she now felt so comfortable with him. The fear that she once had that he would one day turn her back on her had disappeared completely.

Leliana joined them then, and Gabby told her advisors exactly what had happened in the Arbor Wilds. After she’d finished telling them the entire story, they were silent for a moment.

“So… Mythal was lady Morrigan’s mother?” Josephine asked.

“Yes and no. Flemeth carries Mythal’s spirit inside her. It was a little difficult for me to understand as well”.

“I met Flemeth once” Leliana said, “when I travelled with Morrigan and Solona. She turned into a dragon. We killed her, because Morrigan said she wanted to… possess her body”

Gabby shook her head. “Well, you didn’t actually kill her. She was very much alive when I saw her. And Morrigan told me that same story, but Flemeth said that Morrigan was never in any danger from her”.

“So was the mission successful in the end?” Cullen asked, practical as ever.

“It was” Gabby nodded. “Morrigan says she can match the Archdemon’s power. All that’s left is for us to find where Corypheus is hiding”.

“How?”

Gabby frowned at Cullen. “How what?”

“How will she match the Archdemon’s power?” he asked.

“I… didn’t ask. She was upset, I wanted to give her some space” Gabby said.

Cullen’s brow furrowed. “Then how do we know she’s telling the truth? That whatever she has planned will work? That we can trust her?”

 _Why is he being such a jackass?_ Gabby thought to herself.

“I just do" she said, aggravated. "You should have seen her face after meeting with her mother. There’s a lot more to Morrigan than just a sarcastic witch who only wants power. She was scared, hurt, confused. What is your problem with her?”

“She’s an apostate who grew up in the Wilds, travelled with the Hero of Ferelden but disappeared after the deciding battle, then turns up years later, managing to work her way up to being the Empress’ consultant. And now we find out that her mother carries an ancient Elven goddess inside her and Morrigan never knew about that. Doesn’t that strike you as odd? And she seems to only be concerned with reaching her own goals, of which I wonder what they are. I do _not_ trust her”. Cullen snarled, and Gabby backed away, stung.

“And apparently, you trust me just as little” she said in a low voice, turning to Leliana and Josephine. “I’ve told you everything you needed to know. This meeting is over”.

She spun on her heels and marched out of the war room, ignoring when Josephine called after her. Gabby crossed the main hall into the courtyard, and she knew even before hearing his footsteps that he was following her like he always did. She kept walking anyway.

“Gabriela!” his voice sounded behind her, and she halted, sighed and turned around.

She put her hands on her hips. “I’ve heard your opinion, Cullen, it was _very_ clear” she said sternly. Her heart pounded.

He stopped in front of her, frowning. “I said nothing about not trusting you,” he said, “why would you say that? I just fear for your well-being, you know that’s what it’s about. That’s _always_ what it’s about”

That last sentence hit her harder than it should have, since he didn’t say it in a mean or patronizing way. She knew how he meant it, but she couldn’t help herself from thinking that he must be growing tired of always having to worry about her. She shook her head, driving the thought away. Had she not just been standing in the war room thinking the exact opposite? She knew how he felt about her, she was sure of it. Wasn’t she?

He stepped closer to her, reaching for her, but she crossed her arms in front of her chest to close herself off to him. Her voice was small when she spoke next. “How can you always see the good in me, and not in somebody like Morrigan? And when I tell you I _do_ see it, why is that not enough for you?”. It had struck a nerve. More than it should have, Gabby knew. But she felt protective of Morrigan, because she'd recognised so much of herself in her.

“Gabriela…” he said, still reaching for her, but she backed away. His expression was pained, his eyes filled with sorrow, and he seemed unsure of himself. “if I have made you feel like I don’t believe in you, I never meant that. I do believe in you. I just want you to be careful. And of course I see the goodness in you, because it is plain to everybody including me. Morrigan is a different story. But if you say you trust her, then I will trust you, of course. Forgive me for making you believe otherwise”.

He sighed. “Could we please continue this elsewhere?” he said, looking around him, aware that people were looking at them. His gaze locked on something behind Gabby and he frowned, and she turned around to see what he was looking at.

It was Blackwall. He stood in the distance watching them, and when her eyes met his, he turned around and trudged away. Her heart sunk. She knew the question would come even before Cullen had asked it.

“Why does it feel like something is going on between you and Blackwall?” he asked, softly, without it being an accusation. “The man seems to avoid me lately, and whenever I pass by the stables and greet him, he seems nervous. And just now he was watching us argue”.

Gabby wanted to say that Blackwall hadn’t been the only one looking at them, but she knew she would only be avoiding his question. She knew she should tell him what happened. She inhaled deeply.

“Blackwall kissed me”

Cullen’s eyes snapped back to her. “Excuse me?” he said, calmly, but she could see the fire in his eyes. Her chest started feeling tight.

“On our way to the Arbor Wilds, for the battle. He said he wanted to see if I still felt something for him”.

“And?”

Gabby blinked at him, appalled. _What is he asking me?_ “And what?”

“What did you say?” Cullen asked, his eyes still burning.

“I told him all I felt for him in that moment was disgust and discomfort. That I’m with you now, and that I love you. That… that what we have is unbreakable” she responded, swallowing.

Cullen’s expression softened, and the corner of his mouth quirked up. He reached to pull her into an embrace, and this time, she let him.

“Forgive me, Gabriela” he said in a low voice. Gabby exhaled deeply against the fur around his neck, closing her eyes.

“I’m tired, Cullen. Perhaps I overreacted in the war room. I… I’m sorry” she said. She pulled away from him slightly to look up into his eyes, and he smiled at her. “Do you still like me?” she said in a small voice, with a slight smile.

His eyes were soft, he smiled back at her and he pressed his lips to her forehead before he said “Always. I shouldn't have doubted you, either. You’ve led us so far, I know you’re very capable of making the right choices”.

“You won’t…” Gabby started saying, then hesitated.

“Won’t what?” Cullen asked, gently tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

“You won’t go to Blackwall, right? To challenge him for me or something?”

Cullen laughed, a warm sound. “I think you’ve hurt that man’s ego more than enough. He deserves to keep the rest of his dignity” he said with a glint in his eyes, and kissed her. “I know you’re tired, my love, but I promised Leliana and Josephine that I would get you back in the war room. You stormed out of there before we could discuss what our next step will be”.

Gabby groaned and buried her face in his cloak. “Fine” she grumbled.

They walked back to the war room, and as Gabby went through the doors she blushed and said “Apologies for that. Let’s continue”.

“Not a problem, Inquisitor” Leliana responded with a small smile, and then they got back to business.

* * *

Gabby went to the tavern that night, and she smiled widely when her friends greeted her enthusiastically. She sat down next to Bull, who swung an arm around her amicably. “Always good to be back home after a trip, isn’t it boss?” the Qunari said. “Even though we were only gone a few days this time”.

Gabby nodded. _Home._ This was home. And these people were her family here. Cabot set down a tankard of beer in front of her and she raised it to the people at the table – Bull, Varric, Dorian, Cassandra, Sera. “To coming home” she said, and everybody cheered in response.

“So…” Bull started, and Gabby could hear by the tone of his voice she wouldn’t like what he was about to say. “What’s the deal with you and the Commander?”

Gabby sighed. “What’s the deal with you and Dorian?” she asked, reflecting his question.

Bull barked oud a laugh, and Gabby could feel the table shake from it. “I could tell you, boss, but I’m not sure you want to hear about it”. He looked at her sideways with a naughty grin. “Or maybe you do, but then it might make you reconsider your relationship with Cullen”.

Gabby laughed out loud. “You’re very confident, Bull. But don’t forget I _did_ actually spend a night with you, and I still chose Cullen in the end”

The whole table laughed at that, Bull included. “Ouch, Tiny, that must have hurt” Varric said.

Bull shrugged. “Nah, I’m good” he said, pulling Gabby against his side with the arm that was still around him. “Dorian and I are doing good, boss. But you still haven’t answered my question”.

“Yeah, Inky” Sera added, “tell us about you and your Cully-Wully. He needs a woman on top of him, you know. Because, positions”.

Everybody laughed again, and Cassandra rolled her eyes but smiled too.

When Gabby finished laughing, she sighed dramatically and said “fine, fine. What do you want to know? He’s handsome, gentle, sweet, strong” she said, and then grinned mischievously. “and he’s an _amazing_ lover”.

Everybody leaned in, even Cassandra, who despite her blushing was obviously eager to hear more. Gabby chuckled, because she knew about Cassandra’s guilty pleasure for reading Varric’s dirty novels. “He’s v _ery_ good with his hands…" she continued, and then added "...and his mouth”, enjoying the looks on her friends’ faces. She paused, laughed, and said “I’m really not going to say any more than that guys”. Her friends all groaned, leaning back into their chairs.

“That’s s _hite_ , Inky” Sera complained.

“Aw come on, boss, you were just getting to the good part” Bull said.

Gabby looked at Cassandra then. “Do you love him?” the Seeker asked.

Gabby beamed at her. “I do”, she said, and Cassandra smiled.

They played Wicked Grace, laughed and drank until late at night, until Gabby almost fell off her stool from exhaustion. Varric walked with her to her chambers, as he so often did, and they hugged before Gabby went through the door to her chambers.

When she reached the top of the stairs, she found Cullen asleep in her bed, and her heart grew. She undressed quietly and smiled as she stepped into the bed, and he made a low humming sound when she moved her body closer to his, instinctively opening his arms to her. She eagerly pressed herself against him, and his arms closed around her.

“I love you, Cullen” Gabby whispered, and a smile appeared on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only a few more chapters to go, guys...
> 
>  
> 
> But I've already started re-writing this story, this time from Cullen's POV. Good idea? Bad idea? Is it something you would like to read?   
> Please tell me what you think!


	30. Recovery - Memories

In the weeks after, Leliana had scouts scattered throughout Thedas, looking for signs of where Corypheus might have hidden himself. They could find nothing.

Gabby felt nervous about it, and though she and her companions still travelled around to close rifts, she tried not to venture to far away from Skyhold, in case Corypheus decided to make a move. Cullen had moved some of his clothes to her chambers, since he pretty much slept there every night now, aside from some nights when he worked late and he thought she needed a good night’s sleep. Gabby protested at first, but she knew he was right – whenever he spent the night in her bed, it was usually quite late before they _actually_ went to sleep. He seemed to be as addicted to making love to her as she was to him, and her bed felt cold and empty when he was not in it.

She woke up with his body behind her, his arms around her, his hands on her belly. He was kissing her neck softly and when he noticed she was awake, he murmured “good morning, gorgeous”.

Gabby felt butterflies. He never ceased to have that effect on her. She pressed her butt against his morning erection, and giggled. “Good morning, handsome”.

He sighed contentedly. “How do you feel about taking a small trip with me?” he asked. “There’s something I would like to show you”.

Gabby threaded her fingers through his. “Where? What do you want to show me?”

“I would rather show you there, if you’d like to go. Honnleath, where I grew up. It’s not far from here” he murmured against the skin of her neck.

Gabby thought about it for a moment. She had no trips planned at this moment, and she would very much like to see where Cullen had spent his childhood. She was also curious to see what he wanted to show her. Also, there was still no news about Corypheus, and she was getting on edge from just sitting around and waiting. “Alright” she whispered.

“Good. We’ll leave today, if that is alright with you” he said softly, sliding his hand in between her legs. “After… we get out of bed”.

“Yes” she said, breathless.

He lifted her leg gently, lying it on top of his own leg to grant him better access. His hand slid up her leg back to her already dripping womanhood. She moaned softly as he played with her nub, his fingers moving torturously slow as always, and she rubbed her butt against him again to test his limits. That always seemed to work, and now it did as well, since he groaned and moved his hand to guide his member to her entrance, where he slowly, languorously slid himself inside her.

She was still sore from the night before, but she liked it – feeling him after they made love only strengthened their connection, she felt.

As he moved inside her, one hand still playing with her clitoris and the other wrapped around her body and resting on her breast, he said into her ear in a low, husky voice “I love hearing you moan like that, Gabriela… hearing you say my name”

“Cullen…” she breathed in response, giving him what he wanted.

She could hear the smile in his voice as he continued. “I love how you’re always so wet for me. And so easy to please” he emphasised his words by flicking his finger in a way that made her gasp and twitch, and he chuckled deeply.

“Harder, Cullen…” she begged, and he sucked on the skin below her jaw while increasing the force of his thrusts. Her moans became louder, and Cullen made a pleased sound.

“That’s the most beautiful sound in the world” he murmured, “I don’t think I’ll ever grow tired of hearing it”

As he thrust into her again and again, Gabby closed her eyes, digging her nails into his arm, fully surrendering to his love.

“But what I love most…” his velvet voice sounded then, “is how you tighten around me when I make you come”, and as he said that, his finger started flicking her nub as he had before, faster now, pushing her to the edge, and very soon over it. He held her tight as she twitched and tensed against him, gasps and moans and his name coming from her mouth. He came when she did, groaning and setting his teeth into her shoulder.

They stayed in that position long enough for both of them to catch their breaths, and a little longer after that. It still baffled Gabby how familiar this had started to feel to her, how comfortable. After making love, she no longer felt the crippling fear that he would leave her. She never felt bad about sharing her feelings with him anymore, no matter how dark they got, because he would always say the right thing, he would always hold her, he would always make her feel better. And though the darkness hadn’t gone from her mind completely yet, it was overshadowed by how happy he made her.

* * *

They left not long after, letting Leliana and Josephine know where they were going and that they would be back the next day, and taking a handful of soldiers just in case something went wrong on their trip. Travelling with Cullen was nice, they rode next to each other and chatted about small things. They could always find something to talk about without effort. Cullen told her about the area around Honnleath, pointing at different landmarks and telling her stories about them from his childhood.

The weather was lovely, and Gabby closed her eyes as she enjoyed the sunlight on her face. “You really are beautiful” Cullen’s voice sounded, and when Gabby opened her eyes to look at him, he was staring at her like she was the most wonderful thing he’d ever seen.

They reached Honnleath late in the afternoon, setting up camp outside the village. The soldiers stayed behind while Cullen led Gabby into the village. There were children playing on the streets, and the town seemed peaceful and quiet despite what was going on in the world. It gave Gabby a calm sense of hope.

“During the blight, most of the residents fled” Cullen said softly, taking her hand. “but I’m glad to see that those who stayed behind managed to rebuild the village to what it once was. This is how I remember it”.

Gabby squeezed his hand in response. He pointed at an empty pedestal in the middle of the town, frowning. “There used to be a statue of a golem there. I wonder why they took that away” he said. Then they passed a small bakery, where an old woman was standing in the door opening, leaning on a walking stick. Cullen raised his hand to her and she looked at him, frowning. Cullen chuckled. “She probably doesn’t recognise me. I’m not exactly that young boy that she knew anymore”.

Gabby looked at his face, thinking about everything that had happened in Cullen’s life after he left his peaceful life here. He had seen so much pain, suffering. He had been tortured to the edge of insanity, his mind twisted into believing things that weren’t true. He had hated mages, and that hatred had led to him doing things under Meredith’s command that he now, years later, regretted terribly.

And still he was so _good_. So pure, gentle, kind, loving. She admired his tremendous strength, feeling a little ashamed of the way she behaved with him sometimes when she’d lived most of her life in relative comfort.

Cullen looked at her. “you have that look,” he said, “when you’re over-thinking things. What’s on your mind?”

Gabby laughed softly at how well he knew her already. “Just that you’re an amazing man, Cullen” she said. He smiled, leaned down and kissed her, caressing her cheek.

“I suppose I have you to thank for that” he whispered against her lips, “you bring out the best in me”. Gabby snorted at how ridiculous that was, but before she could say anything, Cullen silenced her with his lips again, and Gabby forgot what she was going to say.

They had dinner at camp, druffalo meat as Gabby ate usually when she was travelling in Ferelden. They sat at the fire with their soldiers, eating in silence.

“So what was it exactly that you wanted to show me?” Gabby asked Cullen. “I loved seeing where you grew up, but you seemed very specific…”

“After dinner” Cullen said with a smile, and Gabby’s heart jumped a little.

So they ate, and after they finished eating Cullen stood up, offering his hand to Gabby. She took it, stood up, and he never let go of her hand as he led her towards the small lake just outside of Honnleath. As they walked over a small jetty Gabby looked around and took in the view around them, the mountains in the distance, the stars abundant in the sky.

“I used to come here to clear my head” Cullen said softly. “I loved my siblings, but they could be very loud”. He said it with a smile.

“It’s beautiful” Gabby said a little breathless.

As they reached the end of the jetty, Cullen turned towards her and rested his hands on her hips. “I’ve noticed how restless you’ve been, waiting for news of Corypheus’ whereabouts” he said. “I wanted to take you away from Skyhold. From your constant worrying, and from all the fighting you do when you’re away. This place was always quiet, and I thought you could use some of that, clear your head”.

Gabby’s heart grew as he said this, and she didn’t know what to say. It was just so… thoughtful, so sweet of him. Tears formed in her eyes, but they were good ones, filled with overwhelming emotions towards the man standing in front of her. She laughed at how silly that might seem. “Why do you always make me cry?” she chuckled, wiping at her eyes. When she looked at him again, he was smiling, he seemed happy. “How did I ever deserve a man like you?” she whispered.

Cullen sighed, closed his eyes and shook his head. “You’re still not aware of how much I care about you, are you?” he said, and smiled again. “But that’s alright. I’ll have ample time to show you”.

“If we’re not killed by Corypheus, you mean” Gabby said, as a half-joke.

Cullen stroked her cheek again, his expression turned sad. “Tonight we’re not worrying about that. Alright?”

Gabby swallowed and nodded.

“Good” Cullen said. “There’s something I want to give you”. He stepped back, reaching in his pocket, and Gabby followed his movements, curious to see what it might be. It surprised her when he opened his hand and there was a simple coin in it.

“My brother gave it to me before I left for Templar training” he said. “It just happened to be in his pocket, but he said it was for luck. Templars are not supposed to carry such things, we’re supposed to rely on our faith to see us through”.

“You kept this all these years?” Gabby asked, still staring at the coin.

“I did. And I would like you to have it. Humour me. We don’t know what you’ll face before the end”

Gabby’s eyes flew up to Cullen’s face. She wasn’t sure what to say. It seemed like such a simple thing, an old coin, but it had been given given to him by his brother, and through everything that he’d been through over the years, he had held on to it. Its value was much greater than it seemed at first sight. And now he was giving it to her.

“Cullen…” she stammered, “are you sure? I mean…”

He chuckled. “Do you think I would have dragged you here to give you this without being sure?”

Gabby smiled, unsure. “Cullen, thank you, I don’t know what to say… I’ll keep it safe” she said, and took the coin from him.

He closed his hand around hers as she reached for it, and pulled her closer. “Good,” he said, “I know it seems foolish, but… I’m glad”. And then he kissed her again, the coin locked between their hands.

They made love under the stars that night, out in the open, before returning to camp. Cullen’s mission had been successful – Gabby didn’t think about Corypheus anymore the rest of the night.

But the mark on her hand started throbbing as they prepared to return to Skyhold the next morning, and Gabby had the ominous feeling that their moment of peace and calm would be coming to an end very soon.


	31. Recovery - Hatred

After Gabby and Cullen returned to Skyhold, Cullen said his desk would probably be filled with new reports, so Gabby walked with him to his office. They kissed, enjoyed the moment before getting back to real life, and then Gabby turned and walked away. As she reached the bottom of the stairs, she looked up to see Cullen still standing on the battlements, looking at her. She smiled widely at him, and he smiled back warmly.

It was that one moment of peace, of happiness, before the sky tore open again.

Even before the sky lit up green, Gabriela could already feel it in the mark on her hand, first as a dull throbbing and then it turned into excruciating pain. Her vision blurred and she dropped to her knees, clutching her left hand with the other, screaming out. People were running around her, calling out, screaming, but she couldn’t focus on anything but the pain. Somebody held her then, talking to her, but the words didn’t reach her.

Strong hands were on her shoulders, shaking her. “Gabriela” a gruff voice sounded. _Blackwall…?_ She couldn’t see his face through the spots in her vision. He shook her again, and she grumbled annoyed. Her back hurt. _Am I on the ground?_

“Gabriela!” she heard again. _Cullen,_ she thought, smiling. Or she thought she was smiling. She didn’t know for sure. He sounded distressed. Gabby wanted to say something to him, ease his mind, but her own mind was heavy and she had trouble thinking of words to say, let alone speak them.

“I got her, Warden” Cullen snarled now, and Gabby flinched from the hostility in his voice.

“She’s unresponsive” Blackwall’s gruff voice sounded, desperate.

“Gabriela” came Cullen’s velvet voice, “open your eyes… _please…_ ”

She hadn’t realised that she had closed her eyes to begin with. Her head was now pounding, but the despair in Cullen’s voice gave her the strength she needed to open her eyes. At first, seeing his golden eyes brought another smile to her face, but then she noticed the swirling green hole in the sky above him and her heart stopped.

“Call… Josephine… Leliana” she managed to say, and Cullen nodded, whipping his head around to order somebody to get the ambassador and spymaster.

He turned back to her now, his eyes soft and full of worry. “Can you stand?”

Gabby thought about that for a moment, and nodded slowly. “I’ll try…” she said.

So he supported her as she slowly got onto her feet, and held her when she stumbled. Her head still pounded, and she groaned. “War room…” she croaked, “we need to…”

“Gabriela” Cullen stopped her, but Gabby knew what he would say, and she shook her head. Corypheus made a move. The Inquisition would have to strike, fast. There was no time to stop and catch their breaths.

He felt the urgency of the situation too, because he didn’t try to stop her but supported her as she stumbled to the war room. By the time they reached it, she was feeling better but Cullen seemed unwilling to let her go.

“Cullen, I’m fine” she said, and he retreated after a moment of hesitation. Leliana and Josephine were already there.

“Inquisitor, are you alright? You look…” Josephine said, but Gabby interrupted her.

“It seems Corypheus is tired of waiting for us to come to him” she said. “which is good. He just made it easier for us to find him”.

“He’s desperate” Leliana said, “this is the moment to strike. But it may very well be a trap”

“We’ll have to take that chance” Gabby said, wincing as another stabbing pain shot from her hand through her arm. “I see no other way. If he is executing his big plan to enter the Fade now, we need to stop him”.

“I’ll have our army ready to march” Cullen said.

Gabby looked at him. “You’ll never have them ready on time. I will travel ahead with my companions. Have your soldiers follow as soon as you can, to keep Corypheus’ army busy while we deal with him”.

Cullen frowned. “You’d be charging through his army with a handful of people. That’s suicide!”

Gabby winced again, silently begging the Maker for her hand to stop hurting. “Don’t underestimate me and my people, Commander” she said in a low voice. She tried to make herself believe what she was saying as hard as she tried to convince him.

“The Inquisitor is right, Commander. Readying our forces will require time that we do not have” Leliana said.

Cullen looked from Leliana to Gabby, seemingly trying to think of a way to dissuade them, but he kept silent.

Gabby nodded sternly. “So that is the plan. Any other thoughts?”

Josephine shook her head. “Good luck, Inquisitor. I truly believe you’re strong enough to do this” she said.

“May the Maker be with you, Inquisitor” Leliana added.

Gabby looked at Cullen then, who gaped at her, lost for words. She sighed, spun on her heels and marched out of the war room, Cullen following right behind. Before she could leave the main hall, Cullen grabbed her, locking his fingers around her upper arm.

“I’m coming with you” he said.

Gabby swallowed and shook her head forcefully. “No”

His brow furrowed. “What?”

“You need to get our forces ready” she said.

“I’ll pass orders to my Lieutenant”

Gabby raised her hand and cupped his cheek. “No, Cullen”. She sighed. “If I don’t make it…”

Cullen shook his head “Gabriela, don’t”. She saw nothing but fear in his eyes, and it broke her heart.

“If I don’t make it, the Inquisition still needs you as their Commander”. Before he could protest again, she continued. “And if we went together, we’d be so busy worrying about each other that it would only hold both of us back. Cullen, I can’t…” she closed her eyes and exhaled, “I can’t lose you”.

Cullen’s eyes widened and his grip loosened on her arm. “Gabriela…” his arms circled around her waist, pulling her against his body. “Whatever happens, you _will_ come back” he whispered, his voice broken. And Gabby knew he understood, and he would not be joining her.  

Gabby let him hold her as long as she could, trembling in his arms, until she whispered “Cullen, I need to go…”. Everything in her heart, mind and body screamed at her that leaving him was the last thing she wanted to do right now, but she knew she had to. A tear rolled down her cheek as Cullen pulled back just enough to look at her before he kissed her, deeply and profoundly, with an intensity that nearly made her knees buckle. She desperately tried not to think about the possibility that this might be their last kiss.

“I love you” she murmured against his lips.

“I love you too” he replied, his voice hoarse and filled with sorrow.

And much too soon, they separated, Gabby walking away from him, not looking back, fearing that she might not be able to tear herself away from him again. Her walking turned to running as she rushed to each and every one of her friends to let them know what was happening. Varric first, then Solas, Dorian, Vivienne, Cassandra, Bull, Sera, Blackwall, and finally Morrigan. Cole was waiting for them at the gates, to her surprise. But then again, he was more human since they’d tracked the man who “killed” him, so maybe he wasn’t so afraid of being controlled anymore.

She looked at the faces of those standing in front of her, ready to fight, ready to die if necessary. _How can I ask so much of them?_ She thought to herself. She remembered when she first came to Haven, after falling out of the fade. Her life had changed so much, suddenly being in the middle of a war and in danger every day. But it had been _exciting_. She remembered feeling as if she’d finally found a purpose in her life, a way to make her life mean something. That all seemed so long ago now, and in this moment she was just tired of this life, of putting people she loved in danger, of losing friends. She wanted it to be over, she wanted to start building that future she had been talking about with Cullen.

“Guys” she said, trying to keep her voice steady, “This is it. The moment we’ve all been waiting for. I… I’m really proud to have all of you by my side”. She noticed Dorian and Bull were holding hands, a strange sight but one that warmed her heart.

 “Proud to be here, Freckles” Varric said with a confident smile.

* * *

They reached the temple of Sacred Ashes without much resistance, but Gabby had the gnawing feeling that that was more than luck. They fought off a few rebel mages, but she knew Corypheus’ forces hadn’t decreased _this_ much. He was welcoming them.

She was right. As they reached the entrance, Corypheus stood under the broken archway to the temple. A smile appeared on his deformed face and he said “tell me – where is your Maker now? Call him, call down his wrath upon me. You cannot, for he does not exist. I am Corypheus. I shall deliver you from this lie in which you linger. Bow before your new god and be spared”

“You’re deluded. We'll never bow for you” Gabby hissed through grit teeth.

She had never hated anybody in her life, not even James, who’d deceived her, robbed her and emotionally crippled her. But in this moment, standing in front of Corypheus, she felt a deep and burning hatred that was so overpowering that it shook her that she could even feel such a thing. Suddenly, everything she had felt in the past months, the crippling fear, the insecurities, the darkness, the loss… it all felt like he was the one who had caused it. And she wanted to make him suffer for it.

“As you wish” Corypheus snarled, and he raised his hands, summoning a shockwave so powerful that it knocked Gabby and her companions onto the ground. They only had a few seconds to get back on their feet, because terror demons materialised around them, slashing at them with their claws.

With all of her friends to back her up, it cost them no more than a few minutes to deal with all of the demons, and Gabby focused on Corypheus again. “It ends here, Corypheus!” she shouted at him.

“And so it shall” Corypheus responded, raising his hands again. Gabby braced herself for the impact of his next blast, but instead the ground under her shifted, shook. It took her a moment to realise Corypheus was actually lifting the entire temple and the ground around it into the air. _He’s this powerful?_ She thought in a moment of panic, followed by the realisation that Cullen and his army would never be able to help them now. She looked around her, and found that only Morrigan, Bull, Solas, Varric and Cassandra were standing around her. She was standing on the edge of this now floating piece of land, and her other companions must have been standing behind her.

These were poor odds, and she knew it. She _felt_ it. But still, her hatred overshadowed her fear, and she turned her eyes towards Corypheus again.

“You have been most successful in foiling my plans, but let us not forget what you are” he said, “A thief. In the wrong place at the wrong time. An interloper. A gnat. We shall prove here, once and for all, which of us is worthy of godhood”.

“I never wanted to be a god, Corypheus. I don’t feel the pathetic need to prove myself _that_ much” she said, lying through her teeth, but only aiming to crack his ridiculously oversized ego.

Corypheus’s face contorted in anger as he raised his arms yet again, and Gabby cringed at what he would unleash now. His archdemon appeared behind him, roaring, readying itself to charge Gabby and her friends. But as it jumped forward, another dragon met it, engaging into a fight, with claws and teeth. Gabby spun around, seeing Morrigan was gone, and feeling intensely victorious for a moment.

 _That is one hell of a power, Morrigan,_ she thought to herself, silently cheering for the witch.

“You dare” Corypheus’ voice sounded. “A dragon. How clever of you. It will avail you nothing”.

Gabby turned back to Corypheus. She was done with his games, his arrogance. She charged towards him, her friends on her heels. Solas and Varric sought higher ground from which they could use their weapons against Corypheus, and Gabby, Cassandra and Bull just attacked him head on.

“I shall sear you from the very heavens!” Corypheus snarled as he summoned another shockwave that threw them back, but Gabby got up immediately, charging him again. She was unstoppable, driven not only by her hatred for him but also a strong desire to live, so powerful that it almost felt unnatural to her. They brought attack after attack, and somewhere in between, Gabby was aware of the two dragons fighting in the sky.

Corypheus fled then, to higher ground. “we’re getting to him!” Gabby called out to her friends, and threw each one of them a healing potion. They followed him then, running until they reached his new position, fighting him, pushing him until he moved away yet again. Gabby and the others got ready to chase him again, when they heard a heartbreaking screech from above them, and as Gabby looked up, she saw the two dragons falling to the ground, the archdemon on top of Morrigan.

“RUN!” she yelled, running as fast as possible as the dragons crashed into the ground behind them. The ground shook, knocking Gabby and the others down again. As she got onto her feet and looked behind her, she saw Morrigan back in human form, heavily injured, and the archdemon focusing his attention on Gabby and her friends. Her heart sunk.

_Shit._

She pushed her fear and worry away as she charged the archdemon, remembering their fight against the dragon in the Hinterlands, remembering everything she’d read about dragons that night before. She positioned herself between its front legs, slashing at them with all of her power. They’d killed the dragon in the Hinterlands, and they would kill this one.

The archdemon fell onto the ground when its legs were badly injured, and Gabby rolled away to avoid its full weight coming down on her. Bull was closest to its head now, and she watched him run, jump, and bring his swords down into the beast’s head.

She needed a moment to realise that it was actually dead, and then she shouted “go, go, GO!” before taking off again, running up, towards Corypheus, pushing the thought of a dying Morrigan behind them away for now, as much as it hurt. She was bruised all over, her muscles and joints ached, and her hand was burning, but she kept running. _We’re almost there_ , she thought.

Corypheus was standing at the top, his hand raised and holding his orb, connecting to the breach. He was hurrying now, he was desperate, Gabby knew. She grinned at the knowledge that Corypheus’ pride might just have given them the time they needed to defeat him – if he hadn’t waited for her then he might’ve already executed his plan already.

She charged again, her daggers sharp and ready, and her friends right beside her. He was bleeding in several places, Gabby saw, making him seem all the more mortal, and strengthening her confidence that they would defeat him.

Corypheus moved away, summoning another shockwave. “Not like this” he said, his voice pained, “I have walked the halls of the golden city, crossed the ages…”. He raised the orb again. “Dumat! Ancient ones, I beseech you!”

And then Gabby got an idea, and raised her own hand.

“If you exist – if you ever truly existed – aid me now!” Corypheus cried out, and as the orb in his hand glowed green, Gabby focused as much as she could on connecting to the orb as she always did to the rifts – and it worked. The orb flew to Gabby’s hand as if magnetically pulled to it, knocking Corypheus in the face.

The power in the orb was incredible. It was almost too much for Gabby, and she had trouble focusing. “Boss? What are you waiting for?” she heard Bull’s voice, and it helped her focus again as she raised the orb and summoned of her strength and willpower to close the breach. The orb locked in her hand as it connected to the breach, and Gabby had an instant flashback to the first time she closed the breach as it felt like the life was being sucked out of her.

 _Almost there,_ she thought, _just a little more._ And she closed her eyes and screamed out as the sky crackled and the breach closed. She dropped the orb immediately, breathing heavily and her head pounding, and she focused on Corypheus, who was now lying on the floor like a pathetic, wounded animal.

“You wanted into the Fade?” she snarled, extending her hand.

 _For Haven,_ she thought, _for everybody we've lost in this war. For Hawke._  She summoning a Fade rift right behind him, sucking him in. She closed her hand and the rift with it, and then the ground started shaking again and Gabby’s momentary feeling of relief was over as she realised what was happening.

It had been Corypheus’ magic keeping the temple floating in the air, and now that his magic was gone, they were falling to the ground. They hadn’t been that high up, the fall wasn't far, but the force of the impact was enough to lift them and knock them to the ground once again, and send the remaining structures of the temple crumbling around them. So they ran again, to a safe area, and caught their breaths as they watched the remains of the temple of Sacred Ashes turn to rubble.

And then it was quiet. Blissfully quiet. And Gabby fell to her knees as she realised – _It’s finally over._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two more chapters, guys..  
> There's a lot of fluff coming up (of course)(as if I haven't given you enough of that)(but I don't care because I love it and Gabby deserves it)! 
> 
> :)


	32. Recovery - Celebrations

Gabby and her friends slowly made their descent through the ruins, and at the bottom of the hill they were welcomed by a large group of Inquisition soldiers, Sera, Vivienne, Dorian, Blackwall, Cole – and Cullen, of course. And to her surprise, Morrigan, clutching her side but otherwise very much alive.

“Morrigan!” she exclaimed, smiling widely.

Morrigan chuckled. “We were victorious. How novel” she said.

“And the sky is healed, healthy, whole” Cole said, staring up in wonder. Gabby followed his gaze, looking at what seemed like a faint green scar in the heavens. “There’s just that left to remember” Cole continued, and Gabby thought to herself _as if we would ever forget._

She smiled warmly, looking around her, to Cassandra, Bull, Varric, and- “where’s Solas?” she asked, frowning. Her friends looked around them, surprised. Bull shrugged. _That’s strange,_ Gabby thought as she wondered where the elf had gone. But before she could give it another thought, she felt a hand on her lower back. As she turned around, Cullen was standing in front of her.

“You did it” he said in a soft voice, his face full of relief, full of love. A memory hit Gabby suddenly, of Cullen whispering those same words into her ear after she’d closed the breach the first time. Even then, before they were in love, he had been there for her. _You will never be alone,_ he’d told her later, in the bath. He had always been there for her. And he always would be.

“Gabriela?” he said, gently stroking her cheek, pulling her out of her reverie. She smiled widely at him, throwing her arms around his neck, kissing him with as much passion and force as she could summon in this moment, not caring a bit about all the people around them watching.

When she pulled back, his eyes were warm, his smile reflecting everything she felt. “Let’s go home” she whispered.

* * *

The courtyard was filled with people when they returned to Skyhold, all cheering, all making way for her and her friends to pass. Cullen held her hand as they ascended the stairs, where Josephine and Leliana waited at the top. She looked down at the people, _her_ people, the faces of all of her friends, and suddenly, it felt to her like it was all worth it. The events at haven, Therinfal redoubt, Adamant, the Fade, Corypheus and his archdemon… it had all led her to this point, feeling loved, accepted, _home._

“A moment, my lady” Leliana said, smiling, after the cheering had subsided. Gabby nodded, wondering what this was about. She followed Leliana into the great hall, and while they walked, the spymaster spoke to her softly. “As soon as I heard Solas had disappeared, I sent agents to search the area around the temple. They have found no trace of him. He seems to have… vanished”.

Gabby frowned. “But how? And _why?_ I am aware that he was not my biggest fan, or the Inquisition’s, but why leave like that?”

“If he does not wish to be found, there’s likely nothing we can do. But I will keep looking” Leliana said.

Gabby nodded. She didn’t know what else to say. She remembered the orb, and Solas telling her about it being an elven artefact. She’d left it behind at the top of the hill. She wondered if he may have gone back for it. She had a nagging feeling that they would find out sometime in the future, but she wasn’t sure she wanted to know.

“Now that Corypheus has been defeated, we have a moment to stop and celebrate” Leliana said while they walked into the great hall, and to Gabby’s surprise, the hall was lavishly decorated, and a long table stood against the far wall, servants setting large plates of food on it. “When we saw the breach close and received word of your survival, Josie rushed to prepare all of this”. Leliana chuckled when she saw the baffled look on Gabby’s face.

“Shit” Gabby said, “she works fast”. She didn’t feel like celebrating, _at all._ She was covered in muck, bruises, blood. Her whole body ached. She wanted nothing more than to retire and recover. _Couldn’t they have done this tomorrow?_

“There’s a bath waiting for you in your chambers” Leliana said softly, smiling. “Feel free to take some time, I have a feeling the celebrations will last a while”.

Gabby sighed in gratitude. “Thank you, Leliana” she said.

“Not a problem” Leliana responded. “Afterwards, you will be busy. Every noble in Southern Thedas is clamouring to meet you”.

Gabby snorted. “Sure, _now_ they think I’m special”

Leliana chuckled again. “Go. Freshen up” she said, and Gabby nodded.

As Leliana walked off, Gabby turned around and unsurprisingly, Cullen was right behind her. He circled his arm around her waist, kissing the top of her head, and murmured “take a moment to yourself. I’m sure you’re exhausted”.

Gabby smiled at him. As much as she wanted him to accompany her, join her in the bath, she did _really_ need a moment to herself. She kissed him on the lips softly, and broke their embrace to go to her chambers.

There was a large tub full of hot water awaiting her, calling her. She stripped out of her armour, which suddenly felt extremely heavy, and looked at herself in the mirror. She was covered in small cuts, and she could see where bruises would form on her shoulder, thigh, arms, legs and on her face around her left eye. It didn’t matter. Her body would heal, and so would her heart. She knew there were still open Fade rifts in Thedas, and she would have to travel to close them all, but the war was over, the worst danger was gone.

She looked at the glowing green mark on her hand, remaining almost as bright as before closing the breach. _Will I always have this?_ She wondered, _or will it disappear after I close the last rift? Will it always hurt me? Could it still kill me?_

That last thought played in her mind a little too long before she pushed it away. They had survived so much already. She would survive this mark. She would find a way to get rid of it.

She stepped into the hot water, holding her breath, and lowered herself into until she was completely immersed, dipping her head into it too for a few seconds. She slowly wiped all the dirt and blood from her skin and watched the clear water turn murky. She used a bar of lemon soap on her skin as well, and ate a few of the mint leaves that had been left for her next to the bath. When she stepped out, the water was brown but she was clean, smelling fresh.

She dried herself, combed through her wet hair and twisted it into an easy bun. She didn’t feel like putting a lot of effort into her hair, to impress people. She powdered her face lightly, camouflaging the red and sensitive skin around her eye, and then found some easy clothes to wear. No dresses for her now, nothing that would require too much time to take off. _Cullen,_ she thought, and grinned.

She was pleased enough with what she saw in the mirror then, and descended the stairs. She sighed before stepping through the door to the main hall, readying herself. When she opened it, there was a true party going on. There was music, food, people dancing, laughing. It warmed her heart to see how free people behaved now that they were not in danger any more.

She spent some time talking to some nobles, hearing them adore her, rolling her eyes in her mind, but no more than she felt like. This was her evening now, and she would not spend any more time doing things she did not enjoy.

Cullen was talking to some woman in a dress at the other end of the hall, and he looked increasingly uncomfortable, making Gabby chuckle softly as she decided to go rescue him. It was her own fault for falling in love with such a handsome man, she thought, she would probably be hitting woman away from him for the rest of her life. _For the rest of their lives._

“Excuse me” she said sweetly, “but I promised my Commander a dance. If that’s not a problem?”

The woman looked at her, irritated at first, and then her jaw dropped. “Inquisitor! No, no… not a problem at all”

“Thank you” Cullen whispered in her ear softly as Gabby led him to the dancefloor. “You look beautiful, by the way”.

Gabby snorted. “You _always_ think I look beautiful”

He chuckled. “You always _do”_ he said, leading her into a dance. “Am I imagining it, or do we have a moment to breathe?”

Gabby smiled. “More than just a moment, my love” she said softly.

“I hope you’re right” he said, smiling back. “You brought us here. You are proof that the Inquisition made a difference. That we will continue to do so”

“It’s not like I carried the Inquisition alone” Gabby said, blushing. “You’re the Commander. Our soldiers followed _you,_ not me. Without you, we wouldn’t be celebrating tonight”.

Cullen’s expression changed as he said “You gave me a chance to… to prove myself. In your place, I’m not sure I would have done the same”

Gabby’s hold on his shoulder and hand tightened. “Cullen, stop. Since I’ve known you, all I’ve seen in you is strength, despite what you went through, what you still go through sometimes. I hear the things you say in your sleep, and it chills me sometimes. I’ve always admired you for… for being who you are, despite all that. I want to be like that, I want to be as strong as you. It was never about _giving you a chance_. Or proving yourself. I could see that after knowing you for just a few weeks”.

Cullen’s hand on her lower back pulled her closer, against him, and he slowed their dancing. “I love you” he murmured, looking blissfully content. And then he sighed. “As much as I might desire your attention for myself, I should let you mingle”.

Gabby was disappointed to have their dance end, but she wanted to speak to her friends too, so she squeezed his hand before letting go, knowing she would have him to herself soon anyway.

She walked over to Varric, Dorian and Bull, who were sitting at one of the tables with tankards of ale in front of them. “Hey, Freckles” Varric said. “enjoying yourself?”

“I will now” she said, taking a sip of Varric’s ale.

Bull laughed. “Well, boss, I’ve seen you fight, but d _amn_ , you were on fire when we fought Corypheus. What was that about?”

Gabby chuckled. “Just motivated to get out of there, I suppose”.

“Well, it worked. We’re here, we’re alive, and we have ale. Couldn’t have gone better” Bull said, and Gabby laughed.

“It’s good to see you laugh again, my dear” Dorian said, smiling at her. “You’re doing better, it seems”.

Gabby nodded slowly. “I am. And I have all of you to thank for that. I would have never made it without you” she said.

“And let’s not forget the Commander had a hand in it as well, hey boss?” Bull said, grinning and winking at her and nudging her with his elbow, making Gabby giggle.

“What will all of you do now?” Gabby said, asking the question she’d been afraid to ask.

Varric looked at her. “wherever you go, Freckles” he said, “I have no other plans for now”.

“I am also thinking of… sticking around for a while” Dorian said, looking at Bull sideways.

“Well, then I suppose I’m not going anywhere either, boss” Bull laughed.

Gabby smiled widely at that, overjoyed by the knowledge that she would not lose these three just yet. She stayed at their table for a while longer before excusing herself. There were more people to talk to. She spoke to Sera, who was drinking by herself and getting drunk as usual, complaining about how dull the party was. But Gabby knew her quite well by now, and she could tell that Sera was as glad to have the war behind her as Gabby was.

She spoke to Cassandra shortly, and Vivienne, and thanked Josephine for organising this party so quickly. Then she saw Blackwall, standing in a corner by himself, looking very uncomfortable. She sighed and went over to him.

“Inquisitor” he said formally.

“Blackwall” she responded. “not enjoying yourself?”

“I’m fine” he said gruffly. “It’s good to see people celebrating. And it’s because of you. You’re immensely inspiring. You managed to lead this Inquisition to victory, saved the world. You are the most amazing-”

“Yes, yes, I know how much you admire me” she interrupted him, and then winced from how much harsher that sounded than she’d intended it.

His eyes narrowed. “I… should apologise. For kissing you. I should never have done that”

“No, you shouldn’t have. But you did, and we got past it. Or I did, at least. And I feel terrible for… not being able to give you what you want, but I need to listen to what my heart tells me”. Gabby said.

“And your heart tells you that it’s Cullen that you want”

Gabby frowned. “Yes, it does. And it always will”.

Blackwall stared into the hall for a moment, and Gabby considered leaving this horribly uncomfortable conversation, when he said “I’ll be leaving the Inquisition after this”.

Gabby raised her eyebrows. “What?”

“I have… matters that I need to deal with. The Inquisition is no longer the place for me to be”

Gabby was lost for words, not knowing what to say. She also wasn’t sure how she felt about him leaving. “If that’s… what you want” she said finally.

His eyes locked on hers. “You know what I want” he repeated his words from that day, and Gabby rolled her eyes.

“I wish you the best of luck, Blackwall. You’ll always be welcome here, should you decide to come back” she said, ignoring his words. And she meant it. Whatever had happened between them, Blackwall had been an invaluable ally, and he would always be part of the Inquisition.

“I don’t think I will have that chance. But thank you, Inquisitor” he said, and then walked away from her, leaving the great hall.

His final words chilled her, somehow, and she wondered what he could have meant by that. Then again, he had the tendency to try and play with her emotions, and perhaps that’s what he was doing now. She decided not to think more about it, and walked over to Cole.

“Cole” she said in greeting. “I’m glad to see you’re here. You deserve to celebrate as much as we do. And I’m proud of you for coming with us”.

“Thank you for letting me come. For letting me stay” he said.

“Of course” Gabby said, smiling at him. Cole looked at her, the way he would look at people, as if he was reading her soul.

“You seem… Brighter, happier. Is it because of Cullen?”

Gabby chuckled. “For the most part. But also because of the people here. I’m very lucky” she said.

 “But you are still sad, somewhere. The darkness is not gone yet. You are afraid it will come back, that it will drown you again” Cole said, looking at her like he was focusing on something deep inside her. It always baffled her how deep into her soul he could see, how he could so easily speak out loud the things she buried so deeply.

“I am” she said, softly, afraid to say it.

He lowered his eyes. “I can’t make you forget anymore. Now that I’m more human, I can’t make people forget. I wish I could help”.

That hit Gabby harder than she’d expected. She’d never thought about it, that that might have been a consequence of him becoming more human. When Cullen first suggested Cole might help, she hadn’t wanted the help, but later it became a real possibility in her mind.

“It’s alright, Cole” she said, lying, and he knew it.

“No, you’re sad now. I didn’t mean to make you sad” he said, slightly panicked.

“Cole, it’s okay. I’ve lived with this my whole life, and I’ve always gotten through it” she said. _Barely,_ she thought. “And things are different for me now. I have people to fight for now” she added, finding Cullen in the crowd, meeting his eyes. Her heart jumped familiarly as he smiled at her.

When she turned back to Cole, he was smiling too, a rare sight. “Yes” he simply said. “You do”.

As she looked around the great hall, she suddenly felt just how exhausted she was, and she decided to retire to her chambers. She had been here long enough. She waved at her friends when she passed them, and made her way to the door leading upstairs.

A hand curled softly around her wrist, and she knew Cullen was behind her even before she turned around to look at him. “You managed to slip away” he said in a soft voice, “I was hoping I might claim more of your attention after all”.

“As if you need to ask” Gabby said, beaming at him. She couldn’t wait to be alone with him. They walked up the stairs, hand in hand, in comfortable silence. In her chambers, Gabby led him to her balcony, amazed by the sun already rising. She sighed, and Cullen pressed himself against her back and folded his arms around her.

“Whatever comes next…” he whispered into her ear, sighing, “all that matters to me is that you’re alive”.

They stood there, watching the sunset, and when Gabby yawned for the sixth time, Cullen chuckled and pulled her back into the room, closing the balcony door and curtains. He stripped her of her clothes slowly, and Gabby felt extremely grateful for her choice to wear easy clothes. When she was fully unclothed, he lifted her, making her giggle, and lowered her into the bed gently, tucking the blanket around her. He started taking his amour off then, but long before he finished unclothing, she’d already fallen asleep.

They woke up in an intimate embrace, and they stayed in bed kissing and caressing each other’s bodies until they both felt like they really should get out of bed, since most of the day had passed already.

After getting dressed, Gabby walked over to her desk, to grab one of the small flasks in her drawer. She held it in her hand, looking at it. It was the potion that she’d always drink in the morning, the one that her mother had taught her would prevent her from getting with child. She stared at it, looked at Cullen who was now staring at her, and then put the unopened flask back into the drawer and closed it.

A wide smile appeared on Cullen’s face as he crossed the distance between them with large strides, wrapped an arm around her waist and kissed her temple. No more than that needed to be said. They both knew the decision she’d just made.


	33. Epilogue

Gabby and Cullen rode their horses side by side, neither of them speaking. Gabby was nervous. She fiddled with the reins, a deep frown on her face, lost in thought.

“Gabriela” Cullen’s voice sounded, pulling her back to reality. “It will be fine” he said, smiling at her.

She grunted in response. _You don’t know that,_ she thought. _When they said they would accept you, they were afraid that I might be dead. You don’t know my family as well as I do. Who knows what they will say now?_

It felt like so much time had passed since she left Ostwick, and yet everything was still the same. So many places here held memories for her, good ones and bad ones, and some _really_ bad ones. She wasn’t sure how she felt about being back here. It reminded her of a life she had tried to put behind her. As the Trevelyan estate came into view, her nerves only increased, and she heard Cullen sigh next to her.

The gates already opened for them as they came closer, an elven servant waiting to welcome them. Gabby smiled at the familiar face. “Thank you, Athel” she said.

The elf nodded, saying “Lady Trevelyan. Good to see you again”.

“Lady Trevelyan is my mother, Athel. You know that. It’s always been Gabriela, or Gabby”.

He smiled. “Welcome back, Gabby” he said warmly.

Their horses were taken by another elf, one that Gabby didn’t know. Gabby looked at Cullen. “They all get paid” she said, feeling somehow obligated to share this information with him.

He chuckled, took hold of her hand and said “good to know”.

“Gabriela!” she heard a familiar voice then, and her nerves bubbled up again as she turned around and dropped Cullen’s hand.

“Father!” she replied, smiling. She walked towards him, hugging him. “How have you been?”

“Very good, very good” Robert Trevelyan said, “I’m not leader of the Inquisition that saved Thedas, but I do alright”

Gabby laughed softly. “You remember Cullen Rutherford, Commander of the Inquisition?” she said, gesturing to Cullen and wondering to herself why she gave such a formal introduction.

Her father smiled again as he stepped towards Cullen, extending his hand. “How could I forget” he said, and the two men shook hands. “Good to see you again”.

“You too, sir” Cullen responded.

“None of that, boy” Robert said, and Gabby let out a nervous giggle at her father calling Cullen ‘boy’. “Call me Robert. We’re all family here, are we not?”. He turned to Gabby then, saying “The rest of the family is waiting in the dining hall. Would you like to freshen up first? Or shall we go there now?”.

“I would like to freshen up, father” Gabby said gratefully. “It was a long journey here. But we’ll make it quick, I promise”.

“Very well, then” her father said, “you still know the way, right?”

Gabby laughed. “I do”.

As soon as Robert had left, Cullen reached for Gabby’s hand again, pressing a kiss to it. “See?” he said, his eyes glinting, “That was not so bad, was it?”.

Gabby shook her head. “That was my father, Cullen. We have yet to see my mother. She’s much more difficult”.

“It will be fine” Cullen said, now softly kissing her forehead, “you worry too much”.

Gabby led them to her old chambers, which hadn’t changed at all since she’d last been it in, and put her pack down. There was already a basin full of water and clean cloths and towels for them to use. Gabby stripped herself of her armour quickly, glad to be able to wash the dirt from the trip off her body. Cullen looked at her ravenously as she undressed, while absentmindedly undoing the clasps of his own armour. 

“Cullen…” Gabby giggled when she saw the look in his eyes, blushing.

“I can’t help it” he said in his velvet voice, making her legs turn to jelly. She was instantly aroused, and now she wished they had more time. But her family was waiting, and she was already nervous about what they were going to say about her and Cullen.

So when Cullen moved towards her, sliding his hands around her back, to cup her buttocks and let out a low growl, she needed all of her willpower to push him away. “Have some discipline, won’t you?” she laughed, and he grinned at her mischievously, like he was a young boy. She’d never seen him like this when they were at war, but after they’d defeated Coryheus, Cullen had changed. He had become more free, lighter, less burdened. She loved it.

Despite the fact that both of them wanted nothing more than to just fall onto the bed and either sleep or devour each other, they both washed up quickly, dressed in decent clothing and made their way to the dining hall. Gabby looked at Cullen, and though he looked very handsome in his casual tunic and trousers, she felt nervous again. “Maybe you should have left on your armour” she said contamplatively, “it does look more impressive”.

Cullen raised an amused eyebrow at her. “Not that you don’t look impressive now, it’s just…” she groaned, closing her eyes. “…I’ll just shut up now”.

Cullen grabbed her hand, forcing her to stop walking. “Gabriela” he said, his other hand cupping her cheek. “My love. Breathe. They will be fine with us being together. And even if they’re not, it does not matter to me. I want to spend the rest of my life with you regardless. And I do hope you feel the same way”.

“I do” Gabby said, breathless, “of course I do. But after what happened at Skyhold, I… I just want my family to accept me, finally. And the choices I make”.

“As I’m sure they will” Cullen said, pulling her into an embrace. “They love you, and they want you to be happy. And when they see how happy we are together, how could they not approve of that?”.

Gabby sighed against his chest, enjoying his warmth for a moment before pulling away. “Alright” she said, “let’s go”.

* * *

“Gabriela, darling!” Marielle Trevelyan said when seeing her daughter, kissing her softly on the cheek before turning to Cullen. “…and this is?”.

Gabby sighed. This was exactly what she had been afraid of. “This is Cullen Rutherford, mother. You’ve met him. I’ve written to you about him several times. And that he would be coming with me as well”.

Marielle rolled her eyes dramatically. “I know, dear. I was just joking. Welcome to our estate, Commander”

“Thank you, my lady” Cullen replied with a courteous bow. “and you may call me Cullen”.

“May I?” Marielle replied with a sweet smile, and Gabby felt her chest getting tight.

“If I may intrude” she heard a voice from behind her now, and she immediately felt better. She turned to Jayden, smiling widely and giving him a big hug.

“It’s so good to see you, Jay. I really look forward to seeing Elizabeth and my little nephew” she said.

“You too, Gabriela” Jay replied, “I’ve been so proud of my little sister. And Elizabeth is still at our home, but she would love to see you during your stay here in Ostwick. You should have dinner at our house one night”.

“I’d love to, Jay” Gabby said warmly, and then turned to Alex, who patiently waited for his turn to hug his sister.

“Little sis!” Alex said, hugging Gabby so tight that she couldn’t breathe. “So you closed that death hole in the sky, killed the darkspawn monster creature and saved the world. Anything else new?” he said, making Gabby laugh.

 _Yes,_ she thought. “We’ll discuss everything that happened over the last months over dinner” she said with a small wink only meant for Alex, and he smiled knowingly at her, a smile that she knew very well from her childhood, whenever one of them had done something they weren’t supposed to do and the other knew about it. Except, this time he didn’t know.

“Where’s Matt?” Gabby asked then, and she saw her parents exchange a look.

“He’ll be joining us later for dinner” her father said, making Gabby a little uneasy once more. “Let us start with a drink first”.

So they sat at the oversized dining table, and another servant that Gabby didn’t know poured wine in their chalices. Some small food items were brought as well, and Gabby started eating quickly, she was incredibly hungy.

“So Gabriela, what has the Inquisition been doing since the breach was closed?” Her father asked.

Gabriela swallowed the hors d’oeuvre that she had just shoved into her mouth before she answered. “Well, we’ve been mostly busy helping towns that were damaged during the war rebuild, offering shelter to any refugees, and of course closing the remaining Fade rifts. But it’s been an easy life compared to before” she said.

Her father nodded. “All admirable things” he said.

“So, Cullen” Mariella said then, and Gabby’s body tensed. She exchanged looks with Alex, but he shrugged at her, looking puzzled. “Now that there is no more war… there’s no more need for an army, is there? What does the Commander do then?”.

Cullen straightened a little in his seat. “We still have an army that requires leadership, and though we are not at war right now, Thedas is still recovering and in need of aid. Like Gabriela said, our soldiers provide protection for those who need it, and help with rebuilding the towns that were damaged most”.

“Ah” Marielle said, “and where does your future with our daughter fit into that?”

Gabby almost choked on the piece of fish that she now had in her mouth, and she coughed loudly, patting her chest.

“Gabriela” her mother said sternly, “take smaller bites. You were not raised on a farm were you?”.

Gabby did not know whether that remark was meant as a stab towards Cullen, but everything her mother said made her more and more uncomfortable, and she started to regret coming home to begin with. As her coughing subsided, she apologised, and she looked at Cullen, expecting him to be as uncomfortable as she was.

Surprisingly, he wasn’t. Or if he was, he wasn't showing it. He looked at her with warm eyes, and then directed his attention back to Marielle. “My lady, my plan is to put as much time and effort into making your daughter happy as she requires. My only wish is to have her by my side for the rest of my life, if she’ll have me of course. There’s nothing I want more”.

Gabby looked from her mother to Cullen and back, growing more tense with every second that passed.

And then finally Marielle smiled. “That’s good to hear, Cullen” she said, “Because our daughter deserves nothing less”, and Gabby let out a relieved sigh.

“Sorry for being late” she heard a voice then, and she didn’t need to turn around to know it was Matthew. She stood up from her seat to greet him, but he just sat down at the table and nodded at her and Cullen.

“Gabriela. Commander” he said, his voice neutral, and Gabby sat down again, throwing a look of despair towards Cullen, who squeezed her hand under the table in response. This was going to be a long night.

* * *

After dinner, Gabby took Cullen for a walk through the gardens, looking up at the stars, lost in thought.

“What are you thinking about?” Cullen asked.

Gabby exhaled sharply. “I… I don’t know” she responded with a sigh.

“It went well, didn’t it?” he said, his voice gentle, his fingers threading through hers. “It seems like we have their blessing”.

“Yes, I suppose, but my mother was being so… _my mother._ And Matthew didn’t speak a word to me all evening” she said.

“Your mother was testing me” Cullen responded with a shrug, “I’ve seen worse. And Matthew… he seems like a proud man, and you didn’t part on good terms the last time you saw him. I’m sure he just needs some time, and he will come around”.

“I hope so” Gabby said, shaking her head.

Cullen stopped walking then, pulling on her hand slightly, so she stopped too and looked at him inquiringly. “We have their blessing. That was what you wanted, wasn’t it?” he said, smiling.

“Yes” she said, smiling back, pushing away the rest of her worries. She was here with the man she loved, and that was all that mattered.

“Good” he said, kissing her hand. “Because there is something I wanted to ask you”. And then he lowered himself on one knee, and the world around Gabby seemed to stop. “Gabriela Trevelyan,” he said, still holding her hand, looking up at her with such a smile that it made her heart starting racing even faster than it already was. “I love you more than I’ve ever loved anything or anyone in my life. You amaze me every day with your beauty and kindness. You are my beacon, the one person I can turn to when I’ve lost my way. I want nothing more than to be by your side for the rest of our lives. I want to be the one to help you through the difficult times, and I want to see your laugh every day during the good ones”.

Tears had formed in Gabby’s eyes and a lump in her throat. She knew what he would ask, she knew what her answer would be. She waited patiently for him to ask it, and then he finally did.

“Gabriela Trevelyan. Will you marry me?”

“Yes” she whispered, and then a louder “yes, Cullen, yes, of course yes”.

He got onto his feet, wrapped his arms around her and kissed her, and Gabby felt everything in this kiss – every night they’d spent together, every moment they’d spent missing each other, all the times he’d caught her when she fell, all the times they’d professed their love for each other.

“Good” he whispered against her lips, “because I worked on that speech for quite a while”. Gabby laughed, a half-sob and half-laugh, and Cullen beamed at her. “I love you” he said, and she responded with another kiss before telling him how much she loved him too.

* * *

The next morning at breakfast, the tension was still in the air but Gabby didn’t care at all anymore. She was still in the bubble of happiness that she had been in ever since Cullen proposed to her. “There’s something I want to tell you” she said to her parents and siblings, and they all looked up at her questioningly.

“Cullen proposed to me last night. We’re getting married” she said.

Alex was the first to respond. He got up from the table immediately to walk over to Gabby and hug her. “That’s incredible news, Bri!” he said, and then looked at Cullen and shook his hand. “Good man! I know you’ll make her very happy”.

Her father smiled. “I’m happy for you, Gabriela” he said, and then added “for both of you” while looking at Cullen. Cullen nodded in response.

Gabby’s jaw dropped. “You knew?” she said, baffled, and her father chuckled.

“I knew” he said, the corners of his eyes wrinkling with his smile. “Cullen was kind enough to send me a letter in advance to inform me of his plan to propose, and ask for my permission. I gave it gladly, of course”.

Gabby looked at Cullen, who was still smiling calmly but by now she knew him well enough to see he was very proud of himself. She supressed a small giggle. She turned to her mother. “So you knew as well?”.

“Of course, darling” her mother said, smiling.

“Then why did you ask him those things at dinner last night? If you already knew, if you already approved?” Gabby asked, frowning.

“I just wanted to make absolutely sure that he is good enough for my daughter. And I believe he is” her mother said simply.

“This is amazing news, Gabriela” Jay said, “we should celebrate this tonight!”

Gabby grinned and said “That sounds like an excellent idea, Jay”.

And then she looked at Matthew, who still hadn’t spoken much to her since their arrival. Matt looked at her, but she couldn’t read his expression. _Come on,_ she thought, _can you really not be happy for me? Do you despise me that much?_

“Congratulations” Matthew said, painfully, and Gabby sighed as she realised she wouldn’t get any more than that from him.

“Thanks, Matthew” she said, and then looked at all of her family again. Butterflies started fluttering in her stomach, and she grabbed Cullen’s hand under the table. “There is actually more” she said, and Cullen looked at her, surprised.

She squeezed his hand, closed her eyes for a moment and inhaled.

“I’m with child”

As her family members all reacted to this news at the same time, she looked at Cullen, who now looked at her slack-jawed, his eyes filled with emotion. “Are you sure?” he asked softly, and she nodded. She’d been pregnant before, and she knew what it felt like, recognised the changes in her body. She went to a healer before leaving for Ostwick, and he confirmed what she already strongly suspected.

“We’ll be parents?” Cullen asked, a smile spreading on his face, as if he could not believe what she was telling.

Gabby chuckled, and nodded again, pulling on his hand and laying it on her belly. “We’ll be parents”.

* * *

They got married in the gardens only a few weeks after that, a beautiful small ceremony. Gabby wore a simple white gown. Her mother had insisted on a more lavish one, but Gabby refused. She, _they,_ didn’t need that. And Cullen would think she looked beautiful, she knew. He always thought she looked beautiful.

Mother Giselle had travelled all the way to Ostwick on Gabby’s behest, because it only felt right to have her marry them. But she hadn’t made the trip alone – Varric, Dorian, Bull and Cassandra were here as well. Sera had refused, saying she would be waiting for their return to Skyhold to organise a great party and that she didn’t feel like going to Ostwick just to see Cullen and Gabby ‘gawk into each other’s eyes and say yes’. Gabby had laughed at that, and felt a little unsettled by Sera’s promise to ‘organise a great party’ – knowing sera, that meant doing some damage to Skyhold.

Cullen had two beautifully handcrafted silverite rings for them, simple bands, and perfect. As they stood opposite from each other, holding hands, it felt like this was the most perfect moment, with the perfect people, and the perfect man marrying her.

“Just know,” Cullen whispered, for only Gabby’s ears to hear, “Everything feels like it was worth fighting for”.

She knew what he meant, for she felt it herself. Joining the Inquisition over a year ago, she had not known what would cross her path. She had not known she would meet the people that she cared so much about now, that she would give her life for. She had not known she would meet Cullen. Had she never left Ostwick, she never would have met him, and she wouldn’t be standing here today, holding his hands, loving him, carrying his child in her belly. Joining the Inquisition had changed her life, brought her so much pain, but the thought of not being here, today, was much more painful than all of that.

“It was” she just whispered to him, not needing to say more than that, because she felt what he felt, and she knew he knew that.

“This is the part where you make a promise” Mother Giselle said with a smile then.

“Oh, right” Cullen said, clearing his throat, almost making Gabby chuckle before she stopped herself.

But she saw the glint in his eyes as he said “I swear to the Maker and the holy Andraste to love this woman the rest of my days. I will never abandon her, never fail to let her know how much I love her, and never cease to be strong for her when she needs me to be”, summarising and undoing every fear she’d had in the course of their relationship, and though Gabby had thought she couldn’t love him more than she did, his promise made her love him that much more.

“I-I swear…” she started, stopping to wipe a tear from her eye, and Cullen squeezed her hands in encouragement. “I swear to the Maker… and the holy Andraste, to always love this man, every day, until the day I die. I will be with him through any hardships, and always help him sleep soundly at night. He will never feel like he needs to bear his troubles alone.” she said, feeling like her words paled in comparison to his, but he smiled widely at her.

“Will you, Cullen Stanton Rutherford, marry Gabriela Trevelyan today, witnessed by these people, the Maker and the holy Andraste?” mother Giselle asked Cullen.

“I will” Cullen said, the emotion in his voice evident.

“Will you, Gabriela Trevelyan, marry Cullen Stanton Rutherford today, witnessed by these people, the Maker and the holy Andraste?” mother Giselle asked Gabriela.

“Of course I will” Gabby responded happily, and when she heard the beautiful words of mother Giselle, declaring them husband and wife, she leaped into Cullen’s arms, kissing him, surrendering her heart and soul to him completely and fully.

And her life felt complete.

* * *

They stayed in Ostwick for two more weeks, spending precious time with Gabby’s family. Her family loved Cullen, and he seemed to love them too. Only Matthew was still distant and cold, but Gabby stopped letting that bother her after some time. She enjoyed what time they had before they would leave for South Reach, which was going to be another long journey. She did very much look forward to meeting Cullen’s family, and telling them about the upcoming new addition to the Rutherford family. She had the feeling her belly was already growing, though when she asked Cullen one morning he had just said that she had a perfect body and then he seemed unable to take his hands off her.

She met her new nephew, and holding that little creature had made her cry with happiness. It seemed like these days, little things made her cry all the time, happy things or sad things. Her mother said it was because of the pregnancy. Cullen never lost his patience with her though, always supporting her, making her feel good when she felt bad.  

The morning they left, Gabby’s heart ached at having to say goodbye to her family again. She hugged each and every one of them, even Matthew, who seemed hesitant.

“I’m really going to miss you, Gabs” Jay said to her, and Gabby felt the tears coming again.

Alex laughed at her tears, saying “aw, it’s heart-warming to see how much you’ll miss us, Bri”, giving her a sturdy hug.

Her mother wiped the tear that rolled down Gabby’s face away, saying “You are always welcome here, dear, this will always be your home. And a home for your husband, and our grandchild”

Her father said “I would say ‘be safe’, but I know you will be”, with a nod towards Cullen, who nodded back. “don’t be a stranger, Gabriela”.

“Never” Gabby whispered, her tears now freely flowing.

After hugging Matthew, her brother just said “safe travels, Gabriela”, before turning to Cullen. “Could I have a word with you?”

Gabby watched Cullen walk with Matthew. She frowned, and she felt uneasy, remembering the last time Matt had gone to ‘talk’ with Cullen and her other advisors. _This can never be good,_ she thought. She saw the two men talking, shaking hands, and Cullen smiling.

Cullen then returned to her, sliding his arm around her waist and kissing her temple. “ready to go, my love?” he asked.

She nodded, but her heart screamed _no._

As they rode away from the estate, Gabby looked back once more, saying goodbye to her childhood home, knowing it would probably be a long time before she’d see it again. She waited for some time to ask the question she was afraid to ask.

“Cullen?” she said softly.

“Yes, my love?" he responded, looking at her.

“What did Matthew say to you before we left?” she asked.

“He wanted to thank me” Cullen said.

Gabby frowned. “Thank you?” she asked, “for what?”

Cullen smiled at her then.

“For saving you”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To everybody who joined me on this journey - thank you so much!!  
> My free week is over, and I managed to finish the story (yay!). Now it's back to school and work, and I'll have a lot less time to write, but I will definitely keep writing.
> 
> As you know, I'm rewriting the story from Cullen's POV, but I'm also planning a short Trespasser follow-up story after that, and maybe some oneshots. I'm just not ready to let go of Gabby and the rest yet. 
> 
> Thanks again :D!
> 
> Edit:   
> This story from Cullen's POV ("Through His Eyes"): [Here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6792034/chapters/15515740)  
> Trespasser Sequel ("A New Chapter"): [Here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/8084038/chapters/18524185)


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